Have you noticed there aren't that many great inventors anymore? Are we all invented-out? What happened to the Ben Franklins and Thomas Edisons and Marconis of the world? Now, instead of bifocals and light bulbs and telegraphs, we get stuff like this (most of which sells on late night TV for a few easy payments, plus shipping and handling)...
5. The Handphone
Because clearly, everyone has always dreamed about talking into their hand for real, like they do when they pantomime using a telephone. It's like being ten years old all over again. Oh, wait...ten year olds have real cell phones nowadays and can use the Internet with greater dexterity than their parents. The sight of something as obnoxious as the handphone almost makes you yearn for the "Zack Morris" brick cell phone. At least that could be held.
4. The Clapper
"Clap on! Clap off!" And we wonder why obesity is plaguing America. We're so damn lazy we can't even get up to turn off the lights! But there's a bigger issue at hand. What if I spontaneously want to applaud the television for a righteous play on SportsCenter? Or reward a friend's witty repartee with the "slow clap?" Suddenly my apartment turns into Studio 54, complete with disco lighting (and incomplete without the half-naked celebrities doing blow off the bathroom sink...that's only on special occasions). It's been great for a laugh, but the clapper sure as heck ain't been good for much else.
3. The Ding King
OK, let me get this straight. I attach the two ends of this metal doohickey to my car, tighten the knobs, and voila the dents magically go away? Why am I not surprised that those with personal experience with the product tell me it just doesn't work? Not to mention the product name, "ding king." While I'm all for a functional name, this product just sounds cheap and contrived from the word go. Somehow, I also get the feeling I'd be likely to do more damage to my car with his royal highness the ding king than the original dent I'm trying to repair.
2. The BeDazzler
Because who doesn't want a bespectacled, studded denim jacket? Clearly that was the sound logic that inspired the makers of the BeDazzler to bring this crime against fashion to market. Tim Gunn must have dry heaves at the thought of this device. In the words of Project Runway's most recent winner, anyone wearing BeDazzled apparel is most definitely a hot mess. Hot mess.
1. The Back Up
The Back Up. The world's first bedside mounted gun rack. For Americans so paranoid with fear they can't get out of bed. Think of it as The Second Amendment version of The Clapper. The perfect invention to make sure your rifle is never more than a few inches away. Granted, it's safer than sleeping with a pistol under your pillow, but really? Really? Without getting into any kind of gun control debate, it still makes you wonder just how freakin' crazy you need to be to have one of these. Plus, there's the un-sexy factor. Think about it: you bring your new lady friend home. You're giving her the tour of your palace. You end up in the bedroom. You point out the sled frame with king-sized mattress..the ultra-high thread count sheets and plush duvet...and the double-barrel sawed-off mounted to the side of your place of pleasure. Like the BeDazzler, hot mess. Hot mess.