Saturday, June 28, 2008

Concealed Weapons: Anatomical Armories in Film!

When we say these people are packing, we mean it quite literally. One hopes these individuals procured the proper licensees to carry these weapons, because they are physically attached to their bodies making it somewhat hard to remove. These five characters would not fare well in a routine stop in an episode of COPS, as it would likely end with their being tazed or pepper sprayed for carrying a weapon which they refused to yield. While the following characters are odd, disgusting, and biologically incorrect, they show us what can happen when directors, producers, and hallucinogens mix. Shout out goes to Mega Man (who doesn't qualify) for his arm blaster, which can also be found in the game Dead Rising.

5. Rose McGowan (Deathproof)

Quentin Tarentino gets love twice on this list for his characters that involve sidearms as part of their anatomy. While Sex Machine is far more disturbing, Rose McGowan's assault rifle leg is just preposterous. I will be the first to say that Tarentino is a genius when it comes to film making, but perhaps he has been drinking a bit too much of his own Kool-Aid lately. It's like the George Lucas Jar-Jar Binks phenomenon, otherwise known as the what can happen to a film maker when people around him can no longer say, "I don't think that's a good idea". The machine gun leg look has been described as "sexy" and "provocative" by some on the Internet. The only person who finds this look sexy is Paul McCarntney, so in the future can you leave this ridiculousness out of your films? Thanks Quentin.

4. Captain Hook (Hook)

Captain Hook is the Original Gangsta when it comes to concealed weapons. The Captain was so B.A, that he made no attempt to even conceal that bad boy. In fact, he flashed it continuously to remind people of where he was going to stick it if they got out of line. I wonder what Hook's temperment was like prior to losing his hand to that crocodile. He must have been jovial, because many of the pirates whom surround him are quite nice actually. I can't imagine them rolling with a grumpy bastard like that, lest they give him a pass for, I don't know, let's say, losing a hand to a crocodile. Seriously dude, you need to see a shrink because all those rage issues will not go away on their own.

3. Sex Machine (From Dusk Till Dawn)

While the "penis gun" also made an appearance in Robert Rodriguez's film Desperado, we only get to see how it works in the vampire film From Dusk Till Dawn. In fact, the entire character centers around his "piece" which can come into action at a moments notice. What does he load that thing with Viagra? You think he's nasty in human form, wait till you see him as a vampire.

2. Edward Scissorhands

While Johnny Depp's Ginzu sharp phalanges were never intended as weapons, they sure can mess a brotha up. Did you see what he did to Anthony Michael Hall? Homeboy got wrecked! Why the hell did Vincent Price give him scissor hands in the first place? That's seriously demented! What utility could there be in lacking an prehensile thumb? While director Tim Burton shows some of the practical uses like cutting hair, making landscape architecture, and ice carving, Edward remains as useless as teats on a bull. Also, why is Price the only person on earth that can make hands out of wax (or whatever) to put on that boy? I'm sure there's some Harvard or Yale scholar that can whip up some robotic hands. After all, they did it for Luke in Star Wars when his joint got chopped off by Vader.

1. Bruce Campbell (Army of Darkness)

Nothing can compare with Bruce Campbell's Husqvarna arm attachment, which he wields with perfection. Campbell slices through undead hoards like a hot knife through butter. Albeit, the use of his chainsaw as an arm seems quite plausible when coupled with time travel to the Middle Ages and an army of undead who spring to life after a reading from the Necronomicon. Bruce Campbell may be the only person I know who is actually stoked to lose his hand and replace it with a power-tool. This film combines the best elements of Scarface and Dawn of the Dead, without once taking itself seriously. If you have never had the pleasure of viewing Army of Darkness I recommend a group of friends and some alcohol to enhance the viewing experience.

1 comment:

Bryan Pol said...

Dexy's Midnight Runners's "Come on, Eileen" epitomized everything good about being a timeless one-hit wonder...until Bruce Campbell came along. If he were to never star in a film again, I'd be fine with it because 'Army of Darkness' was that AWESOME. Bravo on a great post.