Monday, May 12, 2008

Celebrity Douchebags

There is an old saying which states nice guys finish last. I used to believe that statement to be untrue, but when you look at the success of these guys it makes you wonder, "where did I go wrong?" Three out of the five nominees owe their careers to the paparazzi and the other two are posterchildren for substance abuse. Besides the fact that they are scum, they make way more money in a year than I will in my lifetime. The real challenge on this "V" list will not be to debate if they belong on this list, it will be to find a redeeming quality amongst them. I present the top five douchebags in Hollywood.

5. Brandon Davis

Better known as the guy who called Lyndsey Lohan a "firecrotch". Wait a minute, that's they only thing that he is known for. This guy is the male equivalent of Paris Hilton, but I wouldn't even besmirch Paris as to say she is as low as this dude. He has no future prospects and / or talents save for public intoxication and vulgarity. While he may fall out of this list in a year's time, he will forever remain a total douchebag.

4. Kevin Federline (K-Fed)
This is the guy who took the concept of sugarmomma to a whole new level. Lord knows what Brittany ever saw in him, and ever since K-Fed got his hands on the pop princess, she has been damaged goods. While Brandon (see above) devotes his time to being a social degenerate, K-Fed worked his way up the douche rankings because he tried to roll his Brittany fame into a terrible rap album and an awful reality show off. What makes him an utter douche is that he's laughing all the way to the bank. Isn't alimony awesome?

3. Alec Baldwin

Let me start this off by saying there are many things that I like about Alec Baldwin despite the fact that he is a total douchebag. Nobody pisses off the conservative wing of the Republican party like good ol' Alec, and that makes me love him. Even a hit television series cannot spare Baldwin the wrath of the "V" list. Anybody who can call his 11 year old daughter a "thoughtless little pig" while bashing mother Kim Basinger needs help. While everybody makes mistakes, don't pretend to be a preachy pseudo politician while your parenting skills leave much to be desired.

2. Mel Gibson

Where do I begin? Mel Gibon made Braveheart! Braveheart! Immediately after his success, Mel's head swelled to the size of the Empire State Building and he began to embark on an entirely new genre of filmmaking, holier than thou films. When controversy surrounded Mel's film Passion of the Christ, individuals rushed to his defense stating that his father's anti-semitic comments were taken out of context and that Mel and his father harbored no ill will or agenda. Flash forward to July 2006 and the DUI heard round the world. Since then, Mel's career has mirrored his film Apocalypto, a once great empire in decline while nobody can understand what the hell you are saying.

1. Spencer Pratt (The Hills)

The first time I saw the video for One Republic's Apologize I thought this guy was their lead singer and almost threw my shoe at the television. Spencer is the epitome of everything wrong with Hollywood. He is a self promoter to the n'th degree, and what's worse is that he has nothing to promote. This is the kind of guy who sat around in high school and said, "I think I'll become a musician today", while at the same time he had no talent whatsoever. The difference between Spencer and the rest of those guys you knew in high school is that Spencer has money and the other guy did not. His only claim to fame is that he's dating another "B" list celebrity in Heidi Montag, whom fellow blogger Bryan calls a "douchette". I hope that Spencer's fame is short lived and someday we'll look back upon this list and say "who the hell is that guy?"


Bryan Pol said...

Those pics are worth a thousand words; everyone of them substantiates their uber-douchery.

Patrick said...

Some honorable mentions:
1. John Mayer: Ugh....I think Family Guy said it best when Chris had the zit that controlled him to spraypaint "Thats Enough, John Mayer" on the side of a building. Sums up my feelings exactly.

2. Mike Tyson: Wow.

3. Dick Cheney: He's is just starting to creep me out now, I am positive he is nocturnal.

4. Barry Bonds: No one believes you Barry. Clemens for that matter as well (waits for the flame from Pol!.

Patrick said...

Classic K-Fed Mockery