Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Water Pollution: The Five Worst Ocean Based Movies

While we debate the potential dangers of offshore drilling, very few realize that the ocean has already been befouled numerous times by those Hollywood liberals whom often seek to "Save the Planet". The following oceanic films are so bad, they make Waterworld seem like a cinematic masterpiece. Only the Sci-Fi channel, notorious for resurrecting any piece of crap, will replay these pieces of garbage. Inspired by the beautiful beaches of Wildwood Crest, New Jersey, I present the films that make you want to move as far away from water as possible.

5. Ghost Ship

Gabriel Byrne held such esteem in my heart (for his role in Usual Suspects) until he made this garbage film. Also starring Julianna Margulies and Isiah Washington (formerly of Grey's Anatomy) as part of a salvage crew that happens upon a haunted ocean liner. If you combined a bastardized version of The Shining with The Love Boat, you would have the premise for this movie. While I couldn't possibly tell you in one paragraph just how awful this film is, please know my shame in having been one of the only people in this country to have seen this movie while in theaters. Like I said, I was a sucker for Gabriel Byrne. That son of a bitch!

4. Deep Rising

Much like Ghost Ship, Deep Rising centers around a group of modern day pirates who loot an ocean liner only to discover that somebody, or something, has already killed every single passenger aboard. Treat Williams (of the WB's Everwood) was never allowed to act in a major motion picture after completing his  performance as Finnegan, instead being doomed to portray cardiac surgeons on failing TV shows. The entire concept of this movie is such garbage, and can only be stomached with dangerous levels of anti-depressant drugs. In fact, the film is so bad that if you watch it in its entirety, you die within seven days. True story, it happened to my neighbor.

3. Leviathan

This film reminds me of Aliens, with two exceptions. Unlike Alien, which is set in deep space, the location for this film is miles under the ocean, cut off from all human contact on the surface of the water. Secondly, while the Alien is badass, the creature from Leviathan is a slug, which could have been killed if the first person it ate just stepped on the damn thing. I mean seriously, who gets waylaid by a slug? You must be a real tool to be set upon by a creature with no limbs or jumping ability. After being eaten (?) by the slug, the new beast continues to consume the crew one man at a time until somebody realizes they should kill it. If you really want to watch a great movie with a deep sea theme, rent James Cameron's Abyss with Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.

2. Orca
Jaws is good. Orca is bad. No matter how hard you try, you can never make me afraid of Shamu. I could write my own synopsis of how terrible this movie is, but instead I'll allow the tagline from the film to speak for itself. And I quote, "The killer whale is one of the most intelligent creatures in the universe. Incredibly, he is the only animal other than man who kills for revenge. He has one mate, and if she is harmed by man, he will hunt down that person with a relentless, terrible vengeance - across seas, across time, across all obstacles." Right.

1. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Take all four previous films, combine their offensive nature, and it still falls short of this movie. Some people will try and bait you into watching Shark Attack by saying that it's funny. Don't believe them. The fishing term catch and release appropriately describes what one should do when they come into possession of this movie. First of all, the shark is so huge it makes the fish from Jaws 3 seem like a guppy (and that damn thing destroyed Sea World). Secondly, the acting and writing could be some of the worst of all time. Finally, many of the "special" effects combine National Geographic footage with a guy in front of a blue screen. Think I'm joking, hit up YouTube for clips of this floating turd. Much like any floater, these titles deserved to be flushed.


Nick said...

Open Water is not only the worst ocean based movie, it is the worst movie EVER.

JamesBedell said...

Ghost Ship has one redeeming quality. The most creative killing of a group of people dancing ever seen on film.

I'm sure the film makers recognized this genius because they play it AGAIN midway through this horrendous film.

CZ said...

"Shark Attack 3" at least has the advantage of having one of the most hilariously bad pick-up lines in any movie ever made.

For those who haven't seen it, go Youtube it.