Friday, May 16, 2008

Spending Your Stimulus Bill in Five Easy Steps

As we speak, over 100 million Americans eagerly await the arrival of their IRS stimulus checks. What were you planning on doing with your money? Pay Bills? How boring. While some families may not get their moolah until late July, the "V" list would like to give you some suggestions on how to spend your money on frivolous crap. The "V" list would like to remind our readers that this blog takes no responsibility whatsoever if you actually decide to go out and buy some of this garbage instead of using the money in a wise fashion. Just in case you planned on spending your check on something you don't need, here are fabulous ideas!

5. Big Ass LCD Television

We're talking about 36 inches minimum here folks. Rule of thumb is if it's not obnoxious looking in your living room, then the television isn't quite large enough. The fellas are probably feeling this purchase more than the women. I don't know what it is about giant televisions per se, but if you got the extra cash, nothing says stimulus check bliss like watching your favorite shows in HD.

4. Making it Rain!
Most middle class Americans will never get a chance to be a
P - I - M - P, so take this opportunity to behave beyond your pay grade. Convert your stimulus check into one dollar bills so you have a fat (or phat) stack-o-cash. Then go to a well populated environment, climb onto an elevated pedestal or stage, and let em have it. Don't forget to gloriously throw your hands into the air as you watch all the "little people" scramble for the cash at your feet. Try repeating ego boosting phrases to make you feel like you're living in a rap video.

3. By A (one) PlayStation 3 Gaming Console

For 1200 you can get the game console and one controller. Wires and one game will run you another 500, so you'll have to wait until next year's rebate check. I know this sounds disheartening, but look at it this way, you're half way there to owning the most awesome gaming system in the history of the universe! I am obligated to tell you that if you purchase number our number three item, there are several unwanted side effects including: poor sex life, loss of friends and family, and uncontrollable anger.

2. Role Play James Bond Style

Step 1: Get a swanky tuxedo. Step 2: Rent an exotic car from Viper Rentals and drive to Atlantic City. Step 3: High Stakes Poker Room. At this point you might have enough money left to play one hand, so suck in all the drama while you can. When you lose, karate chop the player immediately to your right, grab his stack of chips and bolt for the door. You are likely to have an excellent insanity plea if you call your self "Bond, James Bond" during your interrogation by casino security.

1. Monkey!

If I had a million dollars, well I'd buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?Since we're only working with about 1200 dollars, we're going to have to be creative. Take a thousand dollars of your rebate check and bribe a zoo official to look the other way while you grab one of the little primates. Spend 100 dollars to buy him clothing from the Build-a-Bear store and all your dreams have come true. I don't have to tell you the value of owning a monkey by this point. If this sounds like a foreign concept I would recommend either Dane Cook or Grandma's Boy as reference material. Teach your monkey karate or turn him into a butler to wait on your every need. I should mention that the last 100 dollars of your refund check will probably go towards the cleaning supplies necessary to remove the flung poo from your apartment walls. Nobody said owning a monkey would be easy.

1 comment:

Bryan Pol said...

Monkey servant ALL THE WAY. It's been a silly dream of mine since childhood.