Sunday, June 8, 2008

Top 5 SuperPowers I Want...

Dane Cook weighs in on the topic, give a listen...

After a discussion with an annoying person today I found myself thinking, "God I wish I had a superpower that I could use to destroy him." Aside from shooting spaghetti on people, what superpower would I love to have at my disposal to dispense justice and preserve/destroy the natural order of society? Dane Cook already said that flying is number one on every body's list, so it's been removed for arguments sake. In addition to flying here are the top five powers I would choose and how I would use them to dominate my opponents.

5. Invisibility (Invisible Woman, Fantastic Four)

The possibilities of this power are limitless. Think what it would be like to listen in on people's conversations to find out what they really thought about you. I could even make withdrawals from the bank without anybody else knowing. While Invisible powers may not serve you well in a superhero brawl, they are very practical when it comes to everyday life. The obvious downside is that when you came out of invisibility you would be totally naked in front of everybody. Now that's embarrassing!

4. Invincibility (Hancock)

Everybody wants Hancock's ability to fly, but for me the best part about being Hancock is that human weapons can not kill you. While I have not seen this movie, it seems safe to say that if you have Hancock's powers you are the mack daddy. Some people would love to flaunt this power, however I would keep it under wraps and become a Running Back in the NFL. I would be a touchdown machine. Imagine all the money that I would bring in during my free agent year. I'd go Pacman Jones and make it rain with all the green I was raking in from my hidden powers. The downside of invincibility in the NFL would be the constant drug testing, since league officials would think Jose Canseco was stabbing me in the ass with 'roids. I wonder, would the needles even penetrate my skin? Hrmm. This could be a problem.

3. Teleportation (Nightcrawler, X-Men)

Why would you need to fly when you could zap yourself instantly across the globe? Suddenly that European vacation seems much more affordable. Just be careful you don't transport yourself into a solid mass and get stuck in the floor or wall somewhere. Procrastinators and sleepy heads rejoice because now you can hit the snooze button a few more times in the morning and add the time spent driving to your beauty rest. Of course the subscription to XM Radio in your car will be going to waste.

2. Time Travel (Hiro Nakamura, Heroes)

I don't want to open up a debate on time travel and the paradoxes that would ensue if this power were possible. Since we're suspending our disbelief, I'm asking if nerds could unite behind me in saying that it would be cool if this power didn't come with tremendous setbacks. I would travel forward and learn stock market trends, lottery numbers, and new technologies. Perhaps I could drop in on my life and make adjustments and corrections. I realize that in doing so I'll probably rip a hole in the space time continuum and end humanity, but selfishly I think it's worth it.

1. Control of Electricity (Zeus, Greek Mythology)

Annoying and stupid people would fear my wrath as I would rain down bolts of lightning from the sky and smote them where they stood. Throngs of pitiful humans would plead for mercy saying, "Don't taze me bro!" Despite losing all my friends, I would have a very promising career in law enforcement and crowd control. You're totally rude, here's your electricity.

1 comment:

Anthony L said...

I would rather have professor X ability to read people's minds and telekinesis abilities. I could make people do what I want by crippling them with my brain......kind of like I do now