Monday, June 16, 2008

Worst Chores Ever!

Doing chores is a right of passage in our American society that dates all the way back to the colonists. I'm sure that when they look at our society they will think that we've gone soft with the things we consider "work." Back in the day, (which was a Wednesday by the way) they had to do all kinds of hardcore manual labor before the sun even came up. I'll give them props, but I'm still going to complain about the things that I hate doing around my house. In my "technology we need now post", I stated my desire to have a robot to run around and do all my work for me. I really don't mind if the robot becomes self aware at some point and enslaves humanity. I think it is definitely worth the risk if I don't have to do these stupid chores anymore. The "V" list presents, worst household chores.

5. Laundry

While this is a must if you don't want to end up smelling like a physical education locker room, it still is a major pain in the arse. My household used to be like a laundromat when I was a child. In fact, all my buddies that came over used to make fun of all the laundry our home would accumulate. Why does it seem like there's always a basket of laundry to wash, fold, or put away? People suggest that I to continue to wear clothing over and over, but that's gross. Regardless of how necessary it is, doing the laundry totally sucks.

4. Making the Bed

Why do you make your bed when you wake up? Honestly, what is the point? If it doesn't bother you that your bed looks disheveled then why care? Who is inside of your house during the day while you're at work that will say, "...these slobs don't even make their own bed." Nobody, that's who! In my opinion, making the bed is one of the most useless exercises. While it's acceptable to make it the first time when you clean your sheets, the other times in between are totally pointless.

3. Watering Plants

If it doesn't grow naturally, then I don't want to be bothered by it. If some plant cannot survive without the rain water outside, I say it's a victim of natural selection and should never have been introduced to the region in the first place. To take a page out of JamesNintendoNerd's book, "you know what's BS?" Plants are BS! You have to take a half hour out of your life every day to help them live. You're degrading the quality of your own life to sustain some inanimate object. Let the plants die and enjoy the grass and natural vegetation. If you live in the desert and love it when things are green, move somewhere else.

2. Washing the Dog

I hate the smell of wet dog, most especially when my bathtub smells like one. This chore sucks for two reasons: 1) Dogs never cooperate and 2) It leads to another chore, cleaning your bathroom. I have owned over ten dogs in my lifetime and every single one of them hated getting cleaned. Bathing is a horrible form of water torture for the canine species, and they never cooperate. My three little beasts curl up in a ball at the back of the tub and tighten every muscle making it virtually impossible to massage in the shampoo. By the time it comes time to drying the pups off, they are more insane than Rick James on a crack binge. They wildly thrash about, making what seems like a simple exercise more complicated that a drunken game of Operation. I hate this chore so much that I pay somebody every month to do it for me. God bless dog groomers and all that they do for our society. Without you I might loose my mind and buy a lizard.

1. Mowing the Lawn

You already know how I feel about plants, so this won't be too much of a stretch. If it were up to me, I would let my grass grow all summer long until it became so high that small groups of Vietcong soldiers could hide in it without my even noticing. Mowing the lawn is the worst! I'm sure this wouldn't be such a terrible process if I had awesome tools like a riding mower and a cordless weed whacker, but I have the gangster 99.99 lawn mower from Wal-Mart which never works. I have to pull my arm out of its socket to get the crappy Briggs and Stratton engine to fire up. Secondly, my property is full of rocks which fire back into my shins, thoroughly cutting the crap out of me. To top it all off, I get attacked by resident insects that are pissed off that I'm chopping down their home. I've had to fight off wasps, horseflies, and yellow jackets all in an attempt to conform to the Better Homes and Gardens image of what a beautiful lawn should look like. Some men actually find mowing the lawn therapeutic. Personally I think they're crazy. Mowing the lawn is the most god awful job one can do, and I would gladly hand it off to a robot any day.

3 comments:

amanda said...

I have to add donig the dishes. although it is a necessary chore, it is one of the most disgusting chores around. the last thing I want to do with my life is scrape half eaten, hardened mashed potatoes off of a plate. and don't even get me started on grease and gravy! people can be really disgusting when it coems to food sometimes, and I refuse to be the one who cleans it all up.

Marc V said...

good call.

Michael said...

i detest dishes and laundry...and cleaning the bathroom.

i must admit, i do miss mowing the lawn. it's like giving the grass a haircut. it's kinda peaceful. tell you what, you come clean my apartment and i'll come out and mow your lawn.