Thursday, June 5, 2008

Before They Were Sex Icons

Have you ever watched a film, did a double take, and said, "OMG, I didn't know that person was in this movie." There nothing better than discovering a Hollywood sexual icon in a role they would rather forget. The following actors and actresses have moved onto to greener pastures, but they will never forget their role as the mad scientists, the stoner, the computer hacker, or the blood sucking night walker. The "V" list would like to remind you of roles that you may not remember and sometimes you would like to forget.

5. Angelina Jolie

Angelina's career is on fire, she is in a zillion magazines, and I think she's going to adopt the country of Kenya this summer. Before she became a media giant and mother earth, Angelina was seducing computer geeks in the 1995 film Hackers. In the film Angelina was rocking a "Bob" haircut and was emo long before it was even fashionable. I saw it last summer and it is laughable when you consider the technology in the film and how "advanced" it was only ten years ago. I marveled at how much was done over a dial-up modem. If you're jonesing for early Angelina there are a ton of other films I would recommend before watching Hackers, most notably Girl Interrupted, The Bone Collector, and Pushing Tin.

4. Jessica Alba

James Cameron's Dark Angel transformed Alba from quirky high school chick into Hollywood sex icon. Four years before Dark Angel, Jessica was the girl who had the dog food dumped on her in Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore. In an even more obscure role Alba played the female love interest in the movie Idle Hands. Since you probably missed that screen gem, so allow me to summarize it's complex plot. A couch potato's hand is possessed by Satan and he literally has to battle his demonic appendage for the duration of the movie. In my opinion, Evil Dead did it better. As with Hackers, don't feel compelled to go out and rent this movie to catch a glimpse of Alba, the hour and a half of mind numbing pain will not be worth the five minutes of screen time the director allocated to her.

3. Brad Pitt

It's rare when a character who delivers a total of four lines can steal the show. Brad Pitt's character, Floyd, in the movie True Romance was something to behold. Immediately after this film, Pitt embarked on what I like to call the Golden Age of his career. Interview, Legends of the Fall, and Seven all followed his unforgettable role as the man who took bong hits out of a plastic honey bear. While I strongly recommended you avoid Hackers and Idle Hands, True Romance will not disappoint. Romance has a star studded cast and an amazing final shootout scene that will put your surround sound to the test. My only recommendation is to turn the sound off during the wacky xylophone solos that made their way into the film's soundtrack.

2. Kirsten Dunst

Does anybody remember the little vampire girl from that movie? Yeah, that young girl was Oscar nominee Kirsten Dunst. I would point out that it wasn't a mercy nomination because she was really wonderful in the film. I have always felt that Kirsten Dunst never recovered from her early brilliance in Vampire. When it was rumored that Mary Jane died in Spider Man 3, I was seriously excited that it might mean Dunst would return to better roles. Early in her career, Dunst also starred alongside Robin Williams in Jumanji and was the little Bosnian refugee in the film Wag the Dog. Kirsten's career has seen its share of ups (Marie Antoinette, Eternal Sunshine, Elizabethtown) and downs (Bring it On, Crazy Beautiful, Wimbeldon) since playing Nosferatu alongside Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. It's shameful they had to burn her alive in the film, because I would love to see her reprise her role as an immortal.

1. Val Kilmer

I've always wanted to fill some body's house with popcorn kernels and then heat them with a giant laser beam from orbit. I would then evacuate to a safe distance and watch as the house was ripped apart by the biggest Jiffy Pop known to man. What would make this celebration complete? How about jamming out to the Tears for Fears song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"? While I would love to say this idea was an original thought, it came to me courtesy of the 1985 film Real Genius. In this film Val Kilmer plays Chris Knight, boy genius who invents the world's strongest laser as his final college science project. The laser is hijacked and turned into a weapon by the U.S. military, but before they can properly test their newfound firepower, Knight reprograms the coordinates to fire at his misguided professors house. The rest is cinematic bliss. While this movie sounds corny as hell, it is somewhat enjoyable if you can get past the fact that it is very dated. Channel 11 used to play this film all the time, but since the advent of the CW, it rarely shows on Sunday afternoons anymore. How about we start an online petition to get Real Genius more television airtime? "V" list project? I'm up for it.

1 comment:

Lauren B. said...

It is amazing how much I love the movie Real Genius.....thanks for including it, its one of the best guilty pleasure movies out there!