Not Even "Expert Mode" on Guitar Hero Could Stop These Guys

Their killer licks will melt your face off. Their inspired riffs and solos brought fans to the arena in droves. These were the performers Harmonix had in mind with the development of the Guitar Hero series. Only thing is, gamers nationwide can only aspire to be half as good as these legends of rock. Prepare yourself for the coverage of some killer axe grinders, brought to you in part by The V-List.

5. Eddie Van Halen

Before hip-hoppers Kriss Kross were prompting you to, “Jump, Jump,” David Lee Roth and his axe mate Eddie Van Halen got their fans to, “Go ahead and jump!” While Crystal Pepsi adopted “Right Now” for use in a television ad, a scene in the film Superbad was invigorated by the tune “Panama,” Olmedo Saenz’s introductory song when coming to the plate for the Los Angeles Dodgers. All of these songs were accentuated by the phenomenal guitar work of Mr. Van Halen himself, whose mastery of the axe was lost in a decade dominated by glam rock (Poison, Warrant, Motley Crue, and the like). While Van Halen were constantly changing lead singers, Eddie remained the band's mainstay, simply because his guitar work could not be denied.

4. Eric Clapton

The Yardbirds. Cream. Derek and the Dominoes. These bands succeeded largely because of Eric Clapton’s legendary stage performance. Working with blues phenom B.B. King on the album “Ridin’ with the King,” Clapton fused his influence with King’s to concoct a memorable collection of tracks. Just as Keith Richards has his “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” riff, Clapton has the ever-impressionable opening riff to “Layla,” a song Goodfellas used to encapsulate popular music from the 1970’s. Of all the guitarists presented on this list, Clapton is the one with the most staying power, having contributed stellar compositions for the past five decades. As Clapton proved, his songs rocked just as hard acoustically, as fans were dazzled by his renowned MTV Unplugged performance.

3. Jimmy Page

For every contribution the Beatles made in popular music, Led Zeppelin worked that much harder to shape the hard rock/alternative music scene of today. As part of the band that brought you John Bonham and Robert Plant, Jimmy Page revolutionized guitar playing through the iconic solo that crescendos throughout the epic closing sequence of “Stairway to Heaven” (how Guitar Hero has not incorporated this song into its catalogue is beyond me--it is a tune that encompasses everything good about Zeppelin’s edgy and unique sound). Robert Plant’s shrieking moans and wails on vocals was the perfect complement to Page’s otherworldly flair with the guitar, an instrument he once innovatively ‘strummed’ on-stage using a violin bow.

2. Stevie Ray Vaughan

Much like Page and Van Halen, Vaughan is far more celebrated for his guitar work than any contribution he may have made penning lyrics. PBS’s Austin City Limits was one of Vaughan’s most prominent forums, a live concert series he has dominated on several occasions. Along the same vein as Clapton, Vaughan was vaunted for his ability to fuse rock with blues guitar, perhaps redefining the genre better than Clapton had. Having captivated Jackson Browne and David Bowie with his raw ability, Vaughan was featured on Bowie's track "Let's Dance." During this time, Vaughan drove a delivery truck to make ends meet, in addition to leading his own band, Double Trouble. Nefariously, Vaughan was connected to Clapton, in that he shared the same doctor, Victor Bloom, during his rehabilitation from cocaine and whiskey abuse.


1. Jimi Hendrix

Just as Bob Dylan made history with his song “All Along the Watchtower,” Hendrix masterfully articulated the track into his own vibrant creation. Hendrix’s reworking of “Watchtower” is the standard by which all cover songs cannot possibly live up to. In combination with “Watchtower,” Hendrix contributed “Hey Joe,” “The Wind Cries Mary,” and “Purple Haze,” tracks that have withstood the test of time. Do not be fooled by Hendrix’s age: although he is the youngest on the list (tragically, he only lived to the age of 27), Jimi played the hell out of his guitar, capping off his Woodstock performance with a poignant version of the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Honorable Mentions
All hail the rock gods that did not make the top five: U2’s The Edge, Duane Allman of The Allman Brothers Band, Aerosmith’s Joe Perry, Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan, Chuck Berry, B.B. King, Joe Satriani, John Mayer (yes, that John Mayer), Trey Anastasio of Phish, the Grateful Dead's Jerry Garcia, and Carlos Santana.

Top Five Fantasy Apple Devices

June 9th, Apple will hold it's developers conference, often a place for Steve Jobs to talk about the latest and greatest Apple goodies. After it's resurgence, I was a leading-edge Apple follower and still am, while I have no inner ties to the company, I like to fantasize about the future Apple inventions...here are the Top Five.

#5. iMute

So your significant other just won't shut up. You're trying to read the paper, sleep, do your nails, whatever, and there they are...why did you spend so much on beer? Why's the kitchen a mess? Did I tell you what that stupid cow said to me at work today? Blah, blah, blah, well what if Apple invented a small digital music player that could cancel out your SO's blather with favorite playlist? Say hello to iMute.

#4. iWrap

Ladies and gentlemen, for the sake of safe sex, and the prevention unwanted pregnancy the v list recommends the use of an old friend, the condom. But we recognize the mechanics of using them sometimes get in the way of the fun. That's where Steve Jobs comes in (not literally, that's creepy). This latest version of the iPod dispenses, and straps on Trojan Man's first, last and only line of defense for you while you and your lady keep the windshield steamy. Don't ask how it works, just trust Apple, you know like you do with your entire music library.

#3. iDrink

Not what you think folks. Bosses, lovers, friends, family members all have a capacity to make us pissed. Ever get a little tanked and then head to the phone or the computer to send out that sloshed txt or email? Well iDrink software would detect the drunken gibberish and rather than actually deliver the message it will hold it in a special hang over account. There, under the bright light of a sobering sun, you can examine your messages before you send them out. iDrink, the ultimate social safety net.

#2. iSuck

Again, not what you think. We all do this- spend countless hours creating playlists in iTunes that are specifically designed to remove all of the embarrassing tunes from a shuffle so your friends and co-workers won't laugh at the cheese balls of your collection. Well Apple has taken the effort out of staying cool, but creating the iSuck playlist, this will scan your iTunes library for sucky tunes that you happen to love (see: Ricky Martin, ABBA, Barry Manilow, et. all), and sequester them to a special private only list. The kicker-at the sign of a second heartbeat in the room iSuck will automatically switch to your publicly approved tunes.

#1. iClone

It's about damn time. about 95% of most people's days are spent doing stuff they don't want to be doing. Apple has finally created the iClone. A software algorithm that can cut down on the nonsense you don't want to be present for...tasks include email correspondance, laundry, listening to your boss, watching Sex in the City, and paying the bills. iClone will learn your behaviors and replicate them, freeing you up for more time with your significant other and maybe even iWrap.

Same Differences!

Have you ever been in a debate/discussion over something that people tell you is practically the same regardless of branding? Even though these items are made from the same stuff, when you taste them, buy them, or use them you begin to notice that some are far superior than others. Here's a "V" list dedicated to those products which are not created equally, despite society's attempts to convince you otherwise.

5. Pepsi and Coke

This is an obvious choice for our number five spot. Believe me, there are still people on this earth who will say that there is no difference between the two brands. My reply, you do not drink enough cola. Much to my gastrointestinal tract's chagrin, I have become somewhat of a cola connoisseur. I can tell you that if given a taste test, I can pick Coke and Pepsi out 100% of the time. They are not the same, and if you even bring that ghetto drink RC Cola into the conversation then I will stab you in the jaw.

4. Designer Handbags (Courtesy of Ms. V)

My wife and the majority of women can tell you that not all handbags are the same. We guys might like to believe that they are all just bags meant to hold crap, this is not true. Dooney & Bourke, Coach, Prada, and Louis Vuitton are not even close to being similar. "They are vastly different," according to the author's wife. So gentlemen, when you see a closet full of purses, understand that each one serves a completely different purpose. Given the social event, season, or even one's mood, a purse and its design can greatly impact the outcome of an evening. The closest I can come to explaining this is when your girlfriend and/or wife tells you that all video games are the same. Not true.

3. Pasta
Self respecting Italians are feeling me on this one. Individuals outside of the Italian American cultural hearth cannot possibly understand that fusilli and ziti do not taste the same. Yes, you are correct in your assumption that they are both pasta, but when immersed in water and salt the end result is significantly different. Why do you think those wily Italians make so many varieties? I bet you thought it was just to give you fun shapes to play with in your dish. Don't believe me, visit Ilovepasta.org, they'll set the record straight.

2. Pens

When the majority of your profession centers around writing, you begin to develop an affinity for certain brands of pens. I prefer the Pilot G2 gel ink pen, which I have long considered to be "the Cadillac" of pens. I find people's personalities are reflected in the type of pen they prefer. Simple, easy going individuals prefer the Bic Ballpoint, while flashy individuals prefer the gel writing, top of the line, $8 for a three pack of pens. While there is no right or wrong choice in this department, one thing is certain, they are not all the same.

1. Water

Chemically it's two Hydrogen atoms and one Oxygen, but my pallet tells me that despite water's chemical equality, some brands of bottled water are not up to par. I became a firm believer in water's inequality when I bought a wonky batch of Aquafina and took the time to read the label. I found out more about water in my next shopping trip than I ever wanted to know. After that day I embarked on a journey to find an acceptable bottled water to suit my hydration needs. I personally settled on Dasani water after sampling nearly ten bottled waters from Fiji to Poland Spring. While all the aforementioned beverages quench your thirst, they remain uniquely different.

Did I miss anything? Hit us up with an email at thevlist10@yahoo.com

Ice Cream!

It's the first really hot day of the Spring/Summer season in the Northeast. Makes you crave...ice cream! Here's The V List of delicious shops where you can go get a killer cone or dish!

5. Carvel
Soft serve ice cream is what Carvel is all about - especially when you put it into cake form! Carvel ice cream cakes were and are the epitome of birthday party heaven. The cherubic master of this otherworldly delight: Fudgie The Whale. His whale song of chocolate deliciousness is simply beyond words.

4. Tasti D-Lite
Who says frozen treats have to be bad for you? Tasti D is the king of the frozen yogurt, and for good reason. And with different specialty flavors every day, there's always something new from the D.






3. Mister Softee
When you hear that music, it can only mean one thing...ice cream man! When in need, Mister Softee is always there on the corner to rescue you with a Spider-Man or Snoopy bar...a rocketpop...or a standard soft-serve cone. No jaunt through the city is complete without a friendly hello from the Softee.

2. Cold Stone
Ever wanted to create an ice cream flavor with coffee ice cream, chocolate chips, whip cream, gummy bears, Kit-Kats, Reese's and maraschino cherries? Well, now you can! Cold Stone is the ice cream shop that's taken the nation by storm be allowing people to create and flavor ice cream sundae, right before their eyes. And, as if that's not entertaining enough, the staff will sing for you while you wait! Now, that's service!

1. Dairy Queen
There is no dethroning ice cream royalty. Not as long as the DQ has The Blizzard in its arsenal of icy treats. No matter where you where, where you go, you can always rely on this frozen dame to bring the flavor.

Advantage: Tennis Endorsements!

With all the huge basketball, baseball and football endorsements, it's easy to forget how much frickin' money tennis stars get to become the face of a brand. Not to mention how incredibly great their ads are. Here are some of the cream of the crop.

5. Rafael Nadal for Kia
What happens when Rafael Nadal's impeccable biceps harness the power of Voltron to fight an alien? Check it out...



4. John McEnroe for American Express
If AMEX can resolve disputes, so can Johnny Mac.



3. Maria Sharapova for Nike
She feels pretty. Oh, so pretty. But her return is just plain nasty.



2.Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi for Nike
One of the greatest tennis rivalries of all time takes it to the streets.



1. Andre Agassi for Canon
He is the rebel. The master of the 90's mullet. Stop taking snapshots and start taking photgraphs. Image is everything.

Things You Learned in School That You Will Never Use Again...

With the end of another school year approaching the "V" List would like to take this time to congratulate all the teachers and students for their hard work. For those of you still sitting inside a classroom, I don't have to explain how hard it is given this time of year to stay focused on reading, writing, and 'rithmatic. For graduating seniors who will soon spread their wings and fly, here is a brief list dedicated to you. For thirteen years the American educational system has crammed tons of information inside of your heads, and while most of what you have gained throughout the course of your years of study might prove useful in the "real world", here is a list of things we can say you will rarely use (if ever). The "V" List presents crap you learned in high school that you will never use again:

5. The Quadratic Formula

Most of use can recite the quadratic formula without use of a cheat sheet. For those far removed from school is goes something like this : x equals minus b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac over 2a. I cannot tell you how many times I plugged numbers into that damn equation and was told how important it would be in my life. I guess if you sit around crunching numbers all day, this might prove useful, but I can say without a doubt that my checkbook and bank account can remain balanced without ever having to use this damn formula. I hope to say at some point in my natural life I will forget these meaningless numbers and variables, but they are forever etched in my brain for no apparent reason. Thank you Algebra for ruining my life!

4. Random introductory foreign language dialogues:

Let me say that foreign languages are indeed very useful, especially if you are a world traveler, or live in an area of this country that is bilingual. There are some components of foreign language that we were told to memorize, however, that will be of very little value in the real world. For example, why do I have to memorize in French the fact that I am studying for a math test, which I will take in five minutes? Or, that Juan is in the library? Perhaps the best parody of this useless information can be found in the movie Bedazzled whereby the main character speaks Spanish fluently and repeats the rote dialogues he learned in school. It's so funny because the dialogues are so useless. You can survive with these three phrases: Where is the bathroom? Where is the bus station? Where is the nearest restaurant? Aside from that: I don't need any other basic dialogue options burned into my brain Senora.

3. Learning the Presidents in chronological order

Aside from competing on Jeopardy this is the most useless piece of knowledge ever given to elementary students. Why in the hell do you need to know who the seventeenth president of the United States was? The answer is that you DO NOT. Unless you are stuck in a MacGuyver like deathtrap which will unlock only if you press the correct presidents in sequential order, then this piece of knowledge will do nothing for you in the workplace.

2. The Periodic Table

No subject is going untouched in this list, and science teachers all over the United States cram this garbage into everybody's head. Once again, if you are in this field of study, I'm sure that you require a knowledge of electrons, protons, and mass of each atom, however for the majority of us living in the real world, it is utterly pointless. When was the last time you went to the supermarket and said, I would buy this food, but I'm worried about the molecules that go into it's composition. How many oxygen atoms does this contain again? Shenanigans!

1. MLA / APA Citations

If you're a college students you may disagree with me, but beyond college, chances are you will never have to cite your crap ever again. For those interested, the "V" list used for this article the following source: Valentine, Marc C. Online interview. 26 May 2008. Outside of academia, parenthetical citations have no use. The works cited page is one of the most tedious and useless exercises in the history of American education. It's so terrible I would like to thank Jesus for amazing websites like www.easybib.com, which take the pain out of this activity for every student in America. I wish that I had a site like this when I was doing my Turabian style footnotes for my senior seminar paper in college. Turabian is even worse than APA/MLA by the way. It's something that history professors use so they can speak in code to each other. Next year when I file my taxes I might create a works cited page for my accountant just so I feel like I got some use out of that good ol' high school diploma again.

Congrats Seniors, I feel your pain. Good luck in college! If there was anything that belongs on the list, shout back at us in a comment.

Top 5 Reasons Why Weezer Rocks

You and I both know it: Weezer has provided the soundtrack to many poignant moments in your life, especially the 'all-defining' chronicles of your high school years. Upon discovering their songs' incorporation into the Rock Band catalogue, it brought you tremendous joy. Their deliciously infectious tunes are a perfect complement to a Jersey shore trip, windows rolled down, the summer vibes enhanced by outlandish lyrics and three-chord goodness. Cue up any Weezer album and you'll find yourself happily singing along to the lyrical stylings of Rivers Cuomo and Company. Of all forms of alternative rock to rise from the 90's, Weezer provided the most feel-good vibe of them all. Without further ado, five prime reasons why Weezer rocks:

5. The 'Say It Ain't So' Video, the Anthem to Incite High School Nostalgia



4. The 'Beverly Hills' Video, starring Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Mansion



3. The 'Keep Fishin'' Video, starring the cast of The Muppets



2. The 'Pork and Beans' Video, starring Viral YouTube Fads



1. The 'Buddy Holly' Video, starring the cast of Happy Days

Big Pimpin'

They're bad guys. Really bad guys. But somehow they've been put on a pedestal higher than the hooker with a heart of gold. I'm talkin' about the P.I.M.P.s, yo. Here are our favorite hustlers of known for big pimipin' on the big and smalls screens.

5. DJay - Hustle & Flow
He didn't just tell us "it's hard out there for a pimp..." he rapped it. DJay is the ultimate good-hearted pimp. Er...sorta. In any case, he and his rag-tag crew in Hustle and Flow made us root for the underdog - even if the underdog is workin' the corner to pay the rent.









4. Guido - Risky Business
The pimp that launched the man that jumped the couch. Joey Pants turns in a twisted an comedic turn as Guido "The Killer Pimp" in Tom Cruise's first superstar movie. He also proves that Joe Pesci doesn't own the market for small, evil and incredibly entertaining little Italians.



3. Sport Matthew - Taxi Driver
Harvey Keitel has biceps like you wouldn't believe and pimps out Jodie Foster in killer fashion in this Scorcese classic. Sure, this is Deniro's tour de force, but you can't help but acknowledge the pimpness of Keitel...nor contain your laughter at the hair, the hat and the guns.



2. Drexl Spivey - True Romance
There is nothing Gary Oldman can't do - including play a white gangsta pimp who thinks he's a black Jamaican in this Tarantino-scripted classic. One of the strangest characters of the 90s, Drexl is the dirtiest of the pimps on this list...but he's also the one I'd be most afraid of. Creep-y. Creepy.







1. Cosmo Kramer - Seinfeld
Was he really slingin' Elaine on the side? No. But Cosmo Kramer in full pimp guard is about the most memorable pimp I can recall. So out of place. So crazy. So hilarious and entertaining. If only the actor who portrayed him wasn't such a nutbag. To see Kramer in full pimp-out glory, check out this video.