Thursday, June 12, 2008

Who needs College?

College has become so cliche. Like, everybody's doing it, so where's the originality in that? I just spent the last thirteen years of my life cooped up in some tiny classroom listening to stuffy old people talk about things that happened centuries ago. I even read this post on a website where they told me that some of the things I learned, I won't even use again. What's up with that? So here are five things that are way better to do with my life than pay thousands of dollars to get another stupid piece of paper in four years.

5. Become a traveling minstrel

These dudes rock! Literally. Instead of being penned into some stuffy building or cubicle for the rest of my life I can wander the earth like Kane in Kung-Fu. Think of all the joy that I will bring to the masses with my guitar and vocal abilities. If I travel to Europe, I could even get hired by a King (do they still have them?) and play for his amusement while he gnaws on some ham hocks or gigantic chicken leg. While I would probably be poor and resigned to living off the kindness of strangers, I'd still have my art.

4. Kung-Fu Master

Maybe I was onto something with my last idea. I could travel high into some obscure mountain range in Tibet and find a Shaolin master to train me in the martial arts. I'd have to make sure his beard is at least three feet in length, because in Karate movies, the longer the beard, the wiser the dude. I would study in the rugged outdoors for at least ten years of my natural life before embarking on some random ass quest to do...something. Maybe I could rescue cats from trees and damsels from burning buildings. Wait a minute! Am I a kung-fu master or a friggin' fireman? Scratch that idea. So, I would wander the earth searching for epic battles with other Kung-Fu masters until I am the only one left. Great, now I've become the Highlander.

3. Professional Boccie Ball Player

Did you ever see those Italian men in the park? They get so into this game. I've noticed that very few people under the ripe age of 70 play boccie. I could start a racket and hustle these old men out of their social security checks by becoming the greatest boccie ball player in the metropolitan area. I'm sure I could earn thousands taking these old fools for all they're worth. The downside is that I would have to search for another career in about ten to fifteen years when they've all died and boccie ball has become extinct.

2. Product Testing

They use humans for all kinds of tests nowadays. Cosmetic products like lotions, perfumes, and hair gels need human subjects. The best part college degree required! Sure, I'd smell like Guiseppe Franco, but I think it's worth the risk. Additionally, I'm sure these companies give you samples that you can take home and share. I could round up all the other samples and sell the items on the streets of New York city before they hit the market. So what if they're not FDA approved! What do you mean I have a giant rash growing on my forehead!? Son of a B*&^%!

1. Professional Douche Bag

Chances are if I could barely make it through high school, then I excel at the art of being a douche. I mean how hard is it to sit there and follow directions from people that are looking out for your best interest? So I'm going to take what I do best and parlay it right into a successful career. I read about this guy on an airplane that was a total douche bag and I had an epiphany. What if that guy charged money from those around him to stop acting like such a douche? It's almost like you are a hostage taker, minus the firearms and impending jail time. If somebody tried to take me down I would use my kung-fu skills or throw my styling products at him, allowing me to make my dramatic exit. Now doesn't that sound way more exciting than earning a college degree and a five figure salary? Right. Good luck in college seniors.

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