Thursday, June 5, 2008

The List of Potent Pitchmen

On Day 1151 of his retreading of Groundhog Day, Phil Connors had just about had it. Not because Sonny and Cher serenaded him each and every morning. Not because he had to cover Punxatawney Phil's shadow discovery for the umpteenth time. Not because multiple suicide attempts were of no avail. It was because the first person he encountered everyday on Punxatawney's Main Avenue was Ned Ryerson, the grating insurance pitchman that suddenly met Phil's fist of fury after one sales pitch too many. Nowadays, when viewing audiences surf their TV lineup, there is not a commercial break that hasn't been infiltrated by a pitchman touting the next innovation in cooking, cleaning, or fitness. Without further ado, television's most potent pitchmen, invading your next episode of Cops.

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5. Giuseppe Franco
You know you've made it when Gary Busey is the hit celebrity on your clientele list. I introduce to you Mr. Franco, the man who 'wouldn't put his name on the line for something that didn't work.' Propecia users: your Independence Day has arrived. Throw out all of those silly ball caps and twice-daily regimens, because Procede is the last hair restorative product you'll ever need. As the pitchman behind Procede, a product he doesn't even use, Giuseppe Franco endorses a commodity that reduces 'the appearance of thinning hair.' Unlike Rogaine, Procede does not promote hair growth in dead follicles. Instead, it makes your scalp look renewed and thick, giving you newfound confidence to put the moves on that cute blonde you keep running into in the grocery section of the Stop and Shop. Giuseppe, you have given guys suffering from male-pattern baldness a new lease on life. All at the low low price of $360.00 for three months. Get the risk-free, 30-day trial now for a mere $19.95! (NOTE: Of all arbitrary figures to decide on, 19.95 was the one every made-for-television product agency went with; it's the prerequisite for anything sold on television....plus $4.95 shipping and handling).

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4. John Basedow
Between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 PM, sports fanatics looking for their daily Sportscenter fix shall endure the latest craze in physique shaping: John Basedow's Fitness Made Simple, a miniature infomercial that is guaranteed to force itself into every commercial break. Not even the 2004 tsunami could halt the awesome build of Basedow, who forced all fitness fanatics to toss their 30 Minute Ab tapes to the wayside. It would appear Fitness Made Simple worked wonders on Basedow's torso, but the tape's full body workout did nothing for his scrawny little chicken legs. If disproportionality is what you seek, Fitness Made Simple is the product for you. Additionally, once you're rocking those rock-hard abs, put a little product in to highlight your hair, 'cause if it works for Basedow, you know it can work for you!

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3. Tony Little
Of all ad pitchmen to warrant your attention, Tony Little will be the one to yell at you the most, rehashing the phrases,"You can do it!" and "Technique, technique!" for your listening pleasure. Peddling products like the dexterous Gazelle, Little will lure you with a ponytail that yuppies of yesteryear would envy. If the dazzling hair isn't enough, then Tony's unbridled enthusiasm is sure to capture your heart. Like a meth addict under the influence of one too many fixes, Little pops off the screen with an advertising persona that Body by Jake only wishes he could replicate. The self-proclaimed "America's Personal Trainer" has all that you need to shed those pounds and keep them off, one spasmodic gyration at a time.

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2. Billy Mays
What puts this ad pitchman ahead of the rest is the plethora of products Billy Mays has to offer. Oxi Clean. Orange Glo. Mighty Putty. The Ding King. The Samurai Shark. Despite the spread of guaranteed-to-work-or-your-money-back products, only one (if that) works to perfection. Instead of Just for Men beard darkening product, Billy Mays Oxi-Cleaned the hell out of his beard and looks damn good doing it. If you want that pesky indent out of your Chevy Impala, Ding King will more than likely do more damage than your ride originally started with. In addition, if pulling a tractor trailer with links of Mighty Putty is what you've got in mind, then sidle up to your man Billy Mays; he'll be sure to impart on you a load of crap you have no room for in your kitchen cabinet.

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1. Richard Simmons
Richard Simmons: the model by which all pitchmen must follow if they want long-standing impact on the hearts of 60-something consumers everywhere. Sweatin' to the Oldies, Volumes I through VII pulls their spandex trunks down and defecates on every Windsor Pilates instructional tape that Daisy Fuentes pawns off on the new-age, yoga-crazed fitness gurus of the 21st century. I mean, come on! Hold an uncomfortable pose for 10 minutes or get jiggy to a calisthenically invigorating version of Fats Domino's The Twist? And Jenny Craig? What does your program have that Simmons's Deal a Meal doesn't? Richard Simmons has more financial clout in his right pinky than all fellow pitchmen combined. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can pull off glitter-encrusted spandex the way Simmons can--so elegant and so sheek, with a permed-out 'fro to complement the entire get-up. In the words of one V-List contributor, Mr. Simmons is Jewlicious, bringin' back the oldies like no fitness celebrity can!


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