Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Fictitiously Vicious List of Bad Ass Black Dudes

As an homage to all things fiercely bad-ass and Nubian, I present to you the list of the baddest black characters to ever walk this planet, a group of dudes just looking to clean your clock with one sideways look on your behalf. And if you don't like it, you'll get served a Clubber Lang right hook to the dome piece, sucka!

5. Principal Joe Walsh, Eastside's Finest

Joe Walsh simply did not give a damn what his superintendent thought about his unorthodox practices, just as long as Eastside High's hallways were expunged of cretins, miscreants, and low lives. This kinda FU attitude is just what the doctor ordered for the schools of America! Want to smoke crack, do you? Just ask Sams how that worked out---you'll find yourself dangling from the rooftops for all those rocks you're slingin'! Can't get to class on time? Consider your ass locked out of the premises. Just as long as you care about a state-mandated assessment, you're alright in Walsh's book.

4. Go and Tell Your Friends that Mr. Eko Let You Live

So what he punked out when he came face-to-face with a tall column of nondescript black smoke? Homeboy earned that death with a D.U.I. And if that's not enough street cred for you, then bear the wrath of of Mr. Eko's bludgeon, complete with biblical scripture and notch marks for each unsuspecting fool he put to death. Drug-dealing while donning a clergyman's tunic? No task was too specious to ask of Nigeria's finest.

3. Clubber Lang Will Beat You Like a Dog, Fool!

Even Apollo Creed bowed down to Clubber Lang's blazing quick fists of steel and open threats of crucifixion. With quips like 'Paper Champion,' Lang could manhandle you with verbal jabs just as potent and demoralizing as his punch. Fools everywhere were pitied in having to face the brashly pernicious prizefighter from the mean streets of Chicago. Was it worse to endure a Thunderlips power slam or a Lang uppercut? Clubber reckons you know the answer.

2. King Kong Ain't Got S#*% on Alonzo Harris!

Either Denzel is bringing down dirty cops (American Gangster) or playing one himself (Training Day). The notorious Alonzo Harris set Boy Scout Jake Hoyt on the path of the wicked with outlandish cop behavior, knocking around hard-nosed punks with random pistol whippings, knives to the jugular, and threats to lob a cracker's lower male extremity right the hell off. What's that you say? Not so keen on the idea of joining the corrupt underground of the LAPD? Have an incriminating dose of Mr. Sherman Hemsley to straighten you out. Otherwise, we're gonna have a problem. Even in death, Harris still sent the treacherous vagrants of Compton off with a big fat 'F$%& you and yo' momma!' Not even Tony Montana took that many bullets to the limbs, face, and torso.

1. And Jules Winnfield Shall Strike Down Upon Thee with Great Vengeance!

Listen: when a dude like Jules lays waste to some sheepish criminal in the name of God, there's no denying him the number one slot. Whether he's instructing some bitch to be cool or embroidering his wallet with a 'Bad Mother F%*#er' decal, you know Jules means some serious business. My man made the Jheri Curl fashionable, complementing the hairstyle with the meanest of scowls and the shiniest piece of Smith and Wesson a smooth killer could get his hands on. Top it off with a verse or two from the gospel, and you've got yourself the Baddest Black Character of Film, baby!


JamesBedell said...

Can I just say that "lean on me" is one of my favorite flicks...


Michael said...

Ridiculously fantastic.

Call me old fashioned...but where's Shaft? He's a bad mutha...

Anonymous said...

excellent points and the details are more specific than somewhere else, thanks.

- Thomas