Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Top 5 Tips of Movie Advice to Follow

There comes a time when certain bits of dialogue should be heeded at all costs. For instance, observe Bruce Banner's plea. "Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like to see me when I'm angry." Imagine not listening to that. BAM! You've just become a statistic, because a 10-foot, hulking green freak just went medieval on your ass by tossing you through the window of a twelve-story building. For many, listening to certain bits of advice will only do its part to save the only life you have. Observe these moments in film when heeding dialogue was the difference between life and death (or perhaps, a better understanding of how life works).

5. “Step into the light, Carol Anne.” - the creepy ghost whisperer in The

Unless eternity in a fourth-dimension of ghouls and ghosts is your idea of a good time, step into the light and free yourself from the clutches of a cult-driven, maniacal preacher. Mind you, Carol Anne got herself in grave danger by passing through a television screen in the first place. If bizarre images percolating from a television set have taught us anything (see The Ring), it's that you don't, under any circumstances, answer the beckoning of a spirit-driven entertainment box that wants you dead.

4. “You [just] dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a f----n' education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library.” - Will
Hunting in Good Will Hunting

Here's the scene. Pompous ass walks into a bar. This tool of textbook regurgitation pawns off ideas on colonial American economic systems as pick-up lines used so uncouthly on unsuspecting chicks. A wise, albeit cocky, prodigy intercedes, dropping serious knowledge on finances that could have been better spent elsewhere. There you have it, uninspired Harvard grad: you just got served by a 40 oz.-toting orphan from Southie; how you like THEM apples?

3. “Leave the guns. Take the canolis.” - Clemenza in The Godfather

You've just committed homicide in cold blood (that wise guy had it coming, though!). Now, you have a predicament on your hands: the murder devices used to whack Paulie remain in your possession. Here's the answer: dump them off in Paulie's car and take some desserts to fill your belly on the way back to meet the Don. Problem solved; the heat is completely off you, allowing for the enjoyment of some Italian-pastry goodness. Bellissimo!

2. “If you only knew the power of the Dark Side of the Force.” - The Emperor in Return of the Jedi

Consider this, Luke Skywalker. Your father is a cyborg and Emperor Palpatine's face looks like moldy coffee cake. All of this transpired in the name of the "Dark Side." That is no life for you. Now wield that green lightsaber of yours and take these bitches OUT!

1. “Don’t cross the streams.” - Egon Spengler in Ghostbusters

Chances are, you'll never don a 125,000 BTU-pumping proton pack. In the event you do, never allow the streams that pulse from your proton gun to come in contact with the frantic stream from another gun. The results could be disastrous. Consider, also, this dialogue's real world application. Two guys walk into a bar bathroom, both of whom must break the seal. Of the three stalls in the lavatory, two are out of order, leaving one toilet to pee in. Does one gentleman risk internal damage by allowing the other dude to go in front of him or does this said customer suggest to the other , "Let's cross the streams?" The answer to this tricky scenario is a resounding "NO!" to the latter. If wetting your pants comes at the expense of not 'crossing swords,' then so be it. Large pee spots are easier to cover up ("I drunkenly spilled water from the sink on my pants" is a plausible excuse) than sharing embarrassing stories on how you once reluctantly shared the stall with somebody. Save that sort of bathroom etiquette for the female populous. (Which prompts the mystery all men wish to have answered: why is it apropos for females to engage in a pee party at the bar or frat house?).


Marc V said...

Informative and somehow disturbing all the same. I always turn off my television when the spirits come and tempt me to enter another dimension. Nice post, I'm going to HULK out tonight at a BBQ. I'm taking my own advice from Top 5 things to do with Memorial Day weekend.

Michael said...

don't feed the magwai after midnight, and don't get him wet. else, gremlins, my friends. frickin' gremlins