At least 90% of the male population with a love for sports and access to the Internet have tried their hand at fantasy sports, which allows you to play the role of virtual GM to patch together the ultimate band of athletes as only you see fit. Each and every year, you put together an immaculate squad of unbeatable 'studs' that finishes dead last. Winning a fantasy sports crown is like winning your NCAA March Madness office pool: it simply does not happen. When it comes to fantasy sports, one can engage in the standard Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Football leagues, two brands of web-based sports that comprises every free moment of a male's life from March to January, if they take it seriously enough. And that's just it. There is a minute sample of the male populous that takes fantasy sports so damn seriously, even Fantasy NASCAR and Fantasy Bass Fishing are available to the fantasy gaming masses. Yes, my friends; some elements of the sports world, namingly of the fantasy persuasion, is like NBC's Celebrity Circus---grossly unnecessary.
5. Beyond the Fantasy Draft
For anyone that has participated in fantasy sports, the absolute best facet of the league is partaking in the draft. Dudes get together, having brought their favorite brew to the draft table, and engorge themselves with copious amounts of buffalo wings in between picking players for their squad. Jabs are made about awful picks (you actually took Brady Quinn in the fourth round?) and men squabble over the guy 'they were going to take with their next pick' that is now off the draft board. But once it's all said and done, men lose interest in the overall proceedings of the league (unless you are one of ten teams that actually has a chance of winning the whole shebang). Take for instance Fantasy Baseball, when the league spans 162 games. Your team has ten starting pitchers, but only five available slots for use. And these hurlers pitch every five days. In order for you to take care of this pitching conundrum, you have no other choice but to regulate your team every single day. And God forbid you have a player land on the disabled list. Then, you have to fish the free agent pool for a lesser player that puts up worse stats than what you intended, forcing you to test the trade market. Do you see how inane things can possibly get in a fantasy league? And this is just predicament five about what's wrong with fantasy sports!
I am guilty as charged when it comes to this particular item on the list, as I showed up to a recent Fantasy Basketball draft donning a Steve Nash jersey. But some men actually dole out $300 of hard earned cash to afford a Mitchell and Ness Joe Montana jersey that gets dry cleaned and is kept in the closet beside the Armani. Although men salivate over the chance of owning a jersey of their favorite ballplayer, when is it ever really appropriate to wear a jersey and not feel like an ass? Other than at sporting events, practically nowhere. Then again, Alyssa Milano sure as hell can pull off that Dodgers jersey.
I recently logged on to my Yahoo fantasy sports account to discover that 'baseball general managers can now register their account for a fantasy football team!' Although NFL snaps will not be taken until September, you have the ability to draft a team now and....wait. And wait. From now until the start of the NFL season, there will be a fortnight of Olympic play, a Republican National Convention, thousands more MLB games played (with hundreds more to go in September), an NBA draft, the passing of another Big Brother season, and the release of summer blockbusters come and gone, and yet, I have the ability to sign up for a Fantasy Football league. What a frackin' crock! (On a side note, did
2. Obscene Amounts of Fantasy Guides
The number kajillion, beyond anything a googleplex could possibly calculate, was adopted to account for the amount of fantasy sports guides available to the fantasy gaming public. No matter which one you choose, every last magazine will run you $9 and will get your fingers smudged up with black ink despite the facade of its sharp-looking, glossy cover. 75% of the guide is devoted to advertisements, annoying paper subscription requests, and stories covering 'can't miss picks' that you waste your first pick on and ends up fizzling by Week 3 of the season (Reggie Bush, anyone?). This trend needs to die like the phrase 'hot mess.' If Webster's has the right to murder words and excise them from the dictionary every year, why can't there be an authority that banishes print revolutions like this?
1. Meyers, Wolfsheim, and Scribb: Fantasy Attorneys at Law
Run the Google search if you don't believe me. There is a corporation out there that actually takes the time to mediate questionable fantasy sports transactions. If the commissioner of your fantasy league won't hear the uproarious outcry over that lousy Albert Pujols for Jason Giambi trade, there is a lawyer out there, one who had the credentials to pass a bar exam, who will step in to test the legitimacy of your plea and the seedy deal that went down under the noses of careless league participants. The line was drawn and this fantasy sports craze passed it miles back. No wonder the female populous rightfully turns its collective nose at the very idea of men vicariously living out their passion for sports in a fantasy world. As Susan Powter once said, "STOP THE INSANITY!"