I'm Batman

Ever since his appearance in issue #27 of Detective Comics, Batman has surfaced in a number of Hollywood adaptations, some laughable (Batman and Robin) some campy (the 1960's rendition), some downright awesome (Christopher Nolan's reworking of the Caped Crusader's chronicles). Voiced by Kevin Conroy in various animated series, Batman has withstood the test of time as DC Comics' premier figure, one who could rival Superman with his everyman appeal. Listed below are the five men who have played the Batman over the years, just in time for tonight's premiere of The Dark Knight.


5. Adam West
Nothing says onomatopoeia like a 1960's Batman fight sequence. In a series that brought you painted on eyebrows, the stylish red Bat Phone, and the Batusi, Adam West gave campiness a whole new meaning with his portrayal of the fearless knight of Gotham City, a character who seemingly took great pleasure in lecturing his 'gee-whillickers' sidekick, Robin. It's amazing the crap you tolerated as a child; watching this series now makes me cringe with every pun West delivers, not to mention those god-awful capers involving the Riddler.

4. George Clooney
Two words: nipple suit. Clooney's undertaking as Batman was so dreadful, not even an Academy Award nomination (Syriana), three Ocean films, or a touching timepiece (Three Kings) could rid our minds of the disaster that was Batman and Robin. There's a reason this film and portrayal has been bashed in numerous posts these past few days: Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze (he actually delivered the line, "Ice to see you!"), Bruce Wayne's puzzling use of a Bat Credit Card, and the use of too many damn villains made for a deliciously putrid addition to the Batman series, worthy of all the jeers they deserve. If you thought Spiderman 3 was unwatchable, you need to feast your eyes on this steaming pile of feces, a movie that nearly killed the franchise with its juvenile appeal and awkward tribute to the cheesy series that preceded it thirty years ago. Clooney, throughout the course of this dungfest, played Batman like nobody else could, by overacting from one tedious scene to the next. I imagine Batman and Robin would be the in-flight movie on a first-class trip to hell.



3. Val Kilmer
Kilmer's role as Batman was truly underrated, as he compensated for the uneven acting of Nicole Kidman and Tommy Lee Jones's pointless turn as Two Face. It was a pleasure to watch Bruce Wayne as he took Dick Grayson (who would later become Robin) under his wing, showing him the true meaning of fortifying oneself as Gotham's vigilante force. Although Batman Forever set the tone for the technicolor glaze that became Joel Schumacher's calling card in the two Batman films he directed, the movie, broadened by Kilmer's presence as Wayne, wasn't half bad. Even so, Forever started an ugly trend: using Batman for its commercial allure, going so far as to borrow U2 (during their glamorously strange Pop days) for use on the film's soundtrack.



2. Michael Keaton
Although diminutive in size and better associated with silly roles like Beetlejuice and Mr. Mom, Michael Keaton played one hell of a Batman. In fact, Keaton was far more believable as the Dark Knight than he ever was playing the enigmatic Bruce Wayne. Tim Burton's stab at directing the Batman series was dark and intruding, a look into Batman that brought moviegoers to the cinema in droves. Essentially, Keaton's portrayal of Batman was all about pleasing the women, as Wayne tickled the fancy of leading females Kim Basinger and Michelle Pfeiffer, flirtations worthy of a cold shower (like when Catwoman straight up licked Batman's face. Grrrrroooowl).





1. Christian Bale
The man who was made for the role of the Dark Knight, Mr. Christian Bale. For those of you not up on Bale, observe his body of work (The Machinist, American Psycho, The Prestige, 3:10 to Yuma, Rescue Dawn, etc.) and take pleasure in the superb actor he is. His balance in playing both Wayne and Batman (although splendid at Batman, Keaton's role as Wayne often times left something to be desired) is what made Batman Begins so startlingly good in the first place. Bale made Wayne extremely cool (his banter with cohorts Alfred and Lucius is priceless) and Batman a mystery to be unfolded. Just as Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones, moviegoers everywhere can take solace knowing that Christian Bale will be playing Batman yet again after The Dark Knight processes through the theater this summer. While we still wait for a sequel to Superman Returns and the slow death of the Spiderman series, Christopher Nolan's Batman will continue to impress with films that speak to the true nature of who Batman is and has yet to be.

Before They Were Sex Icons

Have you ever watched a film, did a double take, and said, "OMG, I didn't know that person was in this movie." There nothing better than discovering a Hollywood sexual icon in a role they would rather forget. The following actors and actresses have moved onto to greener pastures, but they will never forget their role as the mad scientists, the stoner, the computer hacker, or the blood sucking night walker. The "V" list would like to remind you of roles that you may not remember and sometimes you would like to forget.

5. Angelina Jolie

Angelina's career is on fire, she is in a zillion magazines, and I think she's going to adopt the country of Kenya this summer. Before she became a media giant and mother earth, Angelina was seducing computer geeks in the 1995 film Hackers. In the film Angelina was rocking a "Bob" haircut and was emo long before it was even fashionable. I saw it last summer and it is laughable when you consider the technology in the film and how "advanced" it was only ten years ago. I marveled at how much was done over a dial-up modem. If you're jonesing for early Angelina there are a ton of other films I would recommend before watching Hackers, most notably Girl Interrupted, The Bone Collector, and Pushing Tin.

4. Jessica Alba

James Cameron's Dark Angel transformed Alba from quirky high school chick into Hollywood sex icon. Four years before Dark Angel, Jessica was the girl who had the dog food dumped on her in Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore. In an even more obscure role Alba played the female love interest in the movie Idle Hands. Since you probably missed that screen gem, so allow me to summarize it's complex plot. A couch potato's hand is possessed by Satan and he literally has to battle his demonic appendage for the duration of the movie. In my opinion, Evil Dead did it better. As with Hackers, don't feel compelled to go out and rent this movie to catch a glimpse of Alba, the hour and a half of mind numbing pain will not be worth the five minutes of screen time the director allocated to her.

3. Brad Pitt

It's rare when a character who delivers a total of four lines can steal the show. Brad Pitt's character, Floyd, in the movie True Romance was something to behold. Immediately after this film, Pitt embarked on what I like to call the Golden Age of his career. Interview, Legends of the Fall, and Seven all followed his unforgettable role as the man who took bong hits out of a plastic honey bear. While I strongly recommended you avoid Hackers and Idle Hands, True Romance will not disappoint. Romance has a star studded cast and an amazing final shootout scene that will put your surround sound to the test. My only recommendation is to turn the sound off during the wacky xylophone solos that made their way into the film's soundtrack.

2. Kirsten Dunst

Does anybody remember the little vampire girl from that movie? Yeah, that young girl was Oscar nominee Kirsten Dunst. I would point out that it wasn't a mercy nomination because she was really wonderful in the film. I have always felt that Kirsten Dunst never recovered from her early brilliance in Vampire. When it was rumored that Mary Jane died in Spider Man 3, I was seriously excited that it might mean Dunst would return to better roles. Early in her career, Dunst also starred alongside Robin Williams in Jumanji and was the little Bosnian refugee in the film Wag the Dog. Kirsten's career has seen its share of ups (Marie Antoinette, Eternal Sunshine, Elizabethtown) and downs (Bring it On, Crazy Beautiful, Wimbeldon) since playing Nosferatu alongside Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. It's shameful they had to burn her alive in the film, because I would love to see her reprise her role as an immortal.

1. Val Kilmer

I've always wanted to fill some body's house with popcorn kernels and then heat them with a giant laser beam from orbit. I would then evacuate to a safe distance and watch as the house was ripped apart by the biggest Jiffy Pop known to man. What would make this celebration complete? How about jamming out to the Tears for Fears song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"? While I would love to say this idea was an original thought, it came to me courtesy of the 1985 film Real Genius. In this film Val Kilmer plays Chris Knight, boy genius who invents the world's strongest laser as his final college science project. The laser is hijacked and turned into a weapon by the U.S. military, but before they can properly test their newfound firepower, Knight reprograms the coordinates to fire at his misguided professors house. The rest is cinematic bliss. While this movie sounds corny as hell, it is somewhat enjoyable if you can get past the fact that it is very dated. Channel 11 used to play this film all the time, but since the advent of the CW, it rarely shows on Sunday afternoons anymore. How about we start an online petition to get Real Genius more television airtime? "V" list project? I'm up for it.