Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Bad Bitter Beers

Recently, some colleagues and I went to a small, Beligian pub/restaurant near the office that serves hundreds upon hundreds of beers...each in a special glass to maximize the flavor of each particular brew. The following brews, no matter what you serve them in - from a clear, sparkling pint glass to a red Solo cup - always taste one grade above your urine. Which is sterile, at least. Everyone has his/her favorite bad brew from the frat days. Feel free to comment and add to The V List's Keg 'O Shame.

5. O'Doul's
AKA: beer for older people who won't want to get drunk. This overpriced bottled water doesn't even supply a satisfying buzz to mask its oh-so-salt-watery flavor. Seriously, this stuff should be used for mummification. It carries a curse, not unlike King Tut.

4. Sapporo

Japanese for "blerg!" Apparently, rice is used in the brewing process. Mistake numero uno. For all the incredible Japanese innovations in the world, this beer is not one of them. I feel like it's probably more useful as a formaldehyde-like substance to keep sushi fresh as it's transported across the Pacific to your local Asian fusion restaurant.

3. Busch Light

This was our dorm beer. Why? It was so cheap and so flavorless that it was the perfect choice for creating the Warren Towers specialty drink, "The Force."

Recipe: Take 3-4 cans of Busch Light or other inexpensive, watery beer. Pour into mixing bowl or pitcher. Add one can of frozen lemonade. Then fill the empty frozen lemonade can with cheap vodka (Gordon's does the trick!) and add it to the mix. Stir vigorously with a wooden spoon, stick, large pen, etc. Consume liberally. Think that sounds gross? Never underestimate the power of The Force...or its tremendous flavor! Don't'll be so drunk, your tongue won't know the difference. For "The Dark Side," use limeade.

2. Natural Light/Ice

Otherwise known as Natty Light or Natty Ice, this beer just sounds like bad news from the start. I can't help but hear "gnatty" and think of a malaria infested swamp. Flies everywhere. Feeding upon our rotting carcasses. Ew. Then there's the silver bullet-style can that just screams of quality. For the love, this Natural brew should have died off by natural selection long ago.

1. Milwaukee's Best

There simply is no equal for "The Beast." I have never had more than half a can. I simply can't get past the bitterness. As a colleague once described Heinekin (which isn't that bad), The Beast is reminiscent of old vajayjay. You can't stop The Beast, you can only hope to contain it. This is one fiercely bad, bitter beer.


Bryan Pol said...

One other to add to the list: Meister Brau. We used to buy this for 8 dollars a case. Single digit cost figures ought to say something about its quality: NASTY. Outstanding list.

Patrick said...

Ahhh, Natty Ice, the favorite beer of East Stroudsburg University. That crap was dangerous. All the hairy and rotund lumberjack lesbians from the Rugby team would always be all jacked up on that shit.

Then again, as bad as it was, Natty Ice was probably the only reason I got any during college. Alas I was usually to busy sleeping off a hangover from good brew or a weekend long Half-Life and Quake 2 binge to even get a shot at some play.

In order to get those memories out of my head, I will crack open a Yuengling tonight.

Patrick said...

Oh man....any else that was at ESU around 99-00 will remember Hurricane.
It was a test market beer you could get cheap. We did the frat boy thing of puling the labels off and sticking them on the door as if it was a badge of honor.

It was sold as a 40 and was dirt cheap, so it got drank a lot. I just want to vomit thinking about it.

Marc V said...

Praise be to ESU and all hail Natty Ice, the official beer of virtually every frat and sports house party. Somebody once taught me a trick to neutralize the shitty taste early on in the night. By five or six beers it didn't matter what you were drinking cause you passed the taste threshold, but regardless. To make the beer taste better you would spray binaca in the beer and it would make it taste like mint. Sounds gross, but it actually worked. Amazing list dude. I remember when we threw back a punch bowl full of the force. People were throwing food out my front door by the end of the night. I'm surprised my house wasn't burned down. Never underestimate the power of the dark side. Lime kicks ass!

Ant L said...

You missed Keystone light which actually tastes worse then my piss....If I had a choice I'd choose B. Pol's urine!

Brittiny said...

Keystone Light definitely has to be added. 30 packs shouldn't cost $10 but this one sure as hell does.

amanda said...

key light def. needs to be added. oh, and we can't forget pabst and schlitz, both terrible brews. hurricane is also awful. but of course on a college budget, any of these terrible beers will eventually get the job done.

Bryan Pol said...

As is the case at most college bars, representatives from various beer sponsors periodically show up at these watering holes to promote their product and give away goodies (t-shirts, key chains, bottle openers, etc.). One night in Kutztown, at an establishment called Shorty's, the people from Pabst Blue Ribbon opened up a VIP room and doled out invitations for prize winners to drink their brew all night long. Even broke ass college kids turned them down. That speaks volumes about PBR's notoriously bad taste. Why was Kentucky Fried Chicken suddenly called KFC? 'Cause it ain't real chicken. Why shorten Pabst Blue Ribbon to PBR? It ain't real beer either. More like the ram's piss they drank in Beerfest.

Anonymous said...

dude natty light is da shit. fo shizzle man we got a kid in our class so hyped up on that we be callin him natty kid.