There's nothing funny about the prospect of another great depression, but anybody watching the last few days of Congressional meetings with interest could use a little humor right about now. Lest our lawmakers can reach a decision sometime soon it appears that the McCain/ Obama debate will be the least important casualty of the economic crisis. Of course the news media has been in a feeding frenzy over the whole ordeal, and I for one would love the meetings to be held in public for all of the world to see. I wonder what these Senators and Congressmen are talking about as our economic system goes down in flames. I have compiled a brief list of things which I would love to hear caught by a random open microphone on CNN.
5. Sen. Richard Shelby: "700 Billion! Do you realize how many Big Mac's you can get for that kind of money?!"
4. Nancy Pelosi: " Another 700 Billion dollars worth of work and Gretta Van Susteren's face will look normal."
3. John McCain: "But what if they have weapons of mass destruction? We should invade AIG!"
2. George W. Bush: "Fu^$ing January can't come soon enough!"
1. Barack Obama: "Holy Sh*@, now that's a lot of Change!"
Hello everybody, it's so great to be back. We took a brief hiatus to straighten out our personal and professional lives, but rest assured the V List is back in action to bring you the best mental drivel on the Internet. Before I spew my mental garbage allow me to take the time and say how much we appreciate our readership. Despite our absence, many of you have faithfully come to the site to check up on our authors and thanks to Google analytics, your patronage has not gone unnoticed. We love our readers, and appreciate your support. With that said, let's get back to business. Much like our website, Hollywood went into a brief hibernation for summer, but now it's back with a vengeance. With so many new shows flooding the airwaves, we've picked five shows your DVR simply must record when it comes to prime time TV. The envelope please...
5. How I met your Mother
Like a fine wine, this show keeps getting better and better. For those fortunate enough to watch the season opener with a Star Wars theme, you know what I'm talking about. I always wanted to know how people understood the talking bear in Star Wars. Thankfully How I Met Your Mother delivers the answers.
4. Dexter
Spoiler Alert: After blowing up Dokes, how can you top season 2? Showtime seeks to answer that question with the third season of the lovable psychopath. If you haven't yet acquainted yourself with Dexter (and I'm not talking about the watered down crap CBS pawns off on viewers) then what are you waiting for? Do you really want to be the only one standing around the water-cooler that doesn't have a clue?
3. Kitchen Nightmares
This is the only reality show to make the list because it has all the right ingredients for a great TV show. Drama, heartbreak, and sass are cooked to perfection by Chef Gordon Ramsey. Don't be turned off by his other Fox reality show, this one is legit. Ramsey visits troubled eateries and shows why he truly is an iron chef. Warning to viewers, when you see some of these restaurants, you may think twice about ordering out next time.
2. Fringe
It the X-files for a new generation, and it's got Pacey from Dawson's Creek. Just when I thought I hated the FOX network, they go and make me love them again. Bravo J.J., you have another hit on your hands, and unlike Cloverfield, this one doesn't give me motion sickness.
1. Entourage
Who needs Sex in the City on DVD when you have this show? Jeremy Piven just won his millionth Emmy for his portrayal of Ari Gold, and despite a gloomy season finale last year, the crew is back and better than ever. Thank god Vince shaved his beard, he was beginning to look like Grisley Adams. Aquaman is Back!
On the heels of the 400-meter relay, U.S. Olympic hopeful Michael Phelps cultivates his assault on Mark Spitz's record 8 Olympic golds in competitive swimming, doing it the only way he knows how: by sporting some manly growth. Although Jason Giambi has rid himself of the most masculine of fashion statements (fret not: Giambi hit three homeruns since going stacheless), Phelps serves his country like the stud he is.
In lieu of our "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" poll, the V-List presents to you a hilarious video that uses the recent success of Iron Man and The Dark Knight as its vehicle to pinpoint why one should be favored over the other. Although not as clear-cut a debate as the PC/Mac argument (Mac wins in a landslide, by the way), the banter between Iron Man and Batman is worth your time. Enjoy!
Thanks to GM Theo Epstein, Red Sox Nation has been cleansed of the subversive element that was Manny Ramirez, whose antics were no longer worth stomaching, even if he is one the game's righthanded hitters, perhaps the third best to don a Boston uniform behind Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski. Many faithful Sawks fans, knowing full well the impact Manny had on their ballclub over the life of his contract, were glad to see the game's most sophomoric personality switch coasts. Know that he has made some Los Angeles Dodgers fans ecstatic, we need to pay homage to the men who put Manny's tomfoolery to shame. Presented here are some of baseball's most lewd, crude, and downright foolish personalities.
5. David Wells suffered from a mild case of gout. David Wells, he of perfect game fame (hurled against the Minnesota Twins in 1998), was said to have been drunk for the entirety of his pursuit in leaving an impression on baseball's history books. Apparently, not even a drunken stupor could compromise his assault on an achievement only reached in Yankee history by David Cone (one year later against the Montreal Expos) and Don Larsen (who hurled his perfect game in the 1956 World Series, an event commemorated on the same day that Coney threw a gem of his own). Prior to this historic season, in which Wells finished third in Cy Young voting, Wells developed a nasty case of gout, a disease normally associated with laziness and boozing; essentially, gout brings on immense swelling and pain to a sufferer's extremities, sometimes resulting in amputation. Think gangrene of a lesser degree. Although this condition deprived Wells of a large portion of spring training sessions in 1998, Wells would later miss starts during stints with the Toronto Blue Jays, Boston Red Sox, and San Diego Padres, clubs blessed to have a control pitcher who contrarily epitomized the lifestyle of a fatso. Like Manny, Wells was never truly known for rigorously training in the offseason.
4. Reggie Jackson was the self-proclaimed 'straw that stirs the drink.' Our man Reggie, an import from the Oakland Athletics, was the Yankees' first million dollar man. Jackson, in many ways, defined the very idea of a big free agent signing, taking the Bronx by storm and pissing off the likes of manager Billy Martin and owner George Steinbrenner with his flashy accolades. In an pre-season interview conducted by SPORTS Magazine's Robert Ward, Jackson made a comment he thought was off-the-record, stating that he was 'the straw that stirs the drink,' a quip that enraged current Yankee catcher Thurman Munson, whose abilities earned him a title not given since Lou Gehrig last retained it: Yankee captain. And like Reggie before him, Manny remarked in an interview that he could play baseball anywhere and be happy, even if that place were Iraq; this sit-down was said to have been the final straw that resulted in Manny's 'amiable' exodus to LA.
3. John Rocker swore off the Number 7 train. While at his apex as Atlanta Braves closer in 1999, John Rocker produced media fodder quintessentially associated with rags of the National Enquirer mold. While sitting down to a Sports Illustrated interview, Rocker eloquently summed up the city of New York by stating, "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." And if that weren't enough, the bigoted lout called his black teammate Randall Simon (who once took a bat to a racing bratwurst in Milwaukee years later) a "fat monkey." Sure, Rocker had every right to blast New York; after all, Met fans at Shea Stadium once threw batteries at him, resulting in a hocked loogie into the stands from a rankled Johnny Boy. Although the rage may be somewhat understood, Rocker truly revealed himself as a neanderthal in the interview and his legacy was supplanted as a man who tarnished the Braves franchise, not helped it with his fire-hurling capacities. Although not as disgusting, Manny once opened a door to the scoreboard in Fenway's Green Monster and relieved himself inside, all in the midst of an inning that was still in progress.
2. Rickey Henderson declared himself 'the greatest of all-time.' Rickey Henderson holds the records for most stolen bases in a year (130) and a career (1406), runs scored in a career (2295), walks (2129), and games led off with a homerun (81). After breaking Lou Brock's long-standing stolen base record, the game in which he broke it was suspended so that Henderson could deliver a speech. Ever the attention whore, Henderson gave thanks to Billy Martin, his favorite manager and close friend, and emphatically touted himself as 'the greatest of all-time.' As far as what he was the greatest at (sure, the aforementioned remarks were outstanding, but he DID play 25 seasons in order to obtain them, the most in major league history), baseball fans aren't entirely sure. One thing is for certain though: Rickey's selfish ways were only met in baseball history by one Manny Ramirez. In the same interview about hypothetically playing in a war zone, Manny proclaimed, "The Boston Red Sox don't deserve a player like me."
1. Roger Clemens took the first half of the season off on numerous occasions. In a moment that defined Yankee radio personality SuzynWaldman's career, the Yankee organization welcomed Roger Clemens back for his second stint in pinstripes with a hero's welcome in May of 2007. This acquisition reportedly cost the Yankees an astonishing $28 million, a figure that was pro-rated to pay Clemens for his efforts throughout the second half of the season. Prior to this undertaking, Clemens performed this stunt only a year before for the Houston Astros, who allowed Roger to stay home on days he was not scheduled to pitch. Call it the "Clemens Precedent" (better yet, call it the "Brett Favre Precedent"); Roger, on two separate instances, held an organization hostage, knowing that the franchise in question was pining for his services and each was at his will. Now that we know where Clemens is heading, we can only wonder where Manny's is heading now that he will effectively be a free agent in the offseason; although teams will gauge Manny by his skills at the plate, teams should REALLY be looking at Manny for giving up on his team on a number of occasions, even blaming a phantom knee injury for not appearing in a portion of his last series against the Yankees in Fenway. Then again, that's only 'Manny being Manny;' why forsake him?
Honorable Mentions:
Mike Piazza called a press conference to state that he was not gay.
Babe Ruth performed on a diet of beer and hot dogs.
Mickey Mantle was a Hall of Fame boozer.
Pete Rose once ruined a catcher's career...in an All-Star Game collision.
Ty Cobb, the game's dirtiest player, received criminal charges for...*ahem*...murder.
The summer usually affords me time to curl up with a good book (or two) and disconnect from television (with the exception of Big Brother). To broaden my horizons, I cracked open Gavin Menzies' historical novel 1421, which focuses on the Chinese nautical adventures taking place during the reign of the Ming emperor Zhu Di. One need travel no further than the cover page for Menzies' unorthodox thesis, which states the Chinese discovered America. By cross referencing the title of the book with an old nursery school rhyme, Menzies places the Chinese in North and South American some seven decades before Columbus took his historic voyage into the unknown. While the book is considered blasphemy by the orthodox historical community, it unearths many fascinating pieces of evidence that are impossible to ignore. I don't want to ruin the book by discussing too much, yet let me say it is worth every page. Aside from the revelation that the Chinese were bad-ass explorers, here are some of the more random facts the book cited while making its case.
5. Indians sported pearls in their penises (for the ladies)
For some reason, Menzies chose to elaborate quite often on the sexual behaviors of fifteenth century India. One passage from the book cites Niccolo da Conti's account whereby he recalled the tinkling noises made when young men walked because they had inserted beads into their penis. The beads were inserted to enliven the sexual experience. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Gross.
4. Chinese trained otters to hunt for fish in the middle of the ocean
Seriously, forget having a trained monkey, I want a trained otter that can catch fish for me. I'm not even joking about this one. The Chinese affixed ropes to the legs of otters which could wrangle schools of fish into the waiting nets of Chinese seamen. So much for running out of food. The Chinese would launch these animals from flooded compartments in the holds of the Junk ships, which leads me to my discussion of Chinese ships and our next amazing fact from 1421.
3. The Titanic doesn't have sh^* on a Chinese junk ship
One of the many technological innovations which the White Star Line (creators of Titanic) marveled at where Titanic's watertight compartments, which could allow the Titanic to stay afloat even if it had begun to take on water. We all see how well that worked, but I digress. The Chinese used a system similar on their massive junk ships, some few hundred years before the White Star Line even existed. The Chinese also employed various shipbuilding innovations that would be copied by other nations around the world for years to come. You'll have to read the book to find them out. They're freakin' amazing!
Zheng-He (leader of the expedition) was a eunuch. If you don't know what a eunuch is, look it up. The most disturbing, and oddly fascinating aspect of 1421 was the description of how Zheng-He became a eunuch and what it entailed. This is another fascinating wiki search, but I will warn you it is not for those with a weak stomach.
While I only listed gross and disturbing facts from the book, there are so many reasons to read it. Unlike other historical novels, it does not read like a textbook. Despite its outstanding prose, 1421's power lies in its ability to challenge everything you thought you knew about the world, while making you ponder about other lies history books propagated on our gullible civilization.
This article caught my eye when I was doing a search on Yahoo, so I decided to give it a read. There are some interesting albums listed here, and the number one was a total shocker! Check it out and see what you think. Maybe our resident music writer (Bryan would like to make a comment, or submit his own version?)
Facebook has taken the world by storm because of its ability to keep in touch with people while creating a digital signature of your own. It is kinda creepy that you can learn virtually everything about your friends within seconds, thanks to minute by minute updates of their profile. Additionally, there are other applications that are created by third party developers which will try the patience of even the most peaceful individuals. In this list we pay tribute to the applications this author would like to see eradicated from the Facebook application catalogue.
5. The Entourage Application
While virtually every fan of the show is bound to organize their own Entourage of friends, it is a bit far reaching to think that one person could "roll with" over two hundred individuals. There are few people of historical significance that "rolled" with hundred of people simultaneously, and if one is comparing himself with Jesus, Gandhi, or Louis XVI, then they are delusional. I have no problem with this application, but seriously it should be limited since nobody travels, eats, and arrives with over two hundred people to one place with regularity.
4. Lil' Green Garden Patches
Stop sending me plants for a fictitious garden patch. Also, please stop sending me "pieces of flare" and fish for a fake aquarium. I hate accumulating garbage trinkets in real life, let alone allow them to clutter up my Facebook page. Some people really dig these applications, but I don't understand them. What is the allure of the garden patch? Is it aesthetically pleasing, or does it make one feel good that somebody thought enough of them to send them a fake plant? I guess it's the thought that counts.
3. What ________ character are you?
When I first arrived in the Facebook community I was drawn into these faux tests which can correctly predict what character you would be on your favorite show/movie from a questionnaire. After completing approximately two of these assessments, I realized what a pile of dung they were. Any twit with half a brain can manufacture the outcome of the test to say whatever it is they desire. Very few males want to be diagnosed as Marge from the Simpson's test, so they will fudge a few answers to become Homer or Bart. They should rename these applications "what character from ___________ would you like to be?"
2. The "V" List Live Feed Widget
The V List widget could be the biggest pile of trash in the Facebook application catalogue. In fact, it could easily be the number one on this list, but it pisses me off slightly less than the next entry. This widget took about fifteen minutes to customize using a combination of two websites and some html language. The final product was an application that will not run automatically when the page loads up. It shows that the widget is a movie (which in fact it is not) and then asks the person to click play. Upon clicking on the widget it will take you to another page where a 3 inch widget is set in the middle of a gigantic page, and has a feed of our articles and movies. What a rip off! Facebook should give me the freedom to at least develop an aesthetically pleasing widget that works. Curse you and you half assed developers kit, because now my application is being listed by some site in the blogosphere as one of the worst on Facebook.
1. Mob Wars
I am all about online gaming, however please don't pretend Mob Wars or Vampire Slayer are games, because they are not. There are thousands of other flash games that would be better suited for Facebook, but these two "games" are the most annoying applications out there. I don't mind people sending me invites, but at this point, I could literally be in about 15-20 different "families" if I had clicked the accept button. As a student of Godfather and Goodfellas, I would have been whacked several times over for betraying the advice of Michael Corleone. Everybody knows you never go against the family, something which I would have done some fourteen times over. I also tried vampire hunting and superheroes, but those "games" become equally mundane after a week. I you want to play some serious games, look me up on xbox live and we can do some real damage. As for the Facebook crap that they call entertainment. I'll pass.
There's nothing funny about the prospect of another great depression, but anybody watching the last few days of Congressional meetings with interest could use a little humor right about now. Lest our lawmakers can reach a decision sometime soon it appears that the McCain/ Obama debate will be the least important casualty of the economic crisis. Of course the news media has been in a feeding frenzy over the whole ordeal, and I for one would love the meetings to be held in public for all of the world to see. I wonder what these Senators and Congressmen are talking about as our economic system goes down in flames. I have compiled a brief list of things which I would love to hear caught by a random open microphone on CNN.
five shows your DVR simply must record when it comes to prime time TV. The envelope please... 
