Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Naughty TV!

I'm not passing judgment on anybody that may enjoy the following television shows. If they are your dirty little secret, I'm cool with that. However, aside from their shock value and raunchiness I can't fathom any redeeming qualities these programs possess that would make you want to watch them. I could rally for more family friendly programming, but to be honest, they are boring. There are only so many episodes of Oprah's Big Give and Extreme Home Makeover I can stomach before wanting to end my own life. These are the shows that are born to be bad, and we (the viewing public) seem to love every minute of them.

5. The Girls Next Door

This show is what you get when you combine and episode of Cribs with three blonde Playboy Bunnies. I have seen a few episodes of this "reality show" (if you can actually call this reality) and let me say that there is absolutely no reason for it to exist. The Girls Next Door is Hef's way of saying, "I'm 120 years old and I still get twenty-something year old women to throw themselves at me!" Hugh Hefner takes polygamy to a whole new level, juggling three Playmates (Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson) that are a quarter of his age. This show thrives on a ton of hair dye and Viagra. Tune in to E! network to catch the hijinx.

4. The Real World

Remember when the Real World centered around a social experiment of placing people from different backgrounds into a house for several months and filming the process? Much like MTV, the Real World has morphed from its original purpose and has become tainted by what I like to call "Spring Break complex". Basically the Real World is one episode after another of drunken belligerence and downright nasty behavior. Besides, nothing about the Real World is "real" anyway. Let's think of why the title of the show contradicts its content. First of all, they live in amazing houses and pay for absolutely nothing (except gallons of alcohol). Secondly, the jobs they perform are not in concert with what the rest of the world does with their nine to five. Most of the time, they can't even perform their jobs because they are so intoxicated or lazy. When did the Real World turn into Girls Gone Wild? Oh wait, most of the former cast-mates actually work for Girls Gone Wild! Schnap!

3. The Real Housewives of O.C

I used to think that Desperate Housewives was too far fetched because nobody is that eccentric or self absorbed. Damn, I was wrong! Bravo network's real housewives are so caddy and self-centered that they make the women of ABC seem like Mother Teresa. There are two incarnations of this show, one in New York and the other in California. Despite their geographic differences both shows are equally full of smut and display a side of humanity I thought could only be found in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible. Jezebel ain't got Sh*% on these gals! I dare you to watch an episode if you don't believe me. The downside to viewing is that you will die within seven days of viewing an entire episode.

2. TMZ

This show takes everything wrong with the world and crams it into a half hour celebrity gossip montage. Want to see Lindsey Lohan's private parts? Then I believe this is the show for you. TMZ specializes in making headlines out of substance abuse, divorce, and child custody battles. As if Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition weren't bad enough? At least Mary Heart and Mark Steines have the decency to pretend like they genuinely care about people they smear. TMZ puts the old saying, "there's no such thing as bad press" to the test.

1. A Shot at Love 2

I feel dirty after I watch an episode of this show. Literally. First of all, lemme digress by saying that any "dating" show with a sequel number after its title is bound to be full of bulls&%^. If this show was truly about finding love, there would cease to be a sequel. Tila Tequila is not about "finding love". Tila Tequila is, however, all about bisexual make out sessions, which apparently substitutes for talent nowadays. Remember when celebrities used to "do stuff" that made them famous? Worse than the "celebrity host" ( and again I use that term loosely) are the people who vie for her affection. Their behavior is intentionally atrocious in the hopes that they will get a spin-off dating show of their own on either VH1 or MTV. Please MTV stop the vicious cycle of dating shows, because I can't handle A Shot at Love 3. Find another random bisexual person who needs an improved love life. Don't insult my intelligence and try to convince me that this show is about anything else except T & A.

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