Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Crappy Sports TV!

In an archived post on bromances, I examined the male species' unhealthy infatuation with sports. Without delving again into the male affinity for athletic competitions, allow me to amend my previous argument by saying that even to the male population there is something called "sports overload." In the film Dodgeball, announcer Jason Bateman provides color commentary for ESPN 8, also known as "the ocho." The name alone suggests that there are way too many Sports networks which cover a myriad of useless events that barely qualify as "sport". This made me think, "what are the most useless sports networks (aside from the dozen ESPNs) that exist on premium cable / satellite packages?" I would like to apologize if you are a diehard fan of one of these sports, but I refuse to comprehend the necessity for these channels. Without any further delay, sports channels that suck...

5. The Golf Channel
I understand that some men are so infatuated with this sport, that they would love to fill every minute of their day with it. This however, does not justify a channel devoted entirely to Golf. Major television networks usually carry the important tournaments. Furthermore, who really gives a crap what half the field shot in the first and second round anyway? Additionally, watching a golf pro on television may not translate to success when you hit the course for yourself. A close friend once explained this channel by saying it was "like having a private tutor at his disposal 24/7." Bro, buy an instructional video if you want to improve your short game, you don't need an entire television station for that. (My statement for this channel can be applied to the Tennis channel, which I find equally as useless)

4. Outdoor Channel

This channel has loads of impact shots. That is my best summation of the content of this television station. Outdoor Channel's programs annihilate every species on the planet using a variety of weapons ranging from bows and arrow to shotguns. I'm not going to digress into some rant about hunting or animal cruelty because honestly, if you enjoy hunting, good for you. Does anybody else see the contradiction of this channel? What kinds of people watch outdoor sports? People that engage in hunting, fishing, and trapping. All of those activities are usually done outside of the house, far from a television? You see where I'm going with this? People that hunt are not inside watching television, so please take this channel off of my guide.

3. Speed Channel

Like the previous channel, the appeal of NASCAR and other racing leagues lies not only in the race, but also in the culture that surrounds the sport. Living close to Pocono Raceway has taught me that a greater number of "fans" would rather tailgate than watch cars make left hand turns. Is that professional racing or professional drinking? How many shows about crashes and racing history can I watch? Since NASCAR airs on TNT or NBC, this channel is devoted to showing alternative programming centered around racing. I believe they created an eerily similar channel for people in this target demographic called Spike TV.

2. NHL Network
For those who didn't know, the Detroit Redwings recently won the Stanley Cup. If you're not into hockey, Lord Stanley's Cup is the biggest prize a team can earn outside of an Olympic Medal. Hockey fans are probably so enraged with my inclusion of this channel on the list that they have thrown their gloves off, and are ready to earn five minutes in the box by smashing in my skull. Calm down for a minute tiger and listen to my reasoning. On what channel did the Stanley Cup finals air? NBC? That sounds like a major network. Did you know the most coveted prize in hockey only pulled in a 4.0 national rating on a major television network? If your most important event is comparable to army wives (3.1 on Lifetime) then you don't get your own channel, period! I love hockey and am a lifelong Rangers fan, but we don't need a whole network that airs year-round.

1. Horse Racing Television
I "grew up" in the shadow of the Meadowlands, and will admit that I spent far too much time during college at "the track." Individuals who place bets on horse racing either go 1) to the track or 2) to the OTB. Thousands more make "holy" pilgrimages to Belmont, Pimlico, and Churchill Downs. If one cannot make the journey, they watch those races on the major networks. So I wonder, what is the target demographic of this channel? People that are too lazy to drag their asses to the track/OTB and place a bet in person? While I'm sure there are people like that, do they need their own TV station? I think not.


Anonymous said...

Honorable mention: Big Ten Sports Network...When it's not football season you can watch all the Penn State ping pong you want!

amanda said...

so after i read this yesterday, i turned on ESPN's coverage of the US Open. much to my surprise and horror, Chris Berman was an analyst. i'm sorry, but that man just can't be a commentator for any sport besides football and baseball. Berman and golf just don't mix. he's too loud for golf.

as a side note, Bob Murphy, another golf commentator, is useless. every other analyst would contribute something worthwhile but everytime they threw it to Murph, he would say something completely pointless like, "Well, this looks like an interesting shot." Or my personal favorite, "Tiger looks more like a kitten today!"

i wonder how many other pointless analysts there are on TV.