Back From Europe: McDonald's Vlog

As a spin off from our first trip to Paris when we sought out the illustrious Royal with Cheese, we made a similar journey in Milan. Consider this the survival of the fittest, fast food style. Here's our VLOG on location in Northern Italy:

V List Original VLOG: Vader's Finest Moments

OUR FIRST VLOG! "GEEK CHIC: TOP 5 NERDS!"

What Grinds My Gears: The Wal-Mart Shopping 'Experience'

You want to know what really grinds my gears?  The Wal-Mart shopping experience, a pastime of blood-boiling proportions that's bound to rankle more than it does to satisfy one's attempt at an in-and-out shopping excursion (you try spending less than $50 bucks at Wally World the next time you shop.  I dare you!).  For as much as we like to avoid the wretched place, it's rife with goods and products we need at wholesale prices, but venturing the aisles of this corporate swinehouse leads us to believe it's rife with something else:  cluttered walkways, a Where's Waldo-esque search for associate help, encounters with nasty customers, and oodles of frustration worthy of a five-point rant that analyzes what makes shopping at Wal-Mart so damn exasperating.        

5. The Purchase of Powdered Baby Formula
Gerber products.  Apple juice.  Clothing, sizes 18 to 24 months.  Wipes.  Diapers.  Lotion. Wait...where's the Similac?  Ought to be around here somewhere...let me look.  It's right near the...cigarettes?!?!  That's right, folks:  if you're looking to purchase baby formula, you'll have to first inquire at the longest checkout line near the exits---the tobacco product queue.  And if, perchance, you happen to find a Wal-Mart that features Enfamil where it belongs, with the other baby products, you'll see that it's under closer watch than Jared Fogle at a chili bake-off.  It's no wonder more and more women are nursing long past the time those baby molars come in.  

4. The Clientele

As a former Wal-Mart employee (in my high school years), I, like many before me, have fallen victim to the old Sam Walton belief that "the customer is always right."  You wouldn't believe the amount of people that abuse said policy.  I once dealt with a murderous consumer that flung an Offspring CD at me because its lyrical content was too risque for his daughter's ears.  Or the old man who saw our sale on cat food in our flier and demanded he purchase cases of it at a time despite there being a 10-item per customer limit (I'm convinced old people claim they have cats as guise toward eating the liver and salmon Friskies variety themselves).  Then, there's the in-over-her-head mother who insists on grocery shopping with 7 kids in tow.  The 78 year old man who's convinced they still sell VCR cassettes in the Electronics Department.  The disgruntled yokel purchasing a fishing license, getting a key made, and walking away infuriated with neither when he discovers his local Wal-Mart no longer sells guns.  The droves of kids "staying after school" to play Guitar Hero.  The "do you need to get by" -minded customers who guard the card display and magazine case with utter disregard for your desire to browse the selection.  This is the Wal-Mart clientele:  human behavior at its "finest."            

3. Carts, Carts, Everywhere!

My first job at Wal-Mart was that of a "stocker."  No, I didn't stock the shelves (as the job title would suggest):  I pushed carts.  You know that phrase that applies to postal workers, "...neither sleet, nor rain, nor snow...?"  That very mantra applies to the cart pushers at Wal-Mart.  We pushed carts in every condition imaginable (especially in the sweltering heat).  Of all the jobs the corporation could thrust upon its employees, this is by far the most back-breaking position available, seeing as there are more customers coming in than carts coming out.  From the stocker's perspective, there's not a damn person that puts his or her cart away.  From the customer's perspective, there's not a damn person willing to get his or her cart away from other cars in the lot, just as there are those damn cart pushers that couldn't care less to remove their 50-cart line away from your backing the car up.  It's a mad, mad, mad world and there are too many carts out there to clutter it.         

2. Attempting to Access the Game Case

You can long for that copy of Gears of War all you want.  Stare at it; fawn over it.  Make your intentions known that you want that game in your possession.  'Cause not an associate out there cares to get that copy for you, unless you reluctantly ask yourself.  The sad thing is, there are likely 5 or 6 associates apportioned in the Electronics Department to "help out" customers.  And only one is keeper of the keys.  And that guy is likely out to lunch.  Seriously, is there a privilege to having those keys?  Is it a matter of rank?  Seniority?  Do employees row sham bow for them prior to each shift?  Or do they battle it out in the Thunderdome, "two men enter, only one man leaves" style for the right to carry them?  It's a wonder anything in that game case gets sold in a timely fashion.          

1. The Self Check-Out Innovation

In theory, the self-check out was developed to diminish the lines and push customers out of the store more quickly.  In theory.  When you need the self check-out most, say, at 9 PM, when the store isn't so busy, the option is not available to you, as each self check-out lane is closed.  Makes logical sense.  

Look at the typical exchange a customer at the self-check out endures:  customer scans a bottle of Dr. Pepper; *Please place the item in the bagging area*; customer does what's asked of him; *Unexpected item in bagging area*; befuddled, customer removes the item from the bagging station; *Please place the item in the bagging area*; irritated, customer repeats the request; customer scans a 96-ounce bottle of Tide (clearly, too bulky for the bagging area); customer hits the key "Item Not Bagged;"  note:  if customer does this more than three times, the associate has to enter a code to allow him to continue checking out; customer scans a DVD of the R-rated Pineapple Express; customer is prompted on the screen, "Are you 17 years or older?" ; only thing is, he can't answer this question...the associate, giving him the up-and-down, has to enter a code in order to do that for him, too; customer scans a package of Krazy Glue; customer is prompted on the screen, "Are you 16 years or older?" ; associate must come over to approve his age by entering a code...again; customer thinks to himself, "I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue;" customer, finished with his scanning, clicks "Finish to Pay;" in a bellowing voice (because that's what the woman through the computer has been doing with each request) asks, "Do you have any coupons?" ; customer clicks "No;" the booming voice asks, "Please check your cart for unscanned items;" customer touches screen to advance; *Please touch screen for payment options* ; customer, suddenly realizing his wallet is in his car, wishes to pay by check; associate must come over again to approve the purchase; customer, feeling the sensation of darting glares in the back of his neck from a line of other customers behind him, takes receipt and bagged items and leaves, realizing it would have made more sense to have his items checked out by a flesh-and-blood employee rather than a flawed machine that can barely function without the aid of an associate; customer heads for the exit, just as the security alarm lights up and beckons his presence; door greeter is either too old or too lazy to even care; customer realizes he could have walked off with far more valuables...maybe next time.            

That, in a nutshell, made me realize that I need to pick up toiletries before my Outer Banks trip on Saturday.  Where else to go but Wal-Mart?  Wish me luck...

Fred Savage: Beyond the Wonder Years

You can have your Michael J. Fox, your Neil Patrick Harris, and your Mark Paul Gosselaar:  this post is dedicated to one of the more underrated early 90's stars of his time.  Ladies and gentleman, I present to you Mr. Fred Savage.  He might not have been a baller with retractable claws, a teenage doctoral prodigy, or the most popular kid at Bayside High, but Fred Savage, who ably played the role of a young adolescent that warmed our hearts (Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years), had a rather solid film career.  Presented to you here are five iconic Fred Savage roles that will thrust you down Nostalgia Lane. 

5. The Princess Bride

While minor, Savage's role as "The Grandson" (I kid you not: it's listed that way on imdb.com) is the backdrop of a timeless classic that featured the likes of Andre the Giant as Fezzik ("I am the brute squad!") and Billy Crystal as Miracle Max ("Have fun storming the castle!").  "The Grandfather" (played by Peter Falk) reads a bedtime story to his grandson, who is sick in bed and, at first, is none too grateful to hear some silly fairy tale.  But, like many of us, Savage is soon taken by an inviting story that is high on wit and romance, a narrative filled with countless quotable lines that still stands up some 22 years after its release.  

4. Little Monsters

As one of two leading roles from the list, Little Monsters is driven by the fear many of us had growing up:  monsters lurking beneath the bed.  Savage's character, Brian Stevenson, interacts with Maurice (played by Howie Mandel), a horned "beast" who grants Brian access to his world and allows him to tag along on some of his nocturnal activities (namely, scaring the snot out of punk kids that deserve their nightly torture).  As Maurice shows him the ropes of bed-snatching, Brian shows him how to be a good-natured monster (as in, avoiding the incessant need to frighten unsuspecting infants and not raiding people's refrigerators).  The film features some otherwise overlooked cameos (Ben Savage, Fred's real-life sibling, plays Brian's little brother Eric and Daniel Stern, the voice of an older Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years, plays Brian's father Glen).  While not highly regarded on imdb.com (it garnered a measly 5.3 rating out of 10), Little Monsters stands up as a fun kids' film that teaches a lesson and is worth a second glance in the rare instance it's featured on HBO.         

3. Austin Powers in Goldmember

It is through Savage's character The Mole that Mini-Me is able to infiltrate Austin Powers's spy agency and act as a do-gooder aiming to thwart Dr. Evil, who no longer has a place in his heart for his adoring clone.  Because of The Mole, audiences who raved over Goldmember's hilarity were given some cracks that centered largely around a facial imperfection that would make Enrique Iglesias jealous.  At the mere sight of his mole, Austin Powers remains aghast at the sheer size of it, doing whatever he can to avoid glimpsing at the mole or poking fun at it (luckily, to our pleasure, his attempts were highly unsuccessful).  Let the play on words commence.  Ah-moley, mole!   

2. The Rules of Attraction

In a film driven by an ensemble of late '90's stars (some of whom were WB whores, including James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek, Jessica Biel from 7th Heaven, Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie, Kate Bosworth from Blue Crush, and Ian Somerhalder from LOST and Life as a House), Fred Savage had a memorable cameo appearance in a dark, college-age cult classic from the bizarre mind of novelist Bret Easton Ellis (author and screenplay writer of American Psycho).  Savage played "A Junkie Named Marc," Sean Bateman's (Van Der Beek) drug dealer who owes him money.  Quite frankly, I don't think words do justice to the three-minutes of hilarious (albeit, disturbing) movie magic that Savage provided; essentially, you see Fred's scene and say to yourself, "Oh my God, is that...FRED SAVAGE?!?!" 

Take a gander:       

1. The Wizard

HBO Family has been playing this film non-stop, and we are all the better for it.  Christian Slater as the "too cool to care" older sibling.  The illustrious Beau Bridges as the clueless single father.  Luke Edwards as the autistic gaming "wizard" (hence, the film's title).  Jimmy Woods (The Wizard) toting his NES Power Glove in a steel toolbox.  Our first taste of Super Mario Brothers 3 (to our chagrin, it was some time--several months away, in fact--from being released in stores).  Simply put, The Wizard was a sight to behold for the young gaming community of the 1980's.  Corey Woods (Savage) could no longer stand his father's neglect, so he takes it upon himself to run away with Jimmy and enter him in a video game tournament called Armageddon (in which "The Wizard" faces off against Lucas, who has a crony that follows him around in the form of Tobey Maguire, listed in the credits as "Lucas's goon at Video Armageddon").  What ensues is a bond between siblings made stronger by an affinity for video games...and the end of a run of some magical late '80's family flicks from Savage, who now directs (Greek, Ugly Betty, and My Boys) and produces (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) some quality television programs.

Kobe Bryant, An All-Time Great?

Listen. It's not often a player comes along and wins 4 NBA titles. Amasses 2 scoring titles (4, if you're counting points scored, not averages). Wins the triumvirate of MVP's (All-Star, regular season, and NBA Finals). Gets named to 7 All-NBA first teams, 7 All-Defensive first teams. Averages 30 points per game in a season (Kobe did it thrice, with as much as 35 per in 2006). Scores 81 points in one game. Starts in an All-Star Game by age 19. Earns a $70 million contract by age 20. Wins 3 titles (all in a three-peat) by age 23. What's been described to you is Kobe Bryant's sterling resume. He has likely garnered top-10 all-time status with his most recent NBA title. Quite frankly, though, it's difficult to WANT to put him in that class.

5. His desire to not make players around him better pushed Phil Jackson out of town.

Jackson strung together three-peats on THREE separate occasions ('91 to '93, '96 to '98, '00 to '02), but in order to win his 10th title (the most in NBA history), he had to stomach an LA tenure with Kobe running the show. This, after he had already left the Lakers in 2004 finding little to no reason to continue his celebrated coaching stint with Kobe thinking he could do it all. Coincidentally or not, Jackson made Jordan a better team player, but could never quite pull it off with Kobe. Case in point: in Game 2 of this year's Finals, Kobe went one-on-four against the Magic for the game winning shot, had the ball stripped by Hedu Turkoglu, and watched as a Courtney Lee alley-oop fell short of tying the series up at one game a piece. Great champions don't put their teams in position to lose like that. And that's the difference between Jordan and Kobe: MJ would have deferred to one of his four open teammates in that situation; after all, how many game-winning shots did Steve Kerr and John Paxson have throughout Jordan's title runs? Lest we forget that, in Jordan's return from his first retirement (when he dropped 55 points on the Knicks at the Garden), he passed the ball to Bill Wennington for the game-winning bucket. At age 30 (and not getting any younger), Kobe has yet to learn that lesson.

4. His selfishness drove Shaq out of town.

Watch that video several times and ask yourself: how many MORE times could a hook-up like that have happened to will the Lakers to another title? Two more times? Three more times? Listen, if the Knicks can go over the salary cap with the garbage roster they put together, the Lakers could bite the bullet and sign Kobe and Shaq to maximum contracts and fill out the roster with role players. When the Lakers won their third title in as many years, Kobe was 23. Shaq was 29. It's not often you have a duo playing together in their primes like Kobe and Shaq had. They could have been Magic/Kareem 2.0. But their egos (moreso Kobe's) got the best of their relationship. After their last title in '02, the pairing would play two more seasons together, with zero titles to show for it. Why? Because Kobe wanted the Lakers to be his team, just as much as Shaq wanted the same. If Kobe had deferred to Shaq, arguably one of the most dominant forces in NBA history, perhaps Kobe is fitting his finger for a sixth ring rather than a fourth on Sunday night. But Kobe wanted to lead a different legacy. He wanted to be The Man in LA. He wanted the scoring titles, the MVP's, and the titles without having to spread the offense and share the ball. Hell, even Jordan had his Pippen. In fact, there's a sure-fire formula that works in the NBA: put two superstars together, surround them with serviceable role players, and ride them to a championship. It worked for the Showtime Lakers (Magic and Kareem). It worked for the 1980's Celtics (Bird and McHale). It worked for the Bad Boy Pistons (Thomas and Dumars). It worked for Pat Riley's Heat (Shaq and Wade). Not following this formula is why Lebron couldn't win a title in 2007 and a prime reason why Kobe could never do it by himself either (honestly, he doesn't win this most recent championship without having pilfered Pau Gasol from Memphis or having watched Trevor Ariza ascend at the rate he did). Think about this: Kobe didn't become unselfish and lead the Lakers to the title this year. They were a product of changed circumstances. Why couldn't they win last year? KG (absent to defend a title this year due to a knee injury) aligned Boston to play team defense. But why did they win it this year? The Spurs are aging (and without an injured Manu), the Rockets saw two superstars go down (McGrady and Yao), KG had a balky knee, and another piece was never delivered to help Lebron. Did the Lakers deserve to win? Of course they did...but only because they were the best team left and the likes of Gasol, Ariza, Odom, Bynum, and Fisher sacrificed minutes, shots, and roles in order to appease Kobe. Would you ever see Bryant do that for his squadmates? Not in a million years.

3. Even his most recent accolades doesn't bring him closer to Jordan (or Magic, for that matter).

Prior to winning his fourth title, Kobe was barely mentioned amongst all-time Laker greats. In fact, most NBA fans and experts would suggest that Elgin Baylor (who never won a title) and Jerry West (who only won once) contributed more to the overall NBA landscape than Kobe had. And yet, people find reason to compare Kobe to Jordan. ESPN "expert" Jon Barry quipped, "Kobe is the closest thing to Jordan we're ever going to see." Yes, he said ever in summing up Kobe's latest championship run. Bluntly speaking, nobody carries himself with the passion, aura, charisma, and dedication Jordan has. Sure, Kobe lives and breathes the game and works harder than any athlete out there, but is he a good teammate? Is he a good ambassador for the game? Is he the type of player to say, "I won my fourth title!" or "We won our fourth title!" I'm thinking the former. And that sets him apart from Magic (whom Coach Pat Riley said "is the epitome of greatness" in his book The Winner Within) and Jordan (who still commands a Beatles-like following wherever he goes). And not in a good way.

2. The NBA prefers Lebron to Kobe.

The 2009 NBA Finals was supposed to be the Kobe/Lebron match-up, the series that would put an end to the "greatest current player in the NBA" debate. The Nike and Life Water promotional agencies wanted it that way, and so did NBA commissioner David Stern. Only Dwight Howard was a huge obstacle standing in Lebron's way (not to mention the fact that Mo Williams is not the supplementary piece to take Lebron to the promised land). When Kobe won his MVP in 2008, he held a press conference (to which about 20 members of the press showed up...his teammates, on the other hand, did not). When Lebron won this year's MVP, he too held a press conference, but his teammates (who stuck up for him when he stormed off court after losing the Magic series) were there in full force; quite fitting, when you consider that Lebron bought each of his teammates an expensive gift as a token of his gratitude. These are the same teammates that carry on with Lebron (albeit, rather sophomorically) on the sidelines when they win. Do you see that same kind of stuff with Kobe? Hardly. He needed a Spike Lee documentary (Kobe Doin' Work) to show how "great" of a teammate and leader he was. Only we weren't buying it. When and if Lebron wins his first title, all of this talk about Kobe's greatness will fizzle. Because that's what the league wants you to believe. Can you blame them?

1. He is the most polarizing superstar of his era (perhaps moreso than Barry Bonds).

As a Kobe fan, the 2004-05 season must have been painful to watch. Excruciatingly painful. Here was Jordan's heir apparent gallivanting with another woman in a Colorado hotel room. And this wasn't just Kobe being unfaithful with his beautiful wife. This was Kobe allegedly assaulting a woman sexually (whispers of rape surrounded his case). He had to play in LA one night, fly to Colorado for the arraignment or indictment the next. This was Kobe having to buy his wife a million dollar ring to make it all better. But it didn't (and, in this sports fan's eyes, it hasn't). Kobe, despite his modest upbringing, sophistication, business-like appeal, and ability to speak several languages, will always be the alleged rapist that was the brunt of jokes in a Dave Chappelle skit. Sure, Barry Bonds cheated the fans of a genuine home run champ by dabbling in performance-enhancing drug abuse. He is a jerk to the media. He likely lied to cover up his steroid use. But he never cheated on his wife. Was never known to have spoken a cuss word. He is a family man first (his kids followed him every step of the way no matter how controversial his father had become). Unfortunately, Kobe is the Omega Man, a man alone in his thoughts and convictions, no stranger to isolation. And he'd like to keep it that way, it seems.

Its Wiitarded!

For anyone who follows the E3 gaming conference, they will tell you that Project Natal (Microsoft) and PS3 are trying desperately to cash in on the "motion capture" controller scheme being used by the Wii. Instead of using a joystick or gamepad, this new technology uses your body as the controller. Now you can flail around the living room as Godzilla, or skateboard just like Tony Hawk. If Rock Band and Guitar Hero helped us channel our inner rock star, then its a no-brainer that innovative control schemes are the way of the future. After all, its this simple control scheme that has moms, dads, and senior citizens breaking into the gaming community. While Microsoft and Playstation are sure to follow suit, I'm less optimistic about the Wii. Call me old school, but I'm a fan of using a joystick or controller, rather than making lewd hand gestures repeatedly to play a game. While this is my biggest aversion to the "revolutionary" system, I could name more, five more to be exact. But before I spew venom, here's a word from my sponsor, the "Wii Boys" of SNL. Very funny!

5. Where are the games?

Aside from the major titles like Zelda, Metroid, and Mario where are the new original intellectual properties? The Wii is basically geared towards a plethora of mini-games packaged together for 49.99. Within a few weeks, why isn't it surprising that almost all of these titles end up on the bargain bin rack at Wal-Mart. I would say that 95% of the titles for this system are pure garbage. Many of them can't even garner a rating over 6 in Game Informer magazine, and that's difficult since the give almost every game an automatic 7 of 10. While Nintendo is moving tons of hardware for the system, a breakdown of software sales reveals a darker side to the system.

4. If I wanted to play Tennis, Baseball, Golf, I would just play THEM!

Again, call me old fashioned, but aside from a rainy day, what self-respecting athlete would prefer to stand in their living room?  Dude, get out of your house, get some fresh air and get some real exercise. Which brings me to my next point...

3. The Wii is NOT a fitness substitute!

As much as it tries to be, you are NOT burning serious calories by running in place on a "fake" track. I think its a nice strategy to get people to be active, but this is in no way a substitute for a gym membership. If you are really concerned about your health and well being, go on a diet and hit the gym. Buying Wii Fit will not cut it, and judging from the size of your Mii, it looks like you could need a little more physical activity.

2. It's technologically worse than the system that came before it!

For all its flaws, the GameCube had more impressive graphics than this piece of garbage. Perhaps if they could combine jaw dropping graphics with a tight motion control scheme, I would be more of a fan. Honestly, most of the games look like they were created by the Disney Channel, or worse Nickelodeon. Why do all the damn games look like an episode of the Telletubies! Let's hope that the next generation console from Nintendo is a bit beefier for hardcore gamers.

1. LCD Televisions are paying the price!

Remember when you were little and you wanted to play ball in the house? What did you parents say to you? Go outside so you don't break something! Sure the Wii uses simulated motions, but when every single game comes with a disclaimer so you don't break shit, this could be a problem. Here is a website devoted to several household items which became casualties of the Wii.

Summer Concert Series Follow-Up

What summer concert review would be complete without featuring what these bands are capable of live? Listed below is each band live that was featured in the Summer Tour review. Enjoy!

O.A.R. - Hey Girl, Live at PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ (7.22.05).



Earth, Wind, and Fire with Chicago - September, Live at the Greek Theater in LA (2004)

Rascal Flatts - Too Good to Be True, Live at Daytona Beach



U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday, Live at Slane Castle in Dublin, Ireland (Sept. 2001)



Dave Matthews Band - Two Step, Live at Woodstock (7.24.99)

Summer Concert Series: Five Bands to See

With summer here, there are a slew of activities to enjoy, including trips to the shore, barbeque's, block parties, fireworks displays, ballgames, and outdoor concerts. Here is a small list of bands worth checking out this summer.

5. Of a Revolution (O.A.R.)

One of the better bands to emerge from college radio, Of a Revolution promises energy and slamming tunes with each set. Perhaps best known for their original hit, "That Was a Crazy Game of Poker," O.A.R. has established themselves commercially, with newfound hits in "Shattered" and "This Town," the latter of which has become the name for their current '09 summer tour. This go-around, O.A.R. headlines with Matt Nathanson (check out "Car Crash" and "Come on Get Higher" from this San Fran-based troubadour).

Visit http://www.ofarevolution.com/ for more information, including a local stopover at Bethel Woods, just down the road from Woodstock.

4. Earth, Wind, & Fire with Chicago

These two behemoths, like Elton John and Billy Joel before them, have made it a point in recent memory to join forces for a summer tour that is big on radio-chart toppers and nostalgia. These ultra-talented forces promise two jam-packed shows, complete with several songs in which both will be playing together for a display and range of talent that, even 30 years after their peak on the musical scene, delivers some hard-hitting, jazz and soul stylings. Earth, Wind, and Fire has channeled the Beatles for a track or two ("Gotta Get You Into My Life"), but has "brought the fire" with some other memorable tracks, including "Shining Star," "That's the Way of the World," and "Mighty Mighty" that translates relatively well to the live setting. Chicago, despite lineup changes that have affected their sound over the years, has delivered some stupendous hits in the form of "Saturday in the Park," "Make Me Smile," and "Colour the World," not to mention later hits in the Peter Cetera-laden tracks "You're the Inspiration" and "Glory of Love," that latter of Karate Kid II fame.

Visit http://www.earthwindandfire.com/tourdates.html for more tour related information, including a nearby stop at Bethel Woods in upstate New York.

3. Rascal Flatts

They are one of the few country-rock acts to produce mainstream hits that display their collective talents of a band at its apex, one whose live show is truly a spectacle to marvel over. Gary LeVox has, arguably, one of the best voices in the music business, a set of vocals that is not compromised on-stage whatsoever. Behind LeVox are the talented Jay DeMarcus and Joe Don Rooney, both of whom convinced Gary to join their musical pursuits in a chance meeting at Printer's Alley in Nashville, TN in 1999. The band will feature material from their latest effort, Unstoppable, with former Hootie and the Blowfish lead man Darius Rucker providing support as an opening act.

Visit http://www.rascalflatts.com/?content=tour for shows near you, including a stop at the Toyota Pavilion at Montage Mountain in Scranton, PA.

2. U2

Mind you, you'd have to be in Europe to savor the majority of their summer tour, but the European Union's fanbase is as rabid as they are stateside, promising some shows that allow the band to build off the energy that pulsates from the crowd night in and night out. Throughout the 360 Tour, U2 will be showcasing material from their latest album No Line on the Horizon, which Rolling Stone magazine touted as a classic on the level with Achtung Baby. Most recently, the band headlined several shows to support President Barack Obama's campaign, candidacy, and inauguration, even going so far as to feature tracks from Horizon on a five-night run on the David Letterman Show in April. You would think that the non-stop touring and global advocacy would tire the likes of Bono and the Edge out, but their efforts have been channeled into delivering diverse sets that promise a near-religious experience for fans that come out in droves to witness their high-energy shows. Visit http://www.u2.com/tour/index/ for more tour information; they'll be stateside for good come September.

1. Dave Matthews Band

In having seen the band 8 times in concert, I can say, without question, that the Dave Matthews Band offers something unique through every single show they concoct, with setlists that portray a vast catalogue that exudes the good feelings of the summer season. The band boasts variety, various interpretations of their studio material, and jams that will leave you gaping in awe of the talents the band projects. In support of Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King, DMB will be putting on their first full tour without founding member Leroi Moore, the band's one-time sax player. With each show serving as a tribute to Moore, this summer proves to be even more magical than previous years.

Visit http://www.davematthewsband.com/#/tour for local stops that include Montage Mountain in Scranton, PA and Bethel Woods in NY.

V-List Crossover: Promenade Party

As part of our crossover series, we ask that you check out some serious vloggage (vlogs will soon be a part of the V-List too, hopefully) on youtube.  Head on over to Promenade Party, featuring some of our favorite collections of random vlogs, courtesy of V-List followers Dan Balton and Jake Williams.  

Visit http://www.youtube.com/user/promenadeparty in order to catch some Balton & Williams hilarity (and for further work by the crew, check out our sidebar, which will stream Promenade Party vids as they are processed).

Album Review: DMB's "Big Whiskey"

For the Fallen
In one of the more highly anticipated albums of the summer (a solid four years since DMB's last release, the ho-hum Stand Up), the Dave Matthews Band crafted another classic-in-the-making: Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King; albeit, this effort was completed without the band's sax player and founding member, the fallen Leroi Moore, an untimely victim of an ATV accident last August.

The term "Groogrux King" was a moniker the band created for the taciturn Moore, a man who often diverted interviews and public attention at every turn. Once called "DMB's soul" by one-time producer Mark Batson, Moore's jazzy influence was often the impetus for the band's signature in-concert jams, a man the band replaced with Jeff Coffin (of Bela Fleck and the Flecktones fame) at the time of his death for the remainder of the '08 summer tour and the remaining Big Whiskey sessions. Despite the switch, Moore appears to be all over the album, including its opening track Grux, an instrumental featuring Moore's sax and drummer Carter Beauford's rolling-thunder drums. The 1:41 minue-long clip is but one of countless highlights pouring through DMB's latest return-to-form, the 13-track bombshell that serves as a fitting tribute to the band's fallen comrade.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tim Reynolds

Perhaps best known for his supplementary work on Live at Luther College, Tim Reynolds has proven to be formidable with the axe, both acoustic and electric. With great ease and prowess, Reynolds, through countless acoustic shows with Matthews, helps fill the space left void by the band (after all, Matthews and Reynolds live is strictly a two-man show) with his innovative plucking, solos, and multi-layered effects, including pedal-work and use of the slide. He is now the band's "unofficial" seventh member (along with Matthews, Beauford, Coffin, violinist Boyd Tinsley, bassist Steffan Lessard, and trumpet player Rashawn Ross), as he is featured on a number of Big Whiskey tracks and is currently on-tour with the band, who recently played before a packed house at the Saratoga Performing Arts Centre in Saratoga Springs, NY. Simply put, his work on the electric guitar is mind-blowing enough to warrant (let's hope) a permanent stay with the band, who have featured his talents in one way or another for the past 17 years (since the band's inception in

Charlottesville, VA in 1992).

4. How about those vocals?

Most noteworthy amongst Big Whiskey's highlights is the vocal renderings of Dave Matthews, whose voice appears to be healthy yet again (for a time, the band had to abandon "Satellite" in its live sets because several ailments, including cigarette smoking and vocal chord strain, wouldn't allow him to reach the chorus' falsetto range). He's heard scatting, growling, crooning raspily (in a raw tribute to Moore, "Baby Blue"), wailing, and smoothly laying down some great vocals not heard from him in quite some time. Producer Rob Cavallo (of My Chemical Romance and Green Day fame, circa American Idiot) has beautifully captured Matthews's vocals that have become the driving force of the band's live sets, whether he's heard bellowing the "I'm on bended knee" lyric on "Bartender" or heard scatting on "Too Much" and "So Much to Say," two lively tracks from 1996's Crash. Simply put: very few effects are needed to refurbish Matthews's voice, an instrument that, even at Matthews's 42 years, remains as powerful as it ever has.

3. Whispers of "Big Three" status

When you think of Dave Matthews Band, there are three albums that come to mind: Under the Table and Dreaming, Crash, and Before These Crowded Streets, a trio of musical works that featured the band at its peak from 1994 to 1998. As a result of a grass-roots following, DMB rose from the frat house to the stadium, selling out show after show from one summer to the next...even playing as much as three consecutive sets at the likes of Giants Stadium and Fenway Park. While Big Whiskey will need to grow in order to reach "Big Three" status, its tracks have translated extremely well to the live setting, as first heard at the Beacon Theater, a show telecast on the Hulu Network earlier this month, the first of its kind. The band has truly returned to its roots with Big Whiskey, abandoning synthesizers and drum tracks in order to blend with the unique sound of horns and strings that made them the band they are today.

2. Carter Beaford on the drums!

For those of us who listened to Stand Up for the first time (DMB's last studio album, circa 2005), you may have noticed one glaring omission: the signature percussion/rhythm section that was the band's heartbeat. Beauford's feral drumming was oddly replaced by hip-hop drum beats that left the band sounding flat (quite fitting, when you consider the producer at the time was Batson, who had worked previously with hip-hop artist Nas). Thankfully, the mastery of the band's eldest member returns with some much-needed fury. Listen to "Shake Me Like a Monkey" if you don't believe me (a track that runs amok with horn-work by Coffin and Ross, as well).

1. Their Best Record in over a Decade

The mellow stylings of the band returns with the wonderful tracks like "Lying in the Hands of God," "Time Bomb," "Baby Blue," and "You and Me,"a sound combined with toe-tapping gems in "Why I Am," "Alligator Pie," and "Seven," all of which speak to the carpe-diem/universal love themes that have allowed the band to grow as chart-topping monsters and summer-concert heroes for the college coed and top-40 listener alike. Without question, Big Whiskey bests the likes of Everyday and Stand Up by a long shot, two albums that were considered clunkers by many loyal fans of the band. No doubt, DMB is back...and here to stay, thanks to the in-your-face return-to-form of the perfect summer album, Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King.

Top 5 GOONIE Moments:

Jerk Alert! News of the Goonies sequel has sent me into a frenzy. This joyous information has awoken this blogger from his hibernation, and I'm about to blow. To quote Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, I'm like, "super fly TNT, I'm the guns of the Navaronne!" This is nothing like the sacrilegious remake of Footloose. It isn't even akin to the crappy remake of Willy Wonka. We're talking about the original cast members, and all the original players. Forget for a moment my recent diatribe on the fact that we don't invent any new intellectual properties anymore, because I'm talking about GOONIES. So here are my favorite GOONIE moments. Feel free to sound off in the comment section below!

Number 5: Either Andy lost weight, or she didn't come up in the bucket...

After a moving speech by Mikey, the gang decides NOT to take a ride up Troy's bucket. Too bad for him.

Number 4: That's what I call modern art...

Amidst the chatter and bickering in the attic, Mouth finds a moment to spread some love while rummaging through the "rich stuff".

Number 3: Sloth loves chunk (Need I say more)

Perhaps the most misquoted line from the film, this was a touching moment where two outcasts found each other. Sloth, you complete me.

Number 2: "I want to know everything..." "Everything?!"

Aside from taking  a "doo doo" a la Chapelle in the back of a theatre, this deed finishes a close second place.

Number 1: Hey you Guuuuuuuuuys!

Here's to saving your friends with a little panache.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

A CLASSIC SNL skit from Saturday, October 3, 2008....

Top 5 Phrases Mistakingly Overheard @ Bailout Cabinet Meeting...

There's nothing funny about the prospect of another great depression, but anybody watching the last few days of Congressional meetings with interest could use a little humor right about now. Lest our lawmakers can reach a decision sometime soon it appears that the McCain/ Obama debate will be the least important casualty of the economic crisis. Of course the news media has been in a feeding frenzy over the whole ordeal, and I for one would love the meetings to be held in public for all of the world to see. I wonder what these Senators and Congressmen are talking about as our economic system goes down in flames. I have compiled a brief list of things which I would love to hear caught by a random open microphone on CNN.

5. Sen. Richard Shelby: "700 Billion! Do you realize how many Big Mac's you can get for that kind of money?!"

4. Nancy Pelosi: " Another 700 Billion dollars worth of work and Gretta Van Susteren's face will look normal."

3. John McCain: "But what if they have weapons of mass destruction? We should invade AIG!"

2. George W. Bush: "Fu^$ing January can't come soon enough!"

1. Barack Obama: "Holy Sh*@, now that's a lot of Change!"

Welcome Back! Fall Must See TV

Hello everybody, it's so great to be back. We took a brief hiatus to straighten out our personal and professional lives, but rest assured the V List is back in action to bring you the best mental drivel on the Internet. Before I spew my mental garbage allow me to take the time and say how much we appreciate our readership. Despite our absence, many of you have faithfully come to the site to check up on our authors and thanks to Google analytics, your patronage has not gone unnoticed. We love our readers, and appreciate your support. With that said, let's get back to business. Much like our website, Hollywood went into a brief hibernation for summer, but now it's back with a vengeance. With so many new shows flooding the airwaves, we've picked five shows your DVR simply must record when it comes to prime time TV. The envelope please...

5. How I met your Mother

Like a fine wine, this show keeps getting better and better. For those fortunate enough to watch the season opener with a Star Wars theme, you know what I'm talking about. I always wanted to know how people understood the talking bear in Star Wars. Thankfully How I Met Your Mother delivers the answers.

4. Dexter

Spoiler Alert: After blowing up Dokes, how can you top season 2? Showtime seeks to answer that question with the third season of the lovable psychopath. If you haven't yet acquainted yourself with Dexter (and I'm not talking about the watered down crap CBS pawns off on viewers) then what are you waiting for? Do you really want to be the only one standing around the water-cooler that doesn't have a clue?

3. Kitchen Nightmares

This is the only reality show to make the list because it has all the right ingredients for a great TV show. Drama, heartbreak, and sass are cooked to perfection by Chef Gordon Ramsey. Don't be turned off by his other Fox reality show, this one is legit. Ramsey visits troubled eateries and shows why he truly is an iron chef. Warning to viewers, when you see some of these restaurants, you may think twice about ordering out next time.

2. Fringe

It the X-files for a new generation, and it's got Pacey from Dawson's Creek. Just when I thought I hated the FOX network, they go and make me love them again. Bravo J.J., you have another hit on your hands, and unlike Cloverfield, this one doesn't give me motion sickness.

1. Entourage

Who needs Sex in the City on DVD when you have this show? Jeremy Piven just won his millionth Emmy for his portrayal of Ari Gold, and despite a gloomy season finale last year, the crew is back and better than ever. Thank god Vince shaved his beard, he was beginning to look like Grisley Adams. Aquaman is Back!

The Power of the 'Stache: Beijing Style

On the heels of the 400-meter relay, U.S. Olympic hopeful Michael Phelps cultivates his assault on Mark Spitz's record 8 Olympic golds in competitive swimming, doing it the only way he knows how: by sporting some manly growth. Although Jason Giambi has rid himself of the most masculine of fashion statements (fret not: Giambi hit three homeruns since going stacheless), Phelps serves his country like the stud he is.

I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC.

In lieu of our "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" poll, the V-List presents to you a hilarious video that uses the recent success of Iron Man and The Dark Knight as its vehicle to pinpoint why one should be favored over the other. Although not as clear-cut a debate as the PC/Mac argument (Mac wins in a landslide, by the way), the banter between Iron Man and Batman is worth your time. Enjoy!

Long Before Manny was Being Manny...

Thanks to GM Theo Epstein, Red Sox Nation has been cleansed of the subversive element that was Manny Ramirez, whose antics were no longer worth stomaching, even if he is one the game's righthanded hitters, perhaps the third best to don a Boston uniform behind Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski. Many faithful Sawks fans, knowing full well the impact Manny had on their ballclub over the life of his contract, were glad to see the game's most sophomoric personality switch coasts. Know that he has made some Los Angeles Dodgers fans ecstatic, we need to pay homage to the men who put Manny's tomfoolery to shame. Presented here are some of baseball's most lewd, crude, and downright foolish personalities.



5. David Wells suffered from a mild case of gout.
David Wells, he of perfect game fame (hurled against the Minnesota Twins in 1998), was said to have been drunk for the entirety of his pursuit in leaving an impression on baseball's history books. Apparently, not even a drunken stupor could compromise his assault on an achievement only reached in Yankee history by David Cone (one year later against the Montreal Expos) and Don Larsen (who hurled his perfect game in the 1956 World Series, an event commemorated on the same day that Coney threw a gem of his own). Prior to this historic season, in which Wells finished third in Cy Young voting, Wells developed a nasty case of gout, a disease normally associated with laziness and boozing; essentially, gout brings on immense swelling and pain to a sufferer's extremities, sometimes resulting in amputation. Think gangrene of a lesser degree. Although this condition deprived Wells of a large portion of spring training sessions in 1998, Wells would later miss starts during stints with the Toronto Blue Jays, Boston Red Sox, and San Diego Padres, clubs blessed to have a control pitcher who contrarily epitomized the lifestyle of a fatso. Like Manny, Wells was never truly known for rigorously training in the offseason.

4. Reggie Jackson was the self-proclaimed 'straw that stirs the drink.'
Our man Reggie, an import from the Oakland Athletics, was the Yankees' first million dollar man. Jackson, in many ways, defined the very idea of a big free agent signing, taking the Bronx by storm and pissing off the likes of manager Billy Martin and owner George Steinbrenner with his flashy accolades. In an pre-season interview conducted by SPORTS Magazine's Robert Ward, Jackson made a comment he thought was off-the-record, stating that he was 'the straw that stirs the drink,' a quip that enraged current Yankee catcher Thurman Munson, whose abilities earned him a title not given since Lou Gehrig last retained it: Yankee captain. And like Reggie before him, Manny remarked in an interview that he could play baseball anywhere and be happy, even if that place were Iraq; this sit-down was said to have been the final straw that resulted in Manny's 'amiable' exodus to LA.

3. John Rocker swore off the Number 7 train.
While at his apex as Atlanta Braves closer in 1999, John Rocker produced media fodder quintessentially associated with rags of the National Enquirer mold. While sitting down to a Sports Illustrated interview, Rocker eloquently summed up the city of New York by stating, "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." And if that weren't enough, the bigoted lout called his black teammate Randall Simon (who once took a bat to a racing bratwurst in Milwaukee years later) a "fat monkey." Sure, Rocker had every right to blast New York; after all, Met fans at Shea Stadium once threw batteries at him, resulting in a hocked loogie into the stands from a rankled Johnny Boy. Although the rage may be somewhat understood, Rocker truly revealed himself as a neanderthal in the interview and his legacy was supplanted as a man who tarnished the Braves franchise, not helped it with his fire-hurling capacities. Although not as disgusting, Manny once opened a door to the scoreboard in Fenway's Green Monster and relieved himself inside, all in the midst of an inning that was still in progress.

2. Rickey Henderson declared himself 'the greatest of all-time.'
Rickey Henderson holds the records for most stolen bases in a year (130) and a career (1406), runs scored in a career (2295), walks (2129), and games led off with a homerun (81). After breaking Lou Brock's long-standing stolen base record, the game in which he broke it was suspended so that Henderson could deliver a speech. Ever the attention whore, Henderson gave thanks to Billy Martin, his favorite manager and close friend, and emphatically touted himself as 'the greatest of all-time.' As far as what he was the greatest at (sure, the aforementioned remarks were outstanding, but he DID play 25 seasons in order to obtain them, the most in major league history), baseball fans aren't entirely sure. One thing is for certain though: Rickey's selfish ways were only met in baseball history by one Manny Ramirez. In the same interview about hypothetically playing in a war zone, Manny proclaimed, "The Boston Red Sox don't deserve a player like me."



1. Roger Clemens took the first half of the season off on numerous occasions.
In a moment that defined Yankee radio personality Suzyn Waldman's career, the Yankee organization welcomed Roger Clemens back for his second stint in pinstripes with a hero's welcome in May of 2007. This acquisition reportedly cost the Yankees an astonishing $28 million, a figure that was pro-rated to pay Clemens for his efforts throughout the second half of the season. Prior to this undertaking, Clemens performed this stunt only a year before for the Houston Astros, who allowed Roger to stay home on days he was not scheduled to pitch. Call it the "Clemens Precedent" (better yet, call it the "Brett Favre Precedent"); Roger, on two separate instances, held an organization hostage, knowing that the franchise in question was pining for his services and each was at his will. Now that we know where Clemens is heading, we can only wonder where Manny's is heading now that he will effectively be a free agent in the offseason; although teams will gauge Manny by his skills at the plate, teams should REALLY be looking at Manny for giving up on his team on a number of occasions, even blaming a phantom knee injury for not appearing in a portion of his last series against the Yankees in Fenway. Then again, that's only 'Manny being Manny;' why forsake him?

Honorable Mentions:

• Mike Piazza called a press conference to state that he was not gay.
• Babe Ruth performed on a diet of beer and hot dogs.
• Mickey Mantle was a Hall of Fame boozer.
• Pete Rose once ruined a catcher's career...in an All-Star Game collision.
• Ty Cobb, the game's dirtiest player, received criminal charges for...*ahem*...murder.

Columbus was a Panzy: Book Review of 1421.

The summer usually affords me time to curl up with a good book (or two) and disconnect from television (with the exception of Big Brother). To broaden my horizons, I cracked open Gavin Menzies' historical novel 1421, which focuses on the Chinese nautical adventures taking place during the reign of the Ming emperor Zhu Di. One need travel no further than the cover page for Menzies' unorthodox thesis, which states the Chinese discovered America. By cross referencing the title of the book with an old nursery school rhyme, Menzies places the Chinese in North and South American some seven decades before Columbus took his historic voyage into the unknown. While the book is considered blasphemy by the orthodox historical community, it unearths many fascinating pieces of evidence that are impossible to ignore. I don't want to ruin the book by discussing too much, yet let me say it is worth every page. Aside from the revelation that the Chinese were bad-ass explorers, here are some of the more random facts the book cited while making its case.

5. Indians sported pearls in their penises (for the ladies)

For some reason, Menzies chose to elaborate quite often on the sexual behaviors of fifteenth century India. One passage from the book cites Niccolo da Conti's account whereby he recalled the tinkling noises made when young men walked because they had inserted beads into their penis. The beads were inserted to enliven the sexual experience. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Gross.

4. Chinese trained otters to hunt for fish in the middle of the ocean

Seriously, forget having a trained monkey, I want a trained otter that can catch fish for me. I'm not even joking about this one. The Chinese affixed ropes to the legs of otters which could wrangle schools of fish into the waiting nets of Chinese seamen. So much for running out of food. The Chinese would launch these animals from flooded compartments in the holds of the Junk ships, which leads me to my discussion of Chinese ships and our next amazing fact from 1421.

3. The Titanic doesn't have sh^* on a Chinese junk ship

One of the many technological innovations which the White Star Line (creators of Titanic) marveled at where Titanic's watertight compartments, which could allow the Titanic to stay afloat even if it had begun to take on water. We all see how well that worked, but I digress. The Chinese used a system similar on their massive junk ships, some few hundred years before the White Star Line even existed. The Chinese also employed various shipbuilding innovations that would be copied by other nations around the world for years to come. You'll have to read the book to find them out. They're freakin' amazing!

2. Sea Cucumbers, when eaten, are an aphrodisiac

Much like revelation number five, this is gross. I'm going to turn it over to wikipedia to describe, and unlike other wiki entries, this one is real. Think of it as ancient Viagra.

1. Being a Eunuch sucks.

Zheng-He (leader of the expedition) was a eunuch. If you don't know what a eunuch is, look it up. The most disturbing, and oddly fascinating aspect of 1421 was the description of how Zheng-He became a eunuch and what it entailed. This is another fascinating wiki search, but I will warn you it is not for those with a weak stomach.

While I only listed gross and disturbing facts from the book, there are so many reasons to read it. Unlike other historical novels, it does not read like a textbook. Despite its outstanding prose, 1421's power lies in its ability to challenge everything you thought you knew about the world, while making you ponder about other lies history books propagated on our gullible civilization.