Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Top Five Fantasy Apple Devices

June 9th, Apple will hold it's developers conference, often a place for Steve Jobs to talk about the latest and greatest Apple goodies. After it's resurgence, I was a leading-edge Apple follower and still am, while I have no inner ties to the company, I like to fantasize about the future Apple are the Top Five.

#5. iMute

So your significant other just won't shut up. You're trying to read the paper, sleep, do your nails, whatever, and there they are...why did you spend so much on beer? Why's the kitchen a mess? Did I tell you what that stupid cow said to me at work today? Blah, blah, blah, well what if Apple invented a small digital music player that could cancel out your SO's blather with favorite playlist? Say hello to iMute.

#4. iWrap

Ladies and gentlemen, for the sake of safe sex, and the prevention unwanted pregnancy the v list recommends the use of an old friend, the condom. But we recognize the mechanics of using them sometimes get in the way of the fun. That's where Steve Jobs comes in (not literally, that's creepy). This latest version of the iPod dispenses, and straps on Trojan Man's first, last and only line of defense for you while you and your lady keep the windshield steamy. Don't ask how it works, just trust Apple, you know like you do with your entire music library.

#3. iDrink

Not what you think folks. Bosses, lovers, friends, family members all have a capacity to make us pissed. Ever get a little tanked and then head to the phone or the computer to send out that sloshed txt or email? Well iDrink software would detect the drunken gibberish and rather than actually deliver the message it will hold it in a special hang over account. There, under the bright light of a sobering sun, you can examine your messages before you send them out. iDrink, the ultimate social safety net.

#2. iSuck

Again, not what you think. We all do this- spend countless hours creating playlists in iTunes that are specifically designed to remove all of the embarrassing tunes from a shuffle so your friends and co-workers won't laugh at the cheese balls of your collection. Well Apple has taken the effort out of staying cool, but creating the iSuck playlist, this will scan your iTunes library for sucky tunes that you happen to love (see: Ricky Martin, ABBA, Barry Manilow, et. all), and sequester them to a special private only list. The kicker-at the sign of a second heartbeat in the room iSuck will automatically switch to your publicly approved tunes.

#1. iClone

It's about damn time. about 95% of most people's days are spent doing stuff they don't want to be doing. Apple has finally created the iClone. A software algorithm that can cut down on the nonsense you don't want to be present for...tasks include email correspondance, laundry, listening to your boss, watching Sex in the City, and paying the bills. iClone will learn your behaviors and replicate them, freeing you up for more time with your significant other and maybe even iWrap.

1 comment:

Marc V said...

I need the isuck gadget because my wife and I share and Ipod and you don't know how many times people have checked out the library on it and looked at me like I'm crazy. Invent it dude, I'll buy it.