Saturday, June 28, 2008

Viva la Moustache!

Just as Timbaland aided Justin Timberlake in 'Bringin' Sexy Back,' Jason Giambi (as a recent PTI segment would suggest) is bringing the 'stache back with a vengeance. Ever since the Yankee slugger grew his flavor saver, he has enjoyed a torrid month of June, hitting .350 and putting the Bronx Bombers on the winning track. Steroids, you say? Nay! Giambino's upper lip scruff emanates a power-hitting aura akin to the likes of Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey, Jr., Thurman Munson, Wade Boggs, and Keith Hernandez, ballplayers with one thing in common: a prominent moustache. Although Giambi has resuscitated the trend, the art of constructing the perfect mustache has spanned the ages, from world leaders to celebrities and musicians of yesteryear. The V-List now presents "The Moustache Montage," a visual splendor to behold.

Our World Leaders

From the standpoint of Hitler and Stalin, the moustache signified evil attempts at global domination. But look at how happy Teddy is rocking his full-grown, white speckled rendition. Although cruel with his methods, how did a nation take a ruler like Hitler seriously with his ink-splotch 'stache?

The NBA is 'Stache-tastic!

Two Hall of Famers here have nicknames associated with their moustaches: Clyde and the Round Mound of Rebound. Adam Morrison, on the other hand, has little NBA career to speak of, but we know him by the pre-pubescent 'stache that continues to haunt Gonzaga fans to this day.

Moustache Donning = Literary Genius

William Shakespeare, he of the pencil-thin moustache, may have begun the literary trend of wearing facial hair, but the likes of Hemingway, Hughes, and Twain (marvel at his masterpiece!) have refined it through the 20th century and beyond. Bonus points for sporting moustaches of great variety here.

Great 'Staches in Baseball History

Jason Giambi is small-time when measured against these MLB moustache heroes. Sandwiched between two Oakland A's greats is the indignant Rafael Palmeiro, whose Viagra and steroid use are dwarfed by his illustrious mouth brow. The Oakland A's could field a squad of Hall of Famers for all the moustache card carriers they have amassed: Catfish Hunter, Reggie Jackson, Dave Stewart, Mark McGwire, and the man who will not be topped: the handlebar maestro Rollie Fingers. Bonus points to Eckersley who often combined his pushbroom with a full-blown mullet.

Real Men of Genius

The V-List presents: Real American Heroes. Today we salute you, Mr. Nose Neighbor Wearer. Whether you were attempting to fly with the birds, develop ground-breaking theory, or make people laugh without the sound of your voice, you made a mark on history by first making a mark above your upper lip. Yes, that dazzling moustache of yours goes beyond anything of substance you have contributed to society, for its the facial hair we remember (that, and the fact that your mastermind did in fact sack a proud nation). So open up an ice cold Bud Light oh scruffy patron of facial hair and continue to accentuate that cookie duster of yours with a black derby hat, a fly suit, or gravity-defying hair that makes Phil Specter seemingly uninventive.

Celebrity 'Staches

Landing iconic roles like Bandit Darville, Lando Calrissian, and Magnum P.I. was no problem with the suave presentation of moustaches to die for. You want thick? Selleck and Reynolds know how to bring it thick, alright.

WWF Super 'Stache Stardom

Facial hair in the WWF was as prominent as body slams and championship belts. Everywhere you looked in the 1980's, an opponent bringing you down to the mat more than likely did so via the power of the 'stache, brother. OH YEAAAAAH.

Small Screen 'Stache Wearing Studs

Borat on the small screen? Don't forget: Sasha Baren Cohen first caught our attention on Da Ali G Show on HBO, must like what Paul Teutul did on Orange County Choppers and Josh Holloway did on LOST. Kudos to Paul Sr. for his rockin' pair of mutton chops.

'Staches of the Musical Realm

For whatever reason, John Lennon refused to be privy to the moustache revolution, which says a lot about his individuality. Freddie Mercury and Carlos Santana, on the other hand, wore their respective 'staches like the rock gods they are. Officially pimp!

Comedic Genius

In order for one to join the fraternity of comedic genius, one must grow out the ol' mustacchio, as Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor, and George Carlin would attest. The late Pryor and Carlin were the models of comic consistency; at the heart of such balance is facial hair, facial hair, facial hair. Carlin allowed his to materialize into his trademark beard, while Pryor grew one that Ulysses S. Grant would be mighty proud of. Despite their pencil thin 'staches, Chappelle and Murphy brought it hard with rivetting stand-up routines that packed a potent punch. Moustaches and edgy comedy? Respect!
Miscellaneous Moustaches

These guys have that lip-ticklin' thing down to a tee!

'Staches Invading our Historical, Popular, Culinary, and Beer Drinking Culture

Penning lyrics to '80's classics like Maneater, concocting the perfect chip or beer creation, drinking milkshakes, treating 'diabetis,' and starting revolutions Che style all comes at the expense of letting that prickly lil' lip caterpillar grow. We salute you, masters of the moustache!


Marc V said...

Hilarious. John Lennon did take part in the moustache revolution, however he was an early adopter. Loved this post!

Michael said...

that must have taken hours to put together. wow. stachetastic.

Anonymous said...

limit this

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