The "V" List

Back From Europe: McDonald's Vlog

2009-07-10T11:45:00.001-04:00

As a spin off from our first trip to Paris when we sought out the illustrious Royal with Cheese, we made a similar journey in Milan. Consider this the survival of the fittest, fast food style. Here's our VLOG on location in Northern Italy:

V List Original VLOG: Vader's Finest Moments

2009-06-28T13:30:00.001-04:00

OUR FIRST VLOG! "GEEK CHIC: TOP 5 NERDS!"

2009-06-22T09:15:00.002-04:00

What Grinds My Gears: The Wal-Mart Shopping 'Experience'

2009-06-18T00:00:00.002-04:00

You want to know what really grinds my gears? The Wal-Mart shopping experience, a pastime of blood-boiling proportions that's bound to rankle more than it does to satisfy one's attempt at an in-and-out shopping excursion (you try spending less than $50 bucks at Wally World the next time you shop. I dare you!). For as much as we like to avoid the wretched place, it's rife with goods and products we need at wholesale prices, but venturing the aisles of this corporate swinehouse leads us to believe it's rife with something else: cluttered walkways, a Where's Waldo-esque search for associate help, encounters with nasty customers, and oodles of frustration worthy of a five-point rant that analyzes what makes shopping at Wal-Mart so damn exasperating.

5. The Purchase of Powdered Baby Formula
Gerber products. Apple juice. Clothing, sizes 18 to 24 months. Wipes. Diapers. Lotion. Wait...where's the Similac? Ought to be around here somewhere...let me look. It's right near the...cigarettes?!?! That's right, folks: if you're looking to purchase baby formula, you'll have to first inquire at the longest checkout line near the exits---the tobacco product queue. And if, perchance, you happen to find a Wal-Mart that features Enfamil where it belongs, with the other baby products, you'll see that it's under closer watch than Jared Fogle at a chili bake-off. It's no wonder more and more women are nursing long past the time those baby molars come in.

4. The Clientele

As a former Wal-Mart employee (in my high school years), I, like many before me, have fallen victim to the old Sam Walton belief that "the customer is always right." You wouldn't believe the amount of people that abuse said policy. I once dealt with a murderous consumer that flung an Offspring CD at me because its lyrical content was too risque for his daughter's ears. Or the old man who saw our sale on cat food in our flier and demanded he purchase cases of it at a time despite there being a 10-item per customer limit (I'm convinced old people claim they have cats as guise toward eating the liver and salmon Friskies variety themselves). Then, there's the in-over-her-head mother who insists on grocery shopping with 7 kids in tow. The 78 year old man who's convinced they still sell VCR cassettes in the Electronics Department. The disgruntled yokel purchasing a fishing license, getting a key made, and walking away infuriated with neither when he discovers his local Wal-Mart no longer sells guns. The droves of kids "staying after school" to play Guitar Hero. The "do you need to get by" -minded customers who guard the card display and magazine case with utter disregard for your desire to browse the selection. This is the Wal-Mart clientele: human behavior at its "finest."

3. Carts, Carts, Everywhere!

My first job at Wal-Mart was that of a "stocker." No, I didn't stock the shelves (as the job title would suggest): I pushed carts. You know that phrase that applies to postal workers, "...neither sleet, nor rain, nor snow...?" That very mantra applies to the cart pushers at Wal-Mart. We pushed carts in every condition imaginable (especially in the sweltering heat). Of all the jobs the corporation could thrust upon its employees, this is by far the most back-breaking position available, seeing as there are more customers coming in than carts coming out. From the stocker's perspective, there's not a damn person that puts his or her cart away. From the customer's perspective, there's not a damn person willing to get his or her cart away from other cars in the lot, just as there are those damn cart pushers that couldn't care less to remove their 50-cart line away from your backing the car up. It's a mad, mad, mad world and there are too many carts out there to clutter it.

2. Attempting to Access the Game Case

You can long for that copy of Gears of War all you want. Stare at it; fawn over it. Make your intentions known that you want that game in your possession. 'Cause not an associate out there cares to get that copy for you, unless you reluctantly ask yourself. The sad thing is, there are likely 5 or 6 associates apportioned in the Electronics Department to "help out" customers. And only one is keeper of the keys. And that guy is likely out to lunch. Seriously, is there a privilege to having those keys? Is it a matter of rank? Seniority? Do employees row sham bow for them prior to each shift? Or do they battle it out in the Thunderdome, "two men enter, only one man leaves" style for the right to carry them? It's a wonder anything in that game case gets sold in a timely fashion.

1. The Self Check-Out Innovation

In theory, the self-check out was developed to diminish the lines and push customers out of the store more quickly. In theory. When you need the self check-out most, say, at 9 PM, when the store isn't so busy, the option is not available to you, as each self check-out lane is closed. Makes logical sense.

Look at the typical exchange a customer at the self-check out endures: customer scans a bottle of Dr. Pepper; *Please place the item in the bagging area*; customer does what's asked of him; *Unexpected item in bagging area*; befuddled, customer removes the item from the bagging station; *Please place the item in the bagging area*; irritated, customer repeats the request; customer scans a 96-ounce bottle of Tide (clearly, too bulky for the bagging area); customer hits the key "Item Not Bagged;" note: if customer does this more than three times, the associate has to enter a code to allow him to continue checking out; customer scans a DVD of the R-rated Pineapple Express; customer is prompted on the screen, "Are you 17 years or older?" ; only thing is, he can't answer this question...the associate, giving him the up-and-down, has to enter a code in order to do that for him, too; customer scans a package of Krazy Glue; customer is prompted on the screen, "Are you 16 years or older?" ; associate must come over to approve his age by entering a code...again; customer thinks to himself, "I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue;" customer, finished with his scanning, clicks "Finish to Pay;" in a bellowing voice (because that's what the woman through the computer has been doing with each request) asks, "Do you have any coupons?" ; customer clicks "No;" the booming voice asks, "Please check your cart for unscanned items;" customer touches screen to advance; *Please touch screen for payment options* ; customer, suddenly realizing his wallet is in his car, wishes to pay by check; associate must come over again to approve the purchase; customer, feeling the sensation of darting glares in the back of his neck from a line of other customers behind him, takes receipt and bagged items and leaves, realizing it would have made more sense to have his items checked out by a flesh-and-blood employee rather than a flawed machine that can barely function without the aid of an associate; customer heads for the exit, just as the security alarm lights up and beckons his presence; door greeter is either too old or too lazy to even care; customer realizes he could have walked off with far more valuables...maybe next time.

That, in a nutshell, made me realize that I need to pick up toiletries before my Outer Banks trip on Saturday. Where else to go but Wal-Mart? Wish me luck...

Fred Savage: Beyond the Wonder Years

2009-06-17T20:00:00.002-04:00

You can have your Michael J. Fox, your Neil Patrick Harris, and your Mark Paul Gosselaar: this post is dedicated to one of the more underrated early 90's stars of his time. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you Mr. Fred Savage. He might not have been a baller with retractable claws, a teenage doctoral prodigy, or the most popular kid at Bayside High, but Fred Savage, who ably played the role of a young adolescent that warmed our hearts (Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years), had a rather solid film career. Presented to you here are five iconic Fred Savage roles that will thrust you down Nostalgia Lane.

5. The Princess Bride

While minor, Savage's role as "The Grandson" (I kid you not: it's listed that way on imdb.com) is the backdrop of a timeless classic that featured the likes of Andre the Giant as Fezzik ("I am the brute squad!") and Billy Crystal as Miracle Max ("Have fun storming the castle!"). "The Grandfather" (played by Peter Falk) reads a bedtime story to his grandson, who is sick in bed and, at first, is none too grateful to hear some silly fairy tale. But, like many of us, Savage is soon taken by an inviting story that is high on wit and romance, a narrative filled with countless quotable lines that still stands up some 22 years after its release.

4. Little Monsters

As one of two leading roles from the list, Little Monsters is driven by the fear many of us had growing up: monsters lurking beneath the bed. Savage's character, Brian Stevenson, interacts with Maurice (played by Howie Mandel), a horned "beast" who grants Brian access to his world and allows him to tag along on some of his nocturnal activities (namely, scaring the snot out of punk kids that deserve their nightly torture). As Maurice shows him the ropes of bed-snatching, Brian shows him how to be a good-natured monster (as in, avoiding the incessant need to frighten unsuspecting infants and not raiding people's refrigerators). The film features some otherwise overlooked cameos (Ben Savage, Fred's real-life sibling, plays Brian's little brother Eric and Daniel Stern, the voice of an older Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years, plays Brian's father Glen). While not highly regarded on imdb.com (it garnered a measly 5.3 rating out of 10), Little Monsters stands up as a fun kids' film that teaches a lesson and is worth a second glance in the rare instance it's featured on HBO.

3. Austin Powers in Goldmember

It is through Savage's character The Mole that Mini-Me is able to infiltrate Austin Powers's spy agency and act as a do-gooder aiming to thwart Dr. Evil, who no longer has a place in his heart for his adoring clone. Because of The Mole, audiences who raved over Goldmember's hilarity were given some cracks that centered largely around a facial imperfection that would make Enrique Iglesias jealous. At the mere sight of his mole, Austin Powers remains aghast at the sheer size of it, doing whatever he can to avoid glimpsing at the mole or poking fun at it (luckily, to our pleasure, his attempts were highly unsuccessful). Let the play on words commence. Ah-moley, mole!

2. The Rules of Attraction

In a film driven by an ensemble of late '90's stars (some of whom were WB whores, including James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek, Jessica Biel from 7th Heaven, Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie, Kate Bosworth from Blue Crush, and Ian Somerhalder from LOST and Life as a House), Fred Savage had a memorable cameo appearance in a dark, college-age cult classic from the bizarre mind of novelist Bret Easton Ellis (author and screenplay writer of American Psycho). Savage played "A Junkie Named Marc," Sean Bateman's (Van Der Beek) drug dealer who owes him money. Quite frankly, I don't think words do justice to the three-minutes of hilarious (albeit, disturbing) movie magic that Savage provided; essentially, you see Fred's scene and say to yourself, "Oh my God, is that...FRED SAVAGE?!?!"

Take a gander:

1. The Wizard

HBO Family has been playing this film non-stop, and we are all the better for it. Christian Slater as the "too cool to care" older sibling. The illustrious Beau Bridges as the clueless single father. Luke Edwards as the autistic gaming "wizard" (hence, the film's title). Jimmy Woods (The Wizard) toting his NES Power Glove in a steel toolbox. Our first taste of Super Mario Brothers 3 (to our chagrin, it was some time--several months away, in fact--from being released in stores). Simply put, The Wizard was a sight to behold for the young gaming community of the 1980's. Corey Woods (Savage) could no longer stand his father's neglect, so he takes it upon himself to run away with Jimmy and enter him in a video game tournament called Armageddon (in which "The Wizard" faces off against Lucas, who has a crony that follows him around in the form of Tobey Maguire, listed in the credits as "Lucas's goon at Video Armageddon"). What ensues is a bond between siblings made stronger by an affinity for video games...and the end of a run of some magical late '80's family flicks from Savage, who now directs (Greek, Ugly Betty, and My Boys) and produces (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) some quality television programs.

Kobe Bryant, An All-Time Great?

2009-06-16T09:26:00.009-04:00

Listen. It's not often a player comes along and wins 4 NBA titles. Amasses 2 scoring titles (4, if you're counting points scored, not averages). Wins the triumvirate of MVP's (All-Star, regular season, and NBA Finals). Gets named to 7 All-NBA first teams, 7 All-Defensive first teams. Averages 30 points per game in a season (Kobe did it thrice, with as much as 35 per in 2006). Scores 81 points in one game. Starts in an All-Star Game by age 19. Earns a $70 million contract by age 20. Wins 3 titles (all in a three-peat) by age 23. What's been described to you is Kobe Bryant's sterling resume. He has likely garnered top-10 all-time status with his most recent NBA title. Quite frankly, though, it's difficult to WANT to put him in that class.

5. His desire to not make players around him better pushed Phil Jackson out of town.

Jackson strung together three-peats on THREE separate occasions ('91 to '93, '96 to '98, '00 to '02), but in order to win his 10th title (the most in NBA history), he had to stomach an LA tenure with Kobe running the show. This, after he had already left the Lakers in 2004 finding little to no reason to continue his celebrated coaching stint with Kobe thinking he could do it all. Coincidentally or not, Jackson made Jordan a better team player, but could never quite pull it off with Kobe. Case in point: in Game 2 of this year's Finals, Kobe went one-on-four against the Magic for the game winning shot, had the ball stripped by Hedu Turkoglu, and watched as a Courtney Lee alley-oop fell short of tying the series up at one game a piece. Great champions don't put their teams in position to lose like that. And that's the difference between Jordan and Kobe: MJ would have deferred to one of his four open teammates in that situation; after all, how many game-winning shots did Steve Kerr and John Paxson have throughout Jordan's title runs? Lest we forget that, in Jordan's return from his first retirement (when he dropped 55 points on the Knicks at the Garden), he passed the ball to Bill Wennington for the game-winning bucket. At age 30 (and not getting any younger), Kobe has yet to learn that lesson.

4. His selfishness drove Shaq out of town.

Watch that video several times and ask yourself: how many MORE times could a hook-up like that have happened to will the Lakers to another title? Two more times? Three more times? Listen, if the Knicks can go over the salary cap with the garbage roster they put together, the Lakers could bite the bullet and sign Kobe and Shaq to maximum contracts and fill out the roster with role players. When the Lakers won their third title in as many years, Kobe was 23. Shaq was 29. It's not often you have a duo playing together in their primes like Kobe and Shaq had. They could have been Magic/Kareem 2.0. But their egos (moreso Kobe's) got the best of their relationship. After their last title in '02, the pairing would play two more seasons together, with zero titles to show for it. Why? Because Kobe wanted the Lakers to be his team, just as much as Shaq wanted the same. If Kobe had deferred to Shaq, arguably one of the most dominant forces in NBA history, perhaps Kobe is fitting his finger for a sixth ring rather than a fourth on Sunday night. But Kobe wanted to lead a different legacy. He wanted to be The Man in LA. He wanted the scoring titles, the MVP's, and the titles without having to spread the offense and share the ball. Hell, even Jordan had his Pippen. In fact, there's a sure-fire formula that works in the NBA: put two superstars together, surround them with serviceable role players, and ride them to a championship. It worked for the Showtime Lakers (Magic and Kareem). It worked for the 1980's Celtics (Bird and McHale). It worked for the Bad Boy Pistons (Thomas and Dumars). It worked for Pat Riley's Heat (Shaq and Wade). Not following this formula is why Lebron couldn't win a title in 2007 and a prime reason why Kobe could never do it by himself either (honestly, he doesn't win this most recent championship without having pilfered Pau Gasol from Memphis or having watched Trevor Ariza ascend at the rate he did). Think about this: Kobe didn't become unselfish and lead the Lakers to the title this year. They were a product of changed circumstances. Why couldn't they win last year? KG (absent to defend a title this year due to a knee injury) aligned Boston to play team defense. But why did they win it this year? The Spurs are aging (and without an injured Manu), the Rockets saw two superstars go down (McGrady and Yao), KG had a balky knee, and another piece was never delivered to help Lebron. Did the Lakers deserve to win? Of course they did...but only because they were the best team left and the likes of Gasol, Ariza, Odom, Bynum, and Fisher sacrificed minutes, shots, and roles in order to appease Kobe. Would you ever see Bryant do that for his squadmates? Not in a million years.

3. Even his most recent accolades doesn't bring him closer to Jordan (or Magic, for that matter).

Prior to winning his fourth title, Kobe was barely mentioned amongst all-time Laker greats. In fact, most NBA fans and experts would suggest that Elgin Baylor (who never won a title) and Jerry West (who only won once) contributed more to the overall NBA landscape than Kobe had. And yet, people find reason to compare Kobe to Jordan. ESPN "expert" Jon Barry quipped, "Kobe is the closest thing to Jordan we're ever going to see." Yes, he said ever in summing up Kobe's latest championship run. Bluntly speaking, nobody carries himself with the passion, aura, charisma, and dedication Jordan has. Sure, Kobe lives and breathes the game and works harder than any athlete out there, but is he a good teammate? Is he a good ambassador for the game? Is he the type of player to say, "I won my fourth title!" or "We won our fourth title!" I'm thinking the former. And that sets him apart from Magic (whom Coach Pat Riley said "is the epitome of greatness" in his book The Winner Within) and Jordan (who still commands a Beatles-like following wherever he goes). And not in a good way.

2. The NBA prefers Lebron to Kobe.

The 2009 NBA Finals was supposed to be the Kobe/Lebron match-up, the series that would put an end to the "greatest current player in the NBA" debate. The Nike and Life Water promotional agencies wanted it that way, and so did NBA commissioner David Stern. Only Dwight Howard was a huge obstacle standing in Lebron's way (not to mention the fact that Mo Williams is not the supplementary piece to take Lebron to the promised land). When Kobe won his MVP in 2008, he held a press conference (to which about 20 members of the press showed up...his teammates, on the other hand, did not). When Lebron won this year's MVP, he too held a press conference, but his teammates (who stuck up for him when he stormed off court after losing the Magic series) were there in full force; quite fitting, when you consider that Lebron bought each of his teammates an expensive gift as a token of his gratitude. These are the same teammates that carry on with Lebron (albeit, rather sophomorically) on the sidelines when they win. Do you see that same kind of stuff with Kobe? Hardly. He needed a Spike Lee documentary (Kobe Doin' Work) to show how "great" of a teammate and leader he was. Only we weren't buying it. When and if Lebron wins his first title, all of this talk about Kobe's greatness will fizzle. Because that's what the league wants you to believe. Can you blame them?

1. He is the most polarizing superstar of his era (perhaps moreso than Barry Bonds).

As a Kobe fan, the 2004-05 season must have been painful to watch. Excruciatingly painful. Here was Jordan's heir apparent gallivanting with another woman in a Colorado hotel room. And this wasn't just Kobe being unfaithful with his beautiful wife. This was Kobe allegedly assaulting a woman sexually (whispers of rape surrounded his case). He had to play in LA one night, fly to Colorado for the arraignment or indictment the next. This was Kobe having to buy his wife a million dollar ring to make it all better. But it didn't (and, in this sports fan's eyes, it hasn't). Kobe, despite his modest upbringing, sophistication, business-like appeal, and ability to speak several languages, will always be the alleged rapist that was the brunt of jokes in a Dave Chappelle skit. Sure, Barry Bonds cheated the fans of a genuine home run champ by dabbling in performance-enhancing drug abuse. He is a jerk to the media. He likely lied to cover up his steroid use. But he never cheated on his wife. Was never known to have spoken a cuss word. He is a family man first (his kids followed him every step of the way no matter how controversial his father had become). Unfortunately, Kobe is the Omega Man, a man alone in his thoughts and convictions, no stranger to isolation. And he'd like to keep it that way, it seems.

Its Wiitarded!

2009-06-15T20:35:00.010-04:00

For anyone who follows the E3 gaming conference, they will tell you that Project Natal (Microsoft) and PS3 are trying desperately to cash in on the "motion capture" controller scheme being used by the Wii. Instead of using a joystick or gamepad, this new technology uses your body as the controller. Now you can flail around the living room as Godzilla, or skateboard just like Tony Hawk. If Rock Band and Guitar Hero helped us channel our inner rock star, then its a no-brainer that innovative control schemes are the way of the future. After all, its this simple control scheme that has moms, dads, and senior citizens breaking into the gaming community. While Microsoft and Playstation are sure to follow suit, I'm less optimistic about the Wii. Call me old school, but I'm a fan of using a joystick or controller, rather than making lewd hand gestures repeatedly to play a game. While this is my biggest aversion to the "revolutionary" system, I could name more, five more to be exact. But before I spew venom, here's a word from my sponsor, the "Wii Boys" of SNL. Very funny!

5. Where are the games?

Aside from the major titles like Zelda, Metroid, and Mario where are the new original intellectual properties? The Wii is basically geared towards a plethora of mini-games packaged together for 49.99. Within a few weeks, why isn't it surprising that almost all of these titles end up on the bargain bin rack at Wal-Mart. I would say that 95% of the titles for this system are pure garbage. Many of them can't even garner a rating over 6 in Game Informer magazine, and that's difficult since the give almost every game an automatic 7 of 10. While Nintendo is moving tons of hardware for the system, a breakdown of software sales reveals a darker side to the system.

4. If I wanted to play Tennis, Baseball, Golf, I would just play THEM!

Again, call me old fashioned, but aside from a rainy day, what self-respecting athlete would prefer to stand in their living room? Dude, get out of your house, get some fresh air and get some real exercise. Which brings me to my next point...

3. The Wii is NOT a fitness substitute!

As much as it tries to be, you are NOT burning serious calories by running in place on a "fake" track. I think its a nice strategy to get people to be active, but this is in no way a substitute for a gym membership. If you are really concerned about your health and well being, go on a diet and hit the gym. Buying Wii Fit will not cut it, and judging from the size of your Mii, it looks like you could need a little more physical activity.

2. It's technologically worse than the system that came before it!

For all its flaws, the GameCube had more impressive graphics than this piece of garbage. Perhaps if they could combine jaw dropping graphics with a tight motion control scheme, I would be more of a fan. Honestly, most of the games look like they were created by the Disney Channel, or worse Nickelodeon. Why do all the damn games look like an episode of the Telletubies! Let's hope that the next generation console from Nintendo is a bit beefier for hardcore gamers.

1. LCD Televisions are paying the price!

Remember when you were little and you wanted to play ball in the house? What did you parents say to you? Go outside so you don't break something! Sure the Wii uses simulated motions, but when every single game comes with a disclaimer so you don't break shit, this could be a problem. Here is a website devoted to several household items which became casualties of the Wii.

Summer Concert Series Follow-Up

2009-06-15T10:51:00.005-04:00

What summer concert review would be complete without featuring what these bands are capable of live? Listed below is each band live that was featured in the Summer Tour review. Enjoy!

O.A.R. - Hey Girl, Live at PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ (7.22.05).

Earth, Wind, and Fire with Chicago - September, Live at the Greek Theater in LA (2004)

Rascal Flatts - Too Good to Be True, Live at Daytona Beach

U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday, Live at Slane Castle in Dublin, Ireland (Sept. 2001)

Dave Matthews Band - Two Step, Live at Woodstock (7.24.99)

Summer Concert Series: Five Bands to See

2009-06-15T09:12:00.012-04:00

With summer here, there are a slew of activities to enjoy, including trips to the shore, barbeque's, block parties, fireworks displays, ballgames, and outdoor concerts. Here is a small list of bands worth checking out this summer.

5. Of a Revolution (O.A.R.)

One of the better bands to emerge from college radio, Of a Revolution promises energy and slamming tunes with each set. Perhaps best known for their original hit, "That Was a Crazy Game of Poker," O.A.R. has established themselves commercially, with newfound hits in "Shattered" and "This Town," the latter of which has become the name for their current '09 summer tour. This go-around, O.A.R. headlines with Matt Nathanson (check out "Car Crash" and "Come on Get Higher" from this San Fran-based troubadour).

Visit http://www.ofarevolution.com/ for more information, including a local stopover at Bethel Woods, just down the road from Woodstock.

4. Earth, Wind, & Fire with Chicago

These two behemoths, like Elton John and Billy Joel before them, have made it a point in recent memory to join forces for a summer tour that is big on radio-chart toppers and nostalgia. These ultra-talented forces promise two jam-packed shows, complete with several songs in which both will be playing together for a display and range of talent that, even 30 years after their peak on the musical scene, delivers some hard-hitting, jazz and soul stylings. Earth, Wind, and Fire has channeled the Beatles for a track or two ("Gotta Get You Into My Life"), but has "brought the fire" with some other memorable tracks, including "Shining Star," "That's the Way of the World," and "Mighty Mighty" that translates relatively well to the live setting. Chicago, despite lineup changes that have affected their sound over the years, has delivered some stupendous hits in the form of "Saturday in the Park," "Make Me Smile," and "Colour the World," not to mention later hits in the Peter Cetera-laden tracks "You're the Inspiration" and "Glory of Love," that latter of Karate Kid II fame.

Visit http://www.earthwindandfire.com/tourdates.html for more tour related information, including a nearby stop at Bethel Woods in upstate New York.

3. Rascal Flatts

They are one of the few country-rock acts to produce mainstream hits that display their collective talents of a band at its apex, one whose live show is truly a spectacle to marvel over. Gary LeVox has, arguably, one of the best voices in the music business, a set of vocals that is not compromised on-stage whatsoever. Behind LeVox are the talented Jay DeMarcus and Joe Don Rooney, both of whom convinced Gary to join their musical pursuits in a chance meeting at Printer's Alley in Nashville, TN in 1999. The band will feature material from their latest effort, Unstoppable, with former Hootie and the Blowfish lead man Darius Rucker providing support as an opening act.

Visit http://www.rascalflatts.com/?content=tour for shows near you, including a stop at the Toyota Pavilion at Montage Mountain in Scranton, PA.

2. U2

Mind you, you'd have to be in Europe to savor the majority of their summer tour, but the European Union's fanbase is as rabid as they are stateside, promising some shows that allow the band to build off the energy that pulsates from the crowd night in and night out. Throughout the 360 Tour, U2 will be showcasing material from their latest album No Line on the Horizon, which Rolling Stone magazine touted as a classic on the level with Achtung Baby. Most recently, the band headlined several shows to support President Barack Obama's campaign, candidacy, and inauguration, even going so far as to feature tracks from Horizon on a five-night run on the David Letterman Show in April. You would think that the non-stop touring and global advocacy would tire the likes of Bono and the Edge out, but their efforts have been channeled into delivering diverse sets that promise a near-religious experience for fans that come out in droves to witness their high-energy shows. Visit http://www.u2.com/tour/index/ for more tour information; they'll be stateside for good come September.

1. Dave Matthews Band

In having seen the band 8 times in concert, I can say, without question, that the Dave Matthews Band offers something unique through every single show they concoct, with setlists that portray a vast catalogue that exudes the good feelings of the summer season. The band boasts variety, various interpretations of their studio material, and jams that will leave you gaping in awe of the talents the band projects. In support of Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King, DMB will be putting on their first full tour without founding member Leroi Moore, the band's one-time sax player. With each show serving as a tribute to Moore, this summer proves to be even more magical than previous years.

Visit http://www.davematthewsband.com/#/tour for local stops that include Montage Mountain in Scranton, PA and Bethel Woods in NY.

V-List Crossover: Promenade Party

2009-06-14T23:08:00.004-04:00

As part of our crossover series, we ask that you check out some serious vloggage (vlogs will soon be a part of the V-List too, hopefully) on youtube. Head on over to Promenade Party, featuring some of our favorite collections of random vlogs, courtesy of V-List followers Dan Balton and Jake Williams.

Visit http://www.youtube.com/user/promenadeparty in order to catch some Balton & Williams hilarity (and for further work by the crew, check out our sidebar, which will stream Promenade Party vids as they are processed).

Album Review: DMB's "Big Whiskey"

2009-06-14T20:49:00.013-04:00

For the Fallen
In one of the more highly anticipated albums of the summer (a solid four years since DMB's last release, the ho-hum Stand Up), the Dave Matthews Band crafted another classic-in-the-making: Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King; albeit, this effort was completed without the band's sax player and founding member, the fallen Leroi Moore, an untimely victim of an ATV accident last August.

The term "Groogrux King" was a moniker the band created for the taciturn Moore, a man who often diverted interviews and public attention at every turn. Once called "DMB's soul" by one-time producer Mark Batson, Moore's jazzy influence was often the impetus for the band's signature in-concert jams, a man the band replaced with Jeff Coffin (of Bela Fleck and the Flecktones fame) at the time of his death for the remainder of the '08 summer tour and the remaining Big Whiskey sessions. Despite the switch, Moore appears to be all over the album, including its opening track Grux, an instrumental featuring Moore's sax and drummer Carter Beauford's rolling-thunder drums. The 1:41 minue-long clip is but one of countless highlights pouring through DMB's latest return-to-form, the 13-track bombshell that serves as a fitting tribute to the band's fallen comrade.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tim Reynolds

Perhaps best known for his supplementary work on Live at Luther College, Tim Reynolds has proven to be formidable with the axe, both acoustic and electric. With great ease and prowess, Reynolds, through countless acoustic shows with Matthews, helps fill the space left void by the band (after all, Matthews and Reynolds live is strictly a two-man show) with his innovative plucking, solos, and multi-layered effects, including pedal-work and use of the slide. He is now the band's "unofficial" seventh member (along with Matthews, Beauford, Coffin, violinist Boyd Tinsley, bassist Steffan Lessard, and trumpet player Rashawn Ross), as he is featured on a number of Big Whiskey tracks and is currently on-tour with the band, who recently played before a packed house at the Saratoga Performing Arts Centre in Saratoga Springs, NY. Simply put, his work on the electric guitar is mind-blowing enough to warrant (let's hope) a permanent stay with the band, who have featured his talents in one way or another for the past 17 years (since the band's inception in

Charlottesville, VA in 1992).

4. How about those vocals?

Most noteworthy amongst Big Whiskey's highlights is the vocal renderings of Dave Matthews, whose voice appears to be healthy yet again (for a time, the band had to abandon "Satellite" in its live sets because several ailments, including cigarette smoking and vocal chord strain, wouldn't allow him to reach the chorus' falsetto range). He's heard scatting, growling, crooning raspily (in a raw tribute to Moore, "Baby Blue"), wailing, and smoothly laying down some great vocals not heard from him in quite some time. Producer Rob Cavallo (of My Chemical Romance and Green Day fame, circa American Idiot) has beautifully captured Matthews's vocals that have become the driving force of the band's live sets, whether he's heard bellowing the "I'm on bended knee" lyric on "Bartender" or heard scatting on "Too Much" and "So Much to Say," two lively tracks from 1996's Crash. Simply put: very few effects are needed to refurbish Matthews's voice, an instrument that, even at Matthews's 42 years, remains as powerful as it ever has.

3. Whispers of "Big Three" status

When you think of Dave Matthews Band, there are three albums that come to mind: Under the Table and Dreaming, Crash, and Before These Crowded Streets, a trio of musical works that featured the band at its peak from 1994 to 1998. As a result of a grass-roots following, DMB rose from the frat house to the stadium, selling out show after show from one summer to the next...even playing as much as three consecutive sets at the likes of Giants Stadium and Fenway Park. While Big Whiskey will need to grow in order to reach "Big Three" status, its tracks have translated extremely well to the live setting, as first heard at the Beacon Theater, a show telecast on the Hulu Network earlier this month, the first of its kind. The band has truly returned to its roots with Big Whiskey, abandoning synthesizers and drum tracks in order to blend with the unique sound of horns and strings that made them the band they are today.

2. Carter Beaford on the drums!

For those of us who listened to Stand Up for the first time (DMB's last studio album, circa 2005), you may have noticed one glaring omission: the signature percussion/rhythm section that was the band's heartbeat. Beauford's feral drumming was oddly replaced by hip-hop drum beats that left the band sounding flat (quite fitting, when you consider the producer at the time was Batson, who had worked previously with hip-hop artist Nas). Thankfully, the mastery of the band's eldest member returns with some much-needed fury. Listen to "Shake Me Like a Monkey" if you don't believe me (a track that runs amok with horn-work by Coffin and Ross, as well).

1. Their Best Record in over a Decade

The mellow stylings of the band returns with the wonderful tracks like "Lying in the Hands of God," "Time Bomb," "Baby Blue," and "You and Me,"a sound combined with toe-tapping gems in "Why I Am," "Alligator Pie," and "Seven," all of which speak to the carpe-diem/universal love themes that have allowed the band to grow as chart-topping monsters and summer-concert heroes for the college coed and top-40 listener alike. Without question, Big Whiskey bests the likes of Everyday and Stand Up by a long shot, two albums that were considered clunkers by many loyal fans of the band. No doubt, DMB is back...and here to stay, thanks to the in-your-face return-to-form of the perfect summer album, Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King.

Top 5 GOONIE Moments:

2009-06-10T19:15:00.014-04:00

Jerk Alert! News of the Goonies sequel has sent me into a frenzy. This joyous information has awoken this blogger from his hibernation, and I'm about to blow. To quote Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, I'm like, "super fly TNT, I'm the guns of the Navaronne!" This is nothing like the sacrilegious remake of Footloose. It isn't even akin to the crappy remake of Willy Wonka. We're talking about the original cast members, and all the original players. Forget for a moment my recent diatribe on the fact that we don't invent any new intellectual properties anymore, because I'm talking about GOONIES. So here are my favorite GOONIE moments. Feel free to sound off in the comment section below!

Number 5: Either Andy lost weight, or she didn't come up in the bucket...

After a moving speech by Mikey, the gang decides NOT to take a ride up Troy's bucket. Too bad for him.

Number 4: That's what I call modern art...

Amidst the chatter and bickering in the attic, Mouth finds a moment to spread some love while rummaging through the "rich stuff".

Number 3: Sloth loves chunk (Need I say more)

Perhaps the most misquoted line from the film, this was a touching moment where two outcasts found each other. Sloth, you complete me.

Number 2: "I want to know everything..." "Everything?!"

Aside from taking a "doo doo" a la Chapelle in the back of a theatre, this deed finishes a close second place.

Number 1: Hey you Guuuuuuuuuys!

Here's to saving your friends with a little panache.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

2008-10-11T21:49:00.001-04:00

A CLASSIC SNL skit from Saturday, October 3, 2008....

Top 5 Phrases Mistakingly Overheard @ Bailout Cabinet Meeting...

2008-09-25T18:02:00.004-04:00

There's nothing funny about the prospect of another great depression, but anybody watching the last few days of Congressional meetings with interest could use a little humor right about now. Lest our lawmakers can reach a decision sometime soon it appears that the McCain/ Obama debate will be the least important casualty of the economic crisis. Of course the news media has been in a feeding frenzy over the whole ordeal, and I for one would love the meetings to be held in public for all of the world to see. I wonder what these Senators and Congressmen are talking about as our economic system goes down in flames. I have compiled a brief list of things which I would love to hear caught by a random open microphone on CNN.

5. Sen. Richard Shelby: "700 Billion! Do you realize how many Big Mac's you can get for that kind of money?!"

4. Nancy Pelosi: " Another 700 Billion dollars worth of work and Gretta Van Susteren's face will look normal."

3. John McCain: "But what if they have weapons of mass destruction? We should invade AIG!"

2. George W. Bush: "Fu^$ing January can't come soon enough!"

1. Barack Obama: "Holy Sh*@, now that's a lot of Change!"

Welcome Back! Fall Must See TV

2008-09-24T21:05:00.008-04:00

Hello everybody, it's so great to be back. We took a brief hiatus to straighten out our personal and professional lives, but rest assured the V List is back in action to bring you the best mental drivel on the Internet. Before I spew my mental garbage allow me to take the time and say how much we appreciate our readership. Despite our absence, many of you have faithfully come to the site to check up on our authors and thanks to Google analytics, your patronage has not gone unnoticed. We love our readers, and appreciate your support. With that said, let's get back to business. Much like our website, Hollywood went into a brief hibernation for summer, but now it's back with a vengeance. With so many new shows flooding the airwaves, we've picked five shows your DVR simply must record when it comes to prime time TV. The envelope please...

5. How I met your Mother

Like a fine wine, this show keeps getting better and better. For those fortunate enough to watch the season opener with a Star Wars theme, you know what I'm talking about. I always wanted to know how people understood the talking bear in Star Wars. Thankfully How I Met Your Mother delivers the answers.

4. Dexter

Spoiler Alert: After blowing up Dokes, how can you top season 2? Showtime seeks to answer that question with the third season of the lovable psychopath. If you haven't yet acquainted yourself with Dexter (and I'm not talking about the watered down crap CBS pawns off on viewers) then what are you waiting for? Do you really want to be the only one standing around the water-cooler that doesn't have a clue?

3. Kitchen Nightmares

This is the only reality show to make the list because it has all the right ingredients for a great TV show. Drama, heartbreak, and sass are cooked to perfection by Chef Gordon Ramsey. Don't be turned off by his other Fox reality show, this one is legit. Ramsey visits troubled eateries and shows why he truly is an iron chef. Warning to viewers, when you see some of these restaurants, you may think twice about ordering out next time.

2. Fringe

It the X-files for a new generation, and it's got Pacey from Dawson's Creek. Just when I thought I hated the FOX network, they go and make me love them again. Bravo J.J., you have another hit on your hands, and unlike Cloverfield, this one doesn't give me motion sickness.

1. Entourage

Who needs Sex in the City on DVD when you have this show? Jeremy Piven just won his millionth Emmy for his portrayal of Ari Gold, and despite a gloomy season finale last year, the crew is back and better than ever. Thank god Vince shaved his beard, he was beginning to look like Grisley Adams. Aquaman is Back!

The Power of the 'Stache: Beijing Style

2008-08-08T22:42:00.007-04:00

On the heels of the 400-meter relay, U.S. Olympic hopeful Michael Phelps cultivates his assault on Mark Spitz's record 8 Olympic golds in competitive swimming, doing it the only way he knows how: by sporting some manly growth. Although Jason Giambi has rid himself of the most masculine of fashion statements (fret not: Giambi hit three homeruns since going stacheless), Phelps serves his country like the stud he is.

I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC.

2008-08-07T15:44:00.005-04:00

In lieu of our "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" poll, the V-List presents to you a hilarious video that uses the recent success of Iron Man and The Dark Knight as its vehicle to pinpoint why one should be favored over the other. Although not as clear-cut a debate as the PC/Mac argument (Mac wins in a landslide, by the way), the banter between Iron Man and Batman is worth your time. Enjoy!

Long Before Manny was Being Manny...

2008-08-07T15:13:00.003-04:00

Thanks to GM Theo Epstein, Red Sox Nation has been cleansed of the subversive element that was Manny Ramirez, whose antics were no longer worth stomaching, even if he is one the game's righthanded hitters, perhaps the third best to don a Boston uniform behind Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski. Many faithful Sawks fans, knowing full well the impact Manny had on their ballclub over the life of his contract, were glad to see the game's most sophomoric personality switch coasts. Know that he has made some Los Angeles Dodgers fans ecstatic, we need to pay homage to the men who put Manny's tomfoolery to shame. Presented here are some of baseball's most lewd, crude, and downright foolish personalities.

5. David Wells suffered from a mild case of gout.
David Wells, he of perfect game fame (hurled against the Minnesota Twins in 1998), was said to have been drunk for the entirety of his pursuit in leaving an impression on baseball's history books. Apparently, not even a drunken stupor could compromise his assault on an achievement only reached in Yankee history by David Cone (one year later against the Montreal Expos) and Don Larsen (who hurled his perfect game in the 1956 World Series, an event commemorated on the same day that Coney threw a gem of his own). Prior to this historic season, in which Wells finished third in Cy Young voting, Wells developed a nasty case of gout, a disease normally associated with laziness and boozing; essentially, gout brings on immense swelling and pain to a sufferer's extremities, sometimes resulting in amputation. Think gangrene of a lesser degree. Although this condition deprived Wells of a large portion of spring training sessions in 1998, Wells would later miss starts during stints with the Toronto Blue Jays, Boston Red Sox, and San Diego Padres, clubs blessed to have a control pitcher who contrarily epitomized the lifestyle of a fatso. Like Manny, Wells was never truly known for rigorously training in the offseason.

4. Reggie Jackson was the self-proclaimed 'straw that stirs the drink.'
Our man Reggie, an import from the Oakland Athletics, was the Yankees' first million dollar man. Jackson, in many ways, defined the very idea of a big free agent signing, taking the Bronx by storm and pissing off the likes of manager Billy Martin and owner George Steinbrenner with his flashy accolades. In an pre-season interview conducted by SPORTS Magazine's Robert Ward, Jackson made a comment he thought was off-the-record, stating that he was 'the straw that stirs the drink,' a quip that enraged current Yankee catcher Thurman Munson, whose abilities earned him a title not given since Lou Gehrig last retained it: Yankee captain. And like Reggie before him, Manny remarked in an interview that he could play baseball anywhere and be happy, even if that place were Iraq; this sit-down was said to have been the final straw that resulted in Manny's 'amiable' exodus to LA.

3. John Rocker swore off the Number 7 train.
While at his apex as Atlanta Braves closer in 1999, John Rocker produced media fodder quintessentially associated with rags of the National Enquirer mold. While sitting down to a Sports Illustrated interview, Rocker eloquently summed up the city of New York by stating, "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." And if that weren't enough, the bigoted lout called his black teammate Randall Simon (who once took a bat to a racing bratwurst in Milwaukee years later) a "fat monkey." Sure, Rocker had every right to blast New York; after all, Met fans at Shea Stadium once threw batteries at him, resulting in a hocked loogie into the stands from a rankled Johnny Boy. Although the rage may be somewhat understood, Rocker truly revealed himself as a neanderthal in the interview and his legacy was supplanted as a man who tarnished the Braves franchise, not helped it with his fire-hurling capacities. Although not as disgusting, Manny once opened a door to the scoreboard in Fenway's Green Monster and relieved himself inside, all in the midst of an inning that was still in progress.

2. Rickey Henderson declared himself 'the greatest of all-time.'
Rickey Henderson holds the records for most stolen bases in a year (130) and a career (1406), runs scored in a career (2295), walks (2129), and games led off with a homerun (81). After breaking Lou Brock's long-standing stolen base record, the game in which he broke it was suspended so that Henderson could deliver a speech. Ever the attention whore, Henderson gave thanks to Billy Martin, his favorite manager and close friend, and emphatically touted himself as 'the greatest of all-time.' As far as what he was the greatest at (sure, the aforementioned remarks were outstanding, but he DID play 25 seasons in order to obtain them, the most in major league history), baseball fans aren't entirely sure. One thing is for certain though: Rickey's selfish ways were only met in baseball history by one Manny Ramirez. In the same interview about hypothetically playing in a war zone, Manny proclaimed, "The Boston Red Sox don't deserve a player like me."

1. Roger Clemens took the first half of the season off on numerous occasions.
In a moment that defined Yankee radio personality Suzyn Waldman's career, the Yankee organization welcomed Roger Clemens back for his second stint in pinstripes with a hero's welcome in May of 2007. This acquisition reportedly cost the Yankees an astonishing $28 million, a figure that was pro-rated to pay Clemens for his efforts throughout the second half of the season. Prior to this undertaking, Clemens performed this stunt only a year before for the Houston Astros, who allowed Roger to stay home on days he was not scheduled to pitch. Call it the "Clemens Precedent" (better yet, call it the "Brett Favre Precedent"); Roger, on two separate instances, held an organization hostage, knowing that the franchise in question was pining for his services and each was at his will. Now that we know where Clemens is heading, we can only wonder where Manny's is heading now that he will effectively be a free agent in the offseason; although teams will gauge Manny by his skills at the plate, teams should REALLY be looking at Manny for giving up on his team on a number of occasions, even blaming a phantom knee injury for not appearing in a portion of his last series against the Yankees in Fenway. Then again, that's only 'Manny being Manny;' why forsake him?

Honorable Mentions:

Mike Piazza called a press conference to state that he was not gay.
Babe Ruth performed on a diet of beer and hot dogs.
Mickey Mantle was a Hall of Fame boozer.
Pete Rose once ruined a catcher's career...in an All-Star Game collision.
Ty Cobb, the game's dirtiest player, received criminal charges for...*ahem*...murder.

Columbus was a Panzy: Book Review of 1421.

2008-07-31T21:06:00.011-04:00

The summer usually affords me time to curl up with a good book (or two) and disconnect from television (with the exception of Big Brother). To broaden my horizons, I cracked open Gavin Menzies' historical novel 1421, which focuses on the Chinese nautical adventures taking place during the reign of the Ming emperor Zhu Di. One need travel no further than the cover page for Menzies' unorthodox thesis, which states the Chinese discovered America. By cross referencing the title of the book with an old nursery school rhyme, Menzies places the Chinese in North and South American some seven decades before Columbus took his historic voyage into the unknown. While the book is considered blasphemy by the orthodox historical community, it unearths many fascinating pieces of evidence that are impossible to ignore. I don't want to ruin the book by discussing too much, yet let me say it is worth every page. Aside from the revelation that the Chinese were bad-ass explorers, here are some of the more random facts the book cited while making its case.

5. Indians sported pearls in their penises (for the ladies)

For some reason, Menzies chose to elaborate quite often on the sexual behaviors of fifteenth century India. One passage from the book cites Niccolo da Conti's account whereby he recalled the tinkling noises made when young men walked because they had inserted beads into their penis. The beads were inserted to enliven the sexual experience. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Gross.

4. Chinese trained otters to hunt for fish in the middle of the ocean

Seriously, forget having a trained monkey, I want a trained otter that can catch fish for me. I'm not even joking about this one. The Chinese affixed ropes to the legs of otters which could wrangle schools of fish into the waiting nets of Chinese seamen. So much for running out of food. The Chinese would launch these animals from flooded compartments in the holds of the Junk ships, which leads me to my discussion of Chinese ships and our next amazing fact from 1421.

3. The Titanic doesn't have sh^* on a Chinese junk ship

One of the many technological innovations which the White Star Line (creators of Titanic) marveled at where Titanic's watertight compartments, which could allow the Titanic to stay afloat even if it had begun to take on water. We all see how well that worked, but I digress. The Chinese used a system similar on their massive junk ships, some few hundred years before the White Star Line even existed. The Chinese also employed various shipbuilding innovations that would be copied by other nations around the world for years to come. You'll have to read the book to find them out. They're freakin' amazing!

2. Sea Cucumbers, when eaten, are an aphrodisiac

Much like revelation number five, this is gross. I'm going to turn it over to wikipedia to describe, and unlike other wiki entries, this one is real. Think of it as ancient Viagra.

1. Being a Eunuch sucks.

Zheng-He (leader of the expedition) was a eunuch. If you don't know what a eunuch is, look it up. The most disturbing, and oddly fascinating aspect of 1421 was the description of how Zheng-He became a eunuch and what it entailed. This is another fascinating wiki search, but I will warn you it is not for those with a weak stomach.

While I only listed gross and disturbing facts from the book, there are so many reasons to read it. Unlike other historical novels, it does not read like a textbook. Despite its outstanding prose, 1421's power lies in its ability to challenge everything you thought you knew about the world, while making you ponder about other lies history books propagated on our gullible civilization.

Top 20 Albums of All-Time (From Yahoo Blog)

2008-07-30T10:05:00.003-04:00

This article caught my eye when I was doing a search on Yahoo, so I decided to give it a read. There are some interesting albums listed here, and the number one was a total shocker! Check it out and see what you think. Maybe our resident music writer (Bryan would like to make a comment, or submit his own version?)

Facebook called, and you're application is pissing them off!

2008-07-29T16:50:00.020-04:00

Facebook has taken the world by storm because of its ability to keep in touch with people while creating a digital signature of your own. It is kinda creepy that you can learn virtually everything about your friends within seconds, thanks to minute by minute updates of their profile. Additionally, there are other applications that are created by third party developers which will try the patience of even the most peaceful individuals. In this list we pay tribute to the applications this author would like to see eradicated from the Facebook application catalogue.

5. The Entourage Application

While virtually every fan of the show is bound to organize their own Entourage of friends, it is a bit far reaching to think that one person could "roll with" over two hundred individuals. There are few people of historical significance that "rolled" with hundred of people simultaneously, and if one is comparing himself with Jesus, Gandhi, or Louis XVI, then they are delusional. I have no problem with this application, but seriously it should be limited since nobody travels, eats, and arrives with over two hundred people to one place with regularity.

4. Lil' Green Garden Patches

Stop sending me plants for a fictitious garden patch. Also, please stop sending me "pieces of flare" and fish for a fake aquarium. I hate accumulating garbage trinkets in real life, let alone allow them to clutter up my Facebook page. Some people really dig these applications, but I don't understand them. What is the allure of the garden patch? Is it aesthetically pleasing, or does it make one feel good that somebody thought enough of them to send them a fake plant? I guess it's the thought that counts.

3. What ________ character are you?

When I first arrived in the Facebook community I was drawn into these faux tests which can correctly predict what character you would be on your favorite show/movie from a questionnaire. After completing approximately two of these assessments, I realized what a pile of dung they were. Any twit with half a brain can manufacture the outcome of the test to say whatever it is they desire. Very few males want to be diagnosed as Marge from the Simpson's test, so they will fudge a few answers to become Homer or Bart. They should rename these applications "what character from ___________ would you like to be?"

2. The "V" List Live Feed Widget

The V List widget could be the biggest pile of trash in the Facebook application catalogue. In fact, it could easily be the number one on this list, but it pisses me off slightly less than the next entry. This widget took about fifteen minutes to customize using a combination of two websites and some html language. The final product was an application that will not run automatically when the page loads up. It shows that the widget is a movie (which in fact it is not) and then asks the person to click play. Upon clicking on the widget it will take you to another page where a 3 inch widget is set in the middle of a gigantic page, and has a feed of our articles and movies. What a rip off! Facebook should give me the freedom to at least develop an aesthetically pleasing widget that works. Curse you and you half assed developers kit, because now my application is being listed by some site in the blogosphere as one of the worst on Facebook.

1. Mob Wars

I am all about online gaming, however please don't pretend Mob Wars or Vampire Slayer are games, because they are not. There are thousands of other flash games that would be better suited for Facebook, but these two "games" are the most annoying applications out there. I don't mind people sending me invites, but at this point, I could literally be in about 15-20 different "families" if I had clicked the accept button. As a student of Godfather and Goodfellas, I would have been whacked several times over for betraying the advice of Michael Corleone. Everybody knows you never go against the family, something which I would have done some fourteen times over. I also tried vampire hunting and superheroes, but those "games" become equally mundane after a week. I you want to play some serious games, look me up on xbox live and we can do some real damage. As for the Facebook crap that they call entertainment. I'll pass.

NFL 'Fight' Songs

2008-07-29T00:00:00.003-04:00

In lieu of my post regarding baseball-related musical renderings, here are some (pathetic, I might add) NFL 'fight' songs, from the likes of the Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Miami Dolphins, and the Chicago Bears, proud minds behind 1985's Super Bowl Shuffle (the video below clocks in at seven minutes, plenty of time to cackle at Walter Payton's line about likening football to 'making romance'). Do tunes like these really get the fans up and at them? If so, aficionados of the gridiron are better off ignoring these songs and indulging in more tailgating and boozing.

5. Green Bay Packers

4. Miami Dolphins, Number One!

3. Fly, Eagles, Fly!

2. Pittsburgh, Here We Go!

1. Da Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle

Celebrating 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame'

2008-07-28T19:46:00.009-04:00

There is but one song about our national pastime that continues to be used regularly since its inception 100 years ago: Jack Norworth's Take Me Out to the Ballgame. Originally sung by Norworth's wife, the song has been reproduced numerous times (as it has every seventh inning at Wrigley since 1982, when broadcaster Harry Caray started the tradition; recently, it has been butchered by the likes of Eddie Vedder, Ozzy Osbourne, Vince Vaughn, and Mike Ditka), and yet, it was penned by an individual who had never seen the game played before. Since the song was written, several teams have produced songs that have incited rally cries and inspired fans to get behind their team. Provided for you here are several of those songs, complete with a Gene Kelly/Frank Sinatra version of Ballgame and the marketable talent of Batting Stance Guy.

5. Batting Stance Guy

4. Go Yankees!

3. Meet the Mets!

2. Go Cubs Go!!

Note about this addition: folk-singer and Cubs fanatic Steve Goodman penned the song in 1984, the first time Chicago played in the playoffs since 1945 (and sadly, the very year Goodman died). For the past 24 years, Cubs fans sing this tune in unison after every Cubs win; it truly is a sight to behold.

1. Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Can't Say I Saw THAT Coming...

2008-07-28T17:15:00.006-04:00

Here's to the highly unlikely in baseball: Bo Jackson's dominance of two sports, Ken Caminiti's addiction to cocaine (sadly ending in death), the Red Sox's 2004 ALCS comeback against the Yankees, the Cubbies' 100 year-long drought, the Mets' 2007 collapse (paving way for the resurgence of the National League champion Colorado Rockies), and Clemens, McGwire, Sosa, & Bonds standing little chance to make the Hall of Fame collectively. These teams and individuals watched as irony and karma struck destiny and glory square in the nuts, showing that any and all is possible---and surely against what you initially intended (row-sham-bow, anyone?). Below are five more storylines to add to the mix, all of which will affect the state of our national pastime, for better or for worse.

5. George Bush: The Next Commissioner of Baseball?
Our nation's 43rd leader, Mr. George W. Bush, will go down in history as America's most disgraced commander-in-chief, whose last act in the Oval Office may involve pardoning a self-proclaimed criminal (see Marion Jones). Prior to his tremendously awful tenure in the White House, Bush served as an adequate 'managing general partner' of Major League Baseball's Texas Rangers, who, under his watch, brought a thrilling close to Nolan Ryan's illustrious career. Speculation behind Bush's potential as baseball's leading man rose long before his stint as governor of Texas, as one-time commish Fay Vincent discussed the possibility of Bush serving as baseball commissioner in the 1990's. Upon leaving the White House, baseball commissioner would be an ideal position for W (unfortunately, it is a dream that will be put on hold due to the extension of current commissioner Bud Selig's contract). With Bush at the helm, who knows what would be in store for the game of baseball?

4. Mark Cuban: The Next Cubs Owner
With July dwindling to a close, Mark Cuban, boisterous owner of the Dallas Mavericks and Internet tycoon, has made the final cut (out of three others) as potential principal owner of the Chicago Cubs, a franchise bolstered by fans in love with the North Side's lovable losers. Imagine the Friendly Confines of Wrigley visited constantly by the NBA's most raucous (and most fined) owner, whose antics often earns the ire of referees and fans alike? Imagine a franchise of tradition (Harry Caray, outfield ivy, the post-game Go Cubs Go sing-along, the raising of the white W flag after each Cubs win, and the 7th inning celebrity Take Me Out to the Ballgame rendition) suddenly infused with new, albeit 'far-from-customary,' blood? Say what you will about Cuban's unorthodox ways (he, not his coaching staff, is often the one jeering at referees), Cuban has pumped enough money into the Mavericks to make them relevant again (they were a game removed from taking home the 2006 NBA championship after spending countless decades as the league's doormat). It's one thing to own an NBA franchise: it's a whole other to man one of baseball's most storied organizations. Mark Cuban may be the next man behind the curtain for Chicago.

3. Albert Pujols: Going Against Doctorly Advice....and Dominating
Prior to the 2008 MLB season, Albert Pujols came face-to-face with a career-altering decision: would he forgo the 2008 campaign for surgery or play through unbearable pain in order to continue his monstrous career and, perhaps, put the Cardinals back in the playoffs? The scenario that medical experts conveyed was rather imposing: Pujols, by agreeing to play, would be one errant swing away from shredding, perhaps even separating, the tendon that holds the elbow joint intact. Second opinions further suggested that Pujols could play, although he would be beset by gut-wrenching anguish. Ever the fiery competitor, Pujols opted to play this season, a juncture that has the Cardinals within 6 games of the NL Central-leading Cubs, all thanks to Albert's .353 average, 20 homeruns, and 60 RBI's, including a recent dinger that bested the New York Mets in 14 innings (on Saturday, July 26th). Now that is baseball legacy in the making.

2. Jeff Samardzija: The Cubs' Next Big Thing
Bo Jackson's turn as a two-sport athlete was logical, when you consider Bo's positions (running back for the Raiders and leftfield for the Royals) were dictated by his blazing speed. While contributing swimmingly in both sports, Jackson paved the way for the likes of Deion Sanders, who starred for the Atlanta Braves and Dallas Cowboys, among other NFL clubs. Unfortunately, Jackson endured a hip injury (later resulting in the condition avascular necrosis, which results in a shortening of the blood supply to the pelvic region) that abruptly ended his career in both sports. Enter Jeff Samardzija. In 2006, Jeff Samardzija helped deliver a 10-win season for Notre Dame, ending his career as an All-American wide receiver for the Fighting Irish. Due in part to Samardzija's success, Brady Quinn became a top-20 NFL pick, the heir apparent to Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson. Many NFL analysts thought Samardzija was pegged for a spot on an NFL roster, seeing as how his footwork was complemented by a set of hands that could reel in any ball thrown his way. But there was the matter of Samardzija's true passion: the sport of baseball. Putting a prestigious past behind him (Jeff holds multiple Notre Dame receiving records), Samardzija ended up signing a $16.5 million incentive-laden contract with the Cubs in 2007. Due to numerous circumstances (stellar Cubs closer Kerry Wood is on the disabled list with a sore blister and Carlos Marmol cannot get a handle on his location), Samardzija was called up to join the Cubs in their most recent series against the Marlins at Wrigley, a time when Jeff compiled his first major league save with an overpowering fastball and slider. Could this be the Cubs' answer in the bullpen that delivers the Cubs their long-awaited World Series victory? Manager Lou Piniella and a legion of Cubs fans sure hope so.

1. Rick Ankiel: From Bust to Boom
Ask your grandfather: what Rick Ankiel has accomplished has never happened in the history of the sport. At the age of 20, Ankiel began his career as a major league hurler, compiling an 11 - 7 record with a 3.50 ERA and 194 strikeouts, good for seventh in the league. Then came the 2000 playoffs. In spite of his outstanding stuff (Ankiel possessed a 97 MPH fastball and devastating curveball, both of which could deliver a strikeout), Ankiel faced the Atlanta Braves in the playoffs and threw seven wild pitches, five of which were hurled in one inning (the first time that had happened since 1890). From that day forward, he was never the same. The tumult continued in 2001, as Ankiel was sent down to AAA to work on his control. As fate would have it, Ankiel would never pitch in the majors again. By 2005, Ankiel opted for a drastic change to his career: he wished to channel Mickey Mantle, so as to become a power-hitting centerfielder. By 2007, Ankiel was brought up by St. Louis in a late August call-up. His major league experience would continue through 2008, where he is hitting .278 with 22 homeruns and 56 RBI's, wielding a glove that is worthy of best-in-the-league status. Human-growth-hormone controversy aside, Ankiel has proven his value in the mythology of treasured baseball lore.

Man of the World

2008-07-25T09:23:00.013-04:00

Team America! F-Yeah! That seems to be the dominant stereotype about Americans. You know, the one which implies that Americans could care less about other peoples of the world when it comes to our national agenda. While other nations view us as a nation of "cowboys" listening to country western music while eating hotdogs, I would share a quite different perspective. American culture is extremely diverse when compared with other nations around the world, and I believe that is something that should be celebrated. So today, honor our cultural diversity with one of these five activities that will make you feel more like a man (or woman) of the world without having to ever leave our native soil.

5. Take in an espresso in place of your morning coffee.

Instead of rushing around like a headless chicken take the time and sit down for a double shot of espresso. Go sit in a park, sip the beverage slowly, and take time to appreciate all the natural beauty of this country. If you want to feel especially cultured and have the chance, go to an art museum for a double dose of culture. I recommend sitting on a park bench, if only to watch others rush about their busy lives. Sometimes the one thing we forget to do in this country is sit back and appreciate the gift of life. That's something we can do better, and because of economic security (when compared with other nations) we have more opportunity than most to sit back and smell the roses. The first step is to get reconnected to the world and all the small wonders it holds.

4. Watch a futbol game on television

While this was much easier a few weeks ago when Eurocup was being televised a few weeks ago, there are still some exhibition games that one can catch on television if they look closely enough. While many Americans don't understand "soccer" and would prefer the NFL or MLB, I would invite them to take the opportunity to sit down with an aficionado of the game and truly learn its nuances and complexities. One will discover that there's a reason why most people around the world love it. There's nothing like watching a closely contested soccer match. World Cup, please return soon.

3. Rent a foreign film from blockbuster / netflix

Skip the summer blockbuster and instead take in a foreign film. You can earn extra bonus points if you watch the movie sans subtitles. Perhaps as a part of the experience you can cook cuisine in the style of the film and invite a few friends over. There are so many films from other countries that will not only broaden your horizons, but will entertain the crap out of you at the same time. This author recommends Pan's Labyrinth to begin your journey into the world of foreign film.

2. Go to a Muslim mosque, Jewish synagogue, Pentecostal church, Catholic church

One of the most beautiful Constitutional rights is the guaranteed freedom of religion that we have in this country. So this weekend take advantage of that freedom and attend a religious ceremony. I recommend going to another type of religious celebration other than your own. If you're catholic, take the opportunity to attend a synagogue. Call ahead of time and coordinate a discussion with the church elder or priest. Tell them you want to learn more about their religion firsthand, and what would be the best way to go about it. Maybe your shy and don't want to jump right in, but sit down and have a discussion with somebody of another religion and listen more than you talk. It will be a great experience to hear about somebody else's faith, while remaining firmly rooted in your own.

1.Register to Vote

Want to feel like you make a difference in this world? I recommend voting. If you haven't heard there's a little thing called a presidential election this fall, and your voice can have a very big impact. Sometimes people are turned off by the parties, politics, and candidates, but no single action (or inaction) will shape the course of the world more than your vote. It is not only a freedom which all Americans enjoy, it is our biggest responsibility. The next president will tackle major issues like the environment, poverty, and war, something that we all care about, regardless of how filled our schedules might become. Choosing the right person to lead our nation is perhaps the greatest thing one can do to ensure THE WORLD is a better place. As for this "V" list author, I'm going to spend less time running around frantically and take more time to smell the roses, and then blog about it. :)

Where y'all at?

2008-07-25T08:31:00.002-04:00

I've felt the same disturbance in the force...no not too many chili dogs, that sense of deep unfulfilled longing for the list...the deep need we all have for more v-list action. Where have the V-list cowboys and girls gone...well friends, let me explain with the following V-list.

5. Our girls won't let us.

You all may not know it, but despite our cromagnon looks (see sidebar) and annoying senses of humor (see 98% of our posts) Mike, Marc, Brian, and I all have committed relationships. And not just to our XBOX, but to women. HOT women (see cultural example, right). There was going to come a time when this constituancy was going to win out over even you our readers. Let's be fair though, how many nights is any self-respecting woman going to split time with a laptop? We needed to be reigned in and we love our ladies for it.

4. Carbon footprint

Al Gore emailed Marc from his blackberry in the private plane. He explained that for the good of the country and the world we needed to reduce our carbon footprint and while he subscribed to the RSS feed, often giggling softly at our quips, none the less he asked us to slow down for the good of the world. Marc blushed a little, then acquiesced. We have since been muzzled. (Brian Pol however refuses to be denied and for that he and he alone has become our underground hero.)

3. The joker scared the crap out of us.

We are nerds and were incredibly excited for the Dark Knight. Then we saw it and Heath Ledger's joker scared the living poop out of us. Now I know it's just a movie, but that's just what the nefarious Joker wants us to think before he launches another horrifying plot just for the fun of it. We had reason to believe all our bat-worship posts might have been us on the Joker's radar. So we decided to slow it down, play it cool, and wait for the man in the purple suit to find new prey.

2. It's summer!
My laptop gets quite warm when it's been on for awhile...my apartment is not air conditioned. I live in New York City. I am lucky to be alive, let alone blogging most night at my apartment. So while we love the v-list (psst, brian the "b" list my underground vigilante!) we also love swimming, and the beach, and driving, and going to the park and doing all the other things warm weather allow. So maybe we're taking a little impromptu vacation from the list...it's only because....

1. We have lives too.

I know you'd never think it. Working stiffs like us have a life?

Well "life" is a little loose. But there is stuff we like and need to do when we're not slaving for the man. 95% of these activities are legal and harm no one. As we indulge in binge of summer time relaxation, rest assured we have not forgotten the blessed V. So my fellow v-listers, take heart we may have slowed down, and we may not be the hero the blogosphere needs, but we are the hero the blogosphere deserves, we are the list...

WE ARE V-LIST!

Baseball's Unbreakable Records

2008-07-20T23:00:00.003-04:00

In a recent ESPN program entitled Unbreakable Records, Ozzie Smith, who won 13 consecutive Gold Gloves for masterfully manning the shortstop position for St. Louis (a feat that has not been accomplished by any position player), discussed the importance of ten remarkable feats achieved in baseball history by both team (the Yankees' accumulation of five consecutive World Series from 1949 - 1953) and individual (Eric Gagne's 84 save streak for the Los Angeles Dodgers). Prior to the show's airing, 160+ managers, players, and coaches in Major League Baseball were polled to determine the five most arduous records to reach in all of baseball. Brought to you here is this V-List contributor's re-working of this esteemed list.

5. Joe DiMaggio's 56 Game Hitting Streak
Pete Rose came the closest to DiMaggio's impressive mark, stringing together 44 consecutive games in which he was able to reach base via a hit (quite fitting, when you consider Joltin' Joe beat out Wee Willie Keeler's one-time record of 44-game streak of hitting safely). Upon going hitless in the 57th game of the streak, DiMaggio went on another 16-game hitting streak, which calculates to hitting safely in 72 of 73 games in 1941. During this season, perhaps DiMaggio's best, the one-time Mr. Coffee would not win the MVP; that distinction was instead held by Ted Williams, holder of another outstanding record for the ages.

4. Ted Williams's .406 Season
Arguably the game's greatest hitter (and the anti-thesis of quitting), the Splendid Splinter was going into the final day of the season having amassed a batting average of .3995, which would have effectively rounded up to .400, the first time the feat would be accomplished since 1930, when Bill Terry did so. Williams, as recommended by many Red Sox personnel, could have sat out the the doubleheader slated for that day in order to achieve this aforementioned exploit. Instead, Williams played both games, going 6 for 8, raising his collective batting average for the 1941 season to .406. Although George Brett and Tony Gwynn came awfully close, nobody has hit .400 since Williams accomplished the astounding deed in a year that would later live in infamy (the Pearl Harbor bombing would occur months after Williams's greatest summer). As his career average would suggest (.344), Williams was the master of the art of stroking the baseball, a testament to his poise and uncanny sense for dominating opposing pitching like nobody else could.

3. Nolan Ryan's Tandem: 5,714 Career Strikeouts and 7 No-Hitters
Ryan's efforts are ahead of DiMaggio's and Teddy Ballgame's for the sole reason that, in the modern era (post Bob Gibson, who compiled a a record 1.12 ERA in 1968), the game favors the hitters. When you consider (1) the mound has been lowered and (2) the fences have been pulled in through the construction/renovation of many contemporary ballparks, what Ryan did was extremely unfathomable. Randy Johnson most recently passed Roger Clemens on the all-time strikeout list, hoarding an upwards of 4,600 K's. In order for the 44 year old Johnson to pass Ryan, he would have to average 300 strikeouts per season for the next three years (something he hasn't done since 2002). What's more impressive are the seven occasions in which opponents could not register a single hit off of Ryan, the latest of which came in 1991, his 25th season in the bigs. His 292 losses (to his 324 wins) are not indicative of his prowess; for instance, in 1987, Ryan led the league in ERA (2.76), but compiled a win-loss record of 8 - 16, suggesting that Ryan was often the victim of poor run-support. At times, Ryan has been criticized for being erratic (he once walked over 200 batters in his season; in fact, his wild ways earned him a one-way ticket out of New York and California), but his ability to embarrass hitters was truly tremendous.

2. Cal Ripken's 2,632 Consecutive Games Played Streak
Consider this for a moment: the most recent player to come close to Ripken's streak since Cal broke Lou Gehrig's old record was Miguel Tejada, who played in 1,151 games consecutively, some 1,500 games shy of the mark Cal ended up setting. For Ripken to shatter the Iron Horse's record by some 500 games is a testament to Cal's immense capacity to play through bangs and bruises that have made mortals of lesser players. Perhaps the game's greatest shortstop of all-time, Ripken played the game with the ultimate sense of grit and determination that defined the outstanding ballplayer he was. For many, Cal was Mr. Baseball in Baltimore and beyond, the game's truest ambassador whose place in Cooperstown was well-deserved (an honor held in the same year, 2006, by San Diego Padres great Tony Gwynn, the modern-day equivalent of Ted Williams, minus the power numbers).

1. Cy Young's 511 Career Wins
During a time when homeruns were as rare as blue moons in the night sky, Cy Young (for whom the award for the annual best pitcher in the National and American Leagues is named) did things as a pitcher that will NEVER be accomplished, namingly his 749 complete games (Roger Clemens's 118 is nowhere near Young's mark) and 815 starts in a career. Through the use of five-man rotations, bullpens, specialist pitchers, and closers, and the restriction of starts made by pitchers (hurlers may reach 35 starts tops in an injury-free season), Young's feats have truly become a thing of the past, especially his career win total (guys like Greg Maddux and Roger Clemens, the best pitchers of the past twenty years, have only won 350 and 354 games respectively). Despite losing the most games in baseball history (316), Young's standard for winning ballgames is the most unbreakable record in baseball. PERIOD.

I'm Batman

2008-07-17T17:34:00.001-04:00

Ever since his appearance in issue #27 of Detective Comics, Batman has surfaced in a number of Hollywood adaptations, some laughable (Batman and Robin) some campy (the 1960's rendition), some downright awesome (Christopher Nolan's reworking of the Caped Crusader's chronicles). Voiced by Kevin Conroy in various animated series, Batman has withstood the test of time as DC Comics' premier figure, one who could rival Superman with his everyman appeal. Listed below are the five men who have played the Batman over the years, just in time for tonight's premiere of The Dark Knight.

5. Adam West
Nothing says onomatopoeia like a 1960's Batman fight sequence. In a series that brought you painted on eyebrows, the stylish red Bat Phone, and the Batusi, Adam West gave campiness a whole new meaning with his portrayal of the fearless knight of Gotham City, a character who seemingly took great pleasure in lecturing his 'gee-whillickers' sidekick, Robin. It's amazing the crap you tolerated as a child; watching this series now makes me cringe with every pun West delivers, not to mention those god-awful capers involving the Riddler.

4. George Clooney
Two words: nipple suit. Clooney's undertaking as Batman was so dreadful, not even an Academy Award nomination (Syriana), three Ocean films, or a touching timepiece (Three Kings) could rid our minds of the disaster that was Batman and Robin. There's a reason this film and portrayal has been bashed in numerous posts these past few days: Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze (he actually delivered the line, "Ice to see you!"), Bruce Wayne's puzzling use of a Bat Credit Card, and the use of too many damn villains made for a deliciously putrid addition to the Batman series, worthy of all the jeers they deserve. If you thought Spiderman 3 was unwatchable, you need to feast your eyes on this steaming pile of feces, a movie that nearly killed the franchise with its juvenile appeal and awkward tribute to the cheesy series that preceded it thirty years ago. Clooney, throughout the course of this dungfest, played Batman like nobody else could, by overacting from one tedious scene to the next. I imagine Batman and Robin would be the in-flight movie on a first-class trip to hell.

3. Val Kilmer
Kilmer's role as Batman was truly underrated, as he compensated for the uneven acting of Nicole Kidman and Tommy Lee Jones's pointless turn as Two Face. It was a pleasure to watch Bruce Wayne as he took Dick Grayson (who would later become Robin) under his wing, showing him the true meaning of fortifying oneself as Gotham's vigilante force. Although Batman Forever set the tone for the technicolor glaze that became Joel Schumacher's calling card in the two Batman films he directed, the movie, broadened by Kilmer's presence as Wayne, wasn't half bad. Even so, Forever started an ugly trend: using Batman for its commercial allure, going so far as to borrow U2 (during their glamorously strange Pop days) for use on the film's soundtrack.

2. Michael Keaton
Although diminutive in size and better associated with silly roles like Beetlejuice and Mr. Mom, Michael Keaton played one hell of a Batman. In fact, Keaton was far more believable as the Dark Knight than he ever was playing the enigmatic Bruce Wayne. Tim Burton's stab at directing the Batman series was dark and intruding, a look into Batman that brought moviegoers to the cinema in droves. Essentially, Keaton's portrayal of Batman was all about pleasing the women, as Wayne tickled the fancy of leading females Kim Basinger and Michelle Pfeiffer, flirtations worthy of a cold shower (like when Catwoman straight up licked Batman's face. Grrrrroooowl).

1. Christian Bale
The man who was made for the role of the Dark Knight, Mr. Christian Bale. For those of you not up on Bale, observe his body of work (The Machinist, American Psycho, The Prestige, 3:10 to Yuma, Rescue Dawn, etc.) and take pleasure in the superb actor he is. His balance in playing both Wayne and Batman (although splendid at Batman, Keaton's role as Wayne often times left something to be desired) is what made Batman Begins so startlingly good in the first place. Bale made Wayne extremely cool (his banter with cohorts Alfred and Lucius is priceless) and Batman a mystery to be unfolded. Just as Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones, moviegoers everywhere can take solace knowing that Christian Bale will be playing Batman yet again after The Dark Knight processes through the theater this summer. While we still wait for a sequel to Superman Returns and the slow death of the Spiderman series, Christopher Nolan's Batman will continue to impress with films that speak to the true nature of who Batman is and has yet to be.

The Verdict is In: Stay Away, Mr. Favre

2008-07-17T17:10:00.009-04:00

According to the V-List's esteemed audience, Brett Favre should ride off into the sunset and disregard any attempt at a comeback (a staggering 92% were against his return, a figure that speaks volumes about Favre's tired venture into prolonging a suddenly crumbling NFL legacy). As sparkling a career as the three-time MVP had, Favre has drawn ire from many NFL fans, from even the most diehard of Cheeseheads, who are ready to usher in a new era at Lambeau sans-Brett. Simply put, Favre is ruining Green Bay's prospects the way he impeded on Ben Stiller's chances with Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. Remember how that worked out for Stiller? Mr. Favre was left out in the cold, a Hollywood demise that hopefully ends the same way in reality. The V-List presents a definitive look at why Favre needs to call it quits...for good.

10. The short list of teams interested in Favre: da Bears, the Vikings, and the Ravens, three squads that (1) run, (2) play defense, and (3) have no substantial threat at wide receiver. That's like Joe Montana 'gloriously' ending his career with the Chiefs. Man, did he look ugly in that red, white, and orange get-up. Can you seriously picture Favre in a purple uniform? Yeesh.

9. Check out the Packer website and find the Favre headline, if you will; return or no return, Green Bay still doesn't give a f*%&. Mr. Favre, your former organization has moved on: so should you.

8. The longer he prolongs this, the longer we'll hear Favre mentioned in the talks as one of the five greatest QB's of all-time, a distinction he doesn't deserve. Did you know: the NFL's all-time leading touchdown artist (Brett Favre himself) also threw the most picks in league history.

7. Imagine the recall totals of Madden '09 if Favre were to sign with the Vikings.

6. Ponder if you will this scenario: Favre signs with the Vikings, the Packers' opponent on Monday Night Football, September the 8th. On Brett Favre Night. When his number is supposed to retired. That would be awkward.

5. Prilosec and Wrangler Jeans will have no other choice but to extend their endorsement deals for the graying superstar.

4. David Witthoft is going to get the bright idea to wear Favre's jersey for another 1500+ days...in a row.

3. Aaron Rodgers has become the equivalent of that pet fish you continually forget to feed.

2. Thanks to Brett, Trey Wingo of NFL Live officially crossed the line by referring to the retirement controversy as 'Favre-gate.'

1. Favre is monopolizing headlines with Keven Federline-like prowess. Will we recall Brett Favre the legend or Brett Favre the spoiled celebrity once this is all said and done?

The Dark Knight

2008-07-16T16:19:00.011-04:00

With vomit-inducing exposure to the likes of Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Bane, and Batgirl , movie-goers forced to endure the atrocity that was Batman and Robin had nothing good to say about a comic book franchise that had seemingly flatlined the instant George Clooney agreed to play Bruce Wayne's alter-ego, the third actor to reprise the role. With every star (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone) that signed on to to be a part of Joel Schumacher's Razzie-worthy project, the Batman story became more about marketability and less about comic book mythology. Seven years later, Christopher Nolan (mastermind behind the films Memento and The Prestige) opted to give the series a 'reboot,' recapturing the essence of Batman with a dark, introspective look into Bruce Wayne's psyche and Batman's principled origins. Thanks to Mr. Nolan, loyalists to the DC Comics production were given Batman Begins, one of the best comic book adaptations to reach the silver screen in recent years. Starring a devilishly good Christian Bale, Batman Begins thrived off gripping performances by Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, and Cillian Murphy, who parlayed the film's success into roles in Red Eye and The Wind that Shakes the Barley. Batman's revival allowed for a fresh take on the Caped Crusader, one that will continue with Friday's premiere of The Dark Knight, a film that needs no additional billing. Regardless, here are five reasons to engage in a summer blockbuster that will surely live up to the hype that Spiderman 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End could not.

5. Recall just how important Batman Begins was to the franchise.
It took the directorial efforts of Tim Burton and Schumacher three films before they decided to inject an origin story into the storyline of their collective Batman chronicle. Nolan, giving the crowd exactly what they it wanted, incorporated Bruce Wayne's martial arts background and clandestine findings of the criminal underworld into the lore of the Gotham Knight with his masterwork, Batman Begins. Batman never looked so dark (like Burton before him, Nolan paid homage to Frank Miller's mid-1980's portrayal of Batman), so militant, so aggressive, and above all, so human. His decisions affected the people around him and the city he tried ever so hard to protect, a pursuit met by Wayne's search for his identity and place in Gotham City. Wayne's story was rife with betrayal (Henri Ducard's expectations for a young Wayne's place in the League of Shadows), lost love (his fractured relationship with Rachel Dawes), and ambition (what can a symbol like Batman do against the crime lords of Gotham?). All in all, a bold way of telling Batman's story.

4. Thanks to Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman), Bruce Wayne will have more astounding gadgets to try out.

As part of Batman's origin, we understand how Wayne procured such mind-blowing technology like the Tumbler: it was all delivered courtesy of Lucius Fox, a character reminiscent of James Bond's Q. With each addition to Nolan's Batman series, fans will be eagerly anticipating the gadgets, tools, and vehicles that will be at Batman's disposal (in The Dark Knight, we will be introduced to the Batpod).

3. Out with the old (Katie Holmes's Rachel Dawes, Neeson's Ra's Al Ghul) and in with the new (Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent, Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel Dawes).
At the expense of dumping a boring portrayal of Dawes and a great villian like Al Ghul, The Dark Knight will be replaced by Thank You For Smoking's Aaron Eckhart (a brilliant film in which Eckhart, ironically, starred opposite of Katie Holmes) and a 'refurbished' Rachel Dawes, played by bad-girl Maggie Gyllenhaal. As is custom with any Batman film, the Caped Crusader, at one point or another, will face two villains, primarily, the Joker, secondarily, Dent's reincarnate Two Face. Dent plays an antagonist on a number of levels, going so far as to sweep Wayne's sweetheart Dawes off her feet. Despite the failure of the multi-villain approach (see Batman Returns and the aforementioned Batman and Robin), Nolan made it work in Batman Begins and will surely devise a way of making it work again in Batman's newest installment.

2. Heath Ledger's final performance will stop at nothing to impress.

Film veteran Michael Caine went so far as to favor Ledger's undertaking as the Joker over Jack Nicholson's, a role he was ultra-renowned for. Said Caine about Ledger's performance, "Jack was like a clown figure, benign but wicked, maybe a killer old uncle. He could be funny and make you laugh. Heath's gone in a completely different direction to Jack; he's like a really scary psychopath. He's a lovely guy and his Joker is going to be a hell of a revelation in this picture." While filming, Caine was so taken aback by Ledger's Joker that he could not recall his lines. Channeling the role of Alex in A Clockwork Orange, Ledger prepared for his Dark Knight act by living in isolation in a hotel room for a month, nailing the Joker's mannerisms, psychology, posture, and voice by the sojourn's end. Will it be Oscar-worthy? We'll have Friday's premiere to see for ourselves.

1. Batman is a superhero needing no super powers to fight crime.
Nolan's take on the series is as much about Bruce Wayne as it is the symbol he morphs into on a nightly basis, the Dark Knight himself. By extrapolating one of his innermost fears into a crime-fighting persona, Wayne, ever-so ferociously, battles past demons he felt he created in the first place (the death of his parents). If Batman Begins is any indication of Wayne's fragile mindset, then The Dark Knight will delve even deeper into Bruce Wayne's ego and ambition. Wayne's chemistry with Alfred (or should I say, Bale's connection with Caine) will serve as another great subplot that will only be matched by the Joker's pursuit of the Batman, the heart of a 152-minute epic that will deliver the goods---you have the word of this V-List contributor to back that up.

The Josh Hamilton Story

2008-07-14T23:12:00.003-04:00

Twins first baseman Justin Morneau, much like he did when he beat out Derek Jeter for the 2006 American League MVP, edged out a fan favorite to win the 2008 Home Run Derby, with a total of five homers in the final round of competition. His opponent? Josh Hamilton, a baseball legend in the making, who battled demons that made lesser men of professionals like Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, players who made inspirational, championship-inducing comebacks with the Yankees that pales in comparison to what Hamilton has done these past two campaigns with the Reds and Rangers. Should the season end today, Hamilton would win the MVP award outright, in lieu of his flirtation with baseball's elusive Triple Crown, last achieved by Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. To add to these feats, Josh won over a fickle Yankee Stadium crowd with a Mantle-esque swing that crushed a ball measured at 504 feet. In the first round of this evening's slugfest, Hamilton hit a record 28 homeruns (four more than the previous record holder, Bobby Abreu, compiled in 2005), his accomplishment met by 58,000 lauding crowd members emphatically chanting his name, the majority of whom were Yankee fans, that, in all the years I have followed the organization, have never glorified the accolades of an opposing player so passionately. Hamilton, as he proclaimed himself in an article featured in an ESPN spread last year, wished for a better life, one he found through family, baseball, and belief in God. Upon bowing out in the final round of tonight's derby, Hamilton committed a task that was perhaps more arduous than any addiction or pitcher he has yet to face: he gave praise to God in front of a legion of new-found Hamilton followers, a wave that has reached some tens of millions in light of the show he put on at the derby. Say what you will about his past: as Hamilton continues to joust with addiction, he remains clean en route to one of the greatest baseball stories ever produced in the game's fabled history. With 95 RBI's and 21 homeruns to his credit thus far, Hamilton is sure to impress with a strong finish to the 2008 season, one that conveys sports' capacity to allow stories of the human condition to prevail.

Please Don't Go: The Case for Yankee Stadium

2008-07-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

Despite the aura and mystique that Yankee Stadium has bestowed upon its in-house tenants, the Bronx Bombers (26 World Series championships, 39 American League pennants, and a gaggle of Hall of Famers), ‘The House that Ruth Built’ has been privy to several papal visits, the 1925 Notre Dame/Army game altered by the ‘win one for the Gipper’ speech, “The Greatest Game Ever Played” (the NFL’s first overtime contest, a 23 – 17 win by the Johnny Unitas-led Baltimore Colts over the New York Giants), Pele’s tenure as New York Cosmos’ striker from 1975 - 1977, numerous Billy Joel, U2, and Pink Floyd concerts, and boxing matches that featured the likes of Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Max Baer, Rocky Graziano, and Sugar Ray Robinson. Although many associate the Stadium with our national pastime, the Yankees’ home field is a sports arena that has attracted audiences of varying interests for nearly 85 years. Renovated in 1975 and 1976, a project funded by benefactor George Steinbrenner (a time during which the Yanks played their home games at Shea), the Stadium has developed an ambiance of winning, professionalism, and poignancy that has earned it the title of the Cathedral of Baseball. July 15, 2008 will mark the last All-Star Game (the Stadium’s fourth) to be played in the Bronx, while September 21 (at the earliest) may in fact be the last game contested at the Stadium, playoff berth notwithstanding. With construction of the new Yankee Stadium to end in early 2009, the old Stadium will be bulldozed, only to be recalled in history books and the minds of baseball fans across the nation. Should this deconstruction take place? This Yankee fan says no. Here’s a look at why:

5. There are no foreseeable plans to construct ‘The Bat’ at the new Stadium site.
Constructed as an aesthetic cover to an eyesore of an exhaust pipe, the 138-foot tall rendering of a Louisville Slugger stands as a meeting place for ticket holders looking to rendezvous with fellow fans sitting in their section before each game. ‘The Bat’ is a landmark by which all fans can relate and easily seek out, as it is the epicenter of the many vendors peddling hot dogs, pretzels, and pinstriped memorabilia outside of the Stadium’s gates. Although current renovations do include the upheaval of Monument Park (a collection of plaques that commemorate Yankee legends) and the inclusion of the trademark frieze atop the scoreboard (the white façade that lines the upper interior of the Stadium), there is no intention to include ‘The Bat’ in the current architectural state of the new Yankee Stadium. In spite of this exemption, the nonchalant uprooting of locker room artifacts and placards for their placement in the new Stadium simply will not be the same—it’s the equivalent of dusting off your old NES games and revisiting them for old time’s sake, knowing that your Xbox 360 collection currently predominates. Just as the old Yankee Stadium has transmuted into a highly identifiable landmark (with pennants and championship-caliber lineups compiled along the way), attempting to recreate the former Yankee aura simply will not cut it knowing what was previously sacrificed in the name of tending to the corporations and suits that will flood the new Stadium. After all, why relinquish a perfectly good product that still works just fine (Yankee Stadium continues to pull in over three million fans on a yearly basis, in spite of the third-world atmosphere surrounding the Stadium’s confines)?

4. Thousands of seats are being removed for more luxury boxes and party suites.
At its peak, Yankee Stadium held an upward of 70,000 fans (in 1942), a far cry from the 57,545 it currently holds. For various reasons (the infrastructure of the Stadium is too fragile to hold such numbers and baseball implemented the 'batter's eye' in all ballparks; hence, the 'black' and loss of hundreds of seats in right-center), Stadium architects were given no other choice but to modify the seating arrangements in order to keep the park up-to-date with its safety codes. The new Yankee Stadium will hold 52,325 fans at maximum capacity, a number that dwindles from the original capacity in light of Steinbrenner and Company's incessant desire to incorporate luxury boxes and party suites along the mezzanine, two measures that allows businesses to keep the Stadium's revenue costs in the black. As is the ongoing trend in the construction of new ballparks, stadiums are constructed with luxury boxes in mind, all in the name of procuring filthy money hand over fist.

3. Shall we call it “The House that A-Rod Built?”

Say this about Alex Rodriguez: with three American League MVP's to his credit (two with the Yankees) and the inevitable onslaught of Barry Bonds's homerun mark, A-Rod is worthy of the spotlight and a place in Cooperstown as one of the game's greatest. Even so, Rodriguez does not, nor will he ever, amass the same kind of 'Ruthian' resume that the Babe did. In light of the Black Sox Scandal in 1919, baseball was on the operating table, a sport in desperate need of a savior. Enter George Herman Ruth. His capacity for clubbing mammoth homeruns lifted the game from the Dead Ball Era and made the pastime worth following again. In 1923, Ruth's third year with the Yankees, the Stadium was constructed, an era that was forever fortified by Babe's dominance as baseball's greatest power hitter. Without the Babe, the Yankees don't go on to win four World Series during his Yankee tenure, nor do fans fathom the namesake that will forever belong to the old Stadium. Alex Rodriguez, arguably the face of the franchise, will usher in a fresh era with the new Stadium's construction, but has a long way to go before he deserves his name hypothetically associated with a ballpark.

2. The Ghosts of Yankee Past won’t take too well to a relocation.
When Yankee captain Derek Jeter waxes nostalgic about the ballpark he so masterfully made his own domain, he fondly speaks of its intangibles, the 'ghosts' who mythically manipulate games in the Yankees' favor. Now, imagine excavating the very grounds these spirits called home for so many years and you get a sense of the horror new Stadium architects are facilitating. Think Poltergeist II, when Craig T. Nelson realizes that the home he purchased in the first film was erected on top of a burial ground for deceased cult members, led by the demagogue pastor Kane. The spirits of these misled cult disciples were not exorcised in the first house and would follow Carol Anne wherever she went. Pretty terrifying, huh? If Yankee brass knew any better, they would ask for Pope Benedict's return to the Bronx in order to perform a service that allows the ghosts of DiMaggio, Mantle, Gehrig, and Ruth to rest peacefully. If not, we're talking a curse of Red Sox proportions.

1. Says loyal season ticket holders everywhere, “You expect me to pay WHAT?”
You better sit for this one. While you're at it, remove anything breakable from your reach, pop a shot of tequila, and prepare a bucket for possible upchuck. Currently, you can 'afford' a seat behind home plate at Yankee Stadium for $250. The same seat in the new Yankee Stadium will cost... (figure will be written out for much-needed emphasis)...TWO THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, ten times the original cost!!! Mind you, these seats will be catered, but unless Yankee ownership intends to defray the cost for a year's worth of groceries, you are s%$# out of luck. Many current season ticket holders will be expected to fork up twice the amount they already pay on their ticket plan. If they choose to not pay such a price, then to hell with them; the Steinbrenners will find somebody else that will. For a game that is sustained by the common man, an everyday Joe that can enjoy a game anywhere in the ballpark, whether it be in the bleachers or the upperdeck, the sport of baseball is willing to excise this fanbase in exchange for suits with gargantuan money market accounts. As the Yankees are willing to embrace this trend, you can say goodbye to the Bleacher Creatures that made the Stadium the experience it is today, while you nuzzle up to a yuppie who knows nothing about the game and guzzle that eight dollar brew of yours.

Nadal and Federer: The Rivalry

2008-07-11T18:05:00.002-04:00

In response to the epic that was the 2008 Wimbledon men's final, a video tribute to the greatest individual rivalry in all of sport. Nadal and Federer; legends in every sense of the word. Enjoy the spead.

The Governator Speaks!

2008-07-11T12:41:00.007-04:00

Before becoming the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger provided some of the best soundbites in Hollywood history. It is virtually impossible to quantify the awesomeness of Arnold in a mere five entries, however the following soundboard does a decent job at capturing the verbal genius that is Aaaaaahnold!

Just in Case that Wasn't Enough, Here are some more hits!

and my personal favorite...

Survival of the Fittest: V List Style

2008-07-11T08:00:00.004-04:00

Charles Darwin described the process of natural selection, stating that the species that was best adapted once an ecological niche was filled would survive. Darwin got me thinking, what if we applied his logic to Hollywood films. There are only so many films that can be made on a certain topic before the audience is saturated (or the ecological niche is filled). What if there were two films made on the same topic in the same calendar year? According to Darwin, one of those films would do very well, while the other film would die out and become extinct, having a place on TNT or even worse, the CW. The "V" list presents a new concept called pop-culture natural selection where two films go in, but only one will survive.

5. Volcano versus Dante's Peak

This is a tough battle because neither one of these movies deserves to survive. To quote Lewis Black, choosing a better film from this pair is like, "choosing between two bowls of s#%t, the only difference is the smell." Let's break down the components of each title:

Volcano sports Tommy Lee Jones while Dante's Peak enlists the services of Pierce Brosnan. (Winner: Volcano)
Dante's Peak is set in the cascade mountains (population 20,000) while the "Volcano" is set in the middle of Los Angeles (population circa 4 million). (Winner: Volcano)
Finally, Volcano melts a dude alive while Dante's Peak involves a lot of hot ash. (Winner: Volcano)

If you're a sucker for outlandish films involving geothermal catastrophes, then both film might suffice, however for the sake of this list, Volcano is the clear survivor.

4. Finding Nemo versus A Sharks Tale

Not only did both of these films use fish as their main focus, but both utilized computer generated animations and "A"-List voiceovers. Both Dreamworks and Pixar Studios continue to battle for animation domination, however this round wound up being an easy decision:

Nemo was geared towards children, yet it enticed adults with its heartwarming and dramatic storyline. Shark's Tale was more sophisticated and its humor was geared for adults, it failed at being as inclusive to kids and adults like Nemo. (Winner: Nemo)
Both films used amazing talent when it came to voiceovers, however Sharks Tale felt compelled to flaunt its actors, while Nemo subtly let its story speak for itself. I don't need to know that your film has Will Smith, Robert De Niro, and Renee Zellweger if your story is good. (Winner: Nemo)
Sharks Tale seems like a fish out of water story, giving the fish way too many human qualities. While the fish in Nemo can speak and think rationally, they behave like fish the entire time. The fish in Sharks Tale are performing stunts and exhibiting mannerisms more like humans than sea dwellers. It kinda turned me off. (Winner: Nemo)

Unlike Volcano and Dante's Peak, these movies are both worth your time. While there are thousands of fish in the sea, Nemo is the only one meant for us here at the "V"- List.

3. Happy Feet versus March of the Penguins

Everybody (except for James Rolfe) loves Penguins. They're so cute and apparently they can tap dance like Fred Astaire when given the opportunity. Choosing a survivor out of these two films is like trying to choose which child is your favorite. You love them equally for their talents and qualities, but since we don't have room for social niceties here at the "V" List, one of them has to be put down.

Both movies have excellent actors. Happy Feet enlists the vocal talents of Hugh Jackman, Robin Williams, and Nicole Kidman, however March of the Penguins uses the voice of god himself, Morgan Freeman. Obviously we think that Freeman is the man (we did an entire blog on his talents), therefore the winner must be March of the Penguins.
Don't get me wrong, March of the Penguins is a fascinating movie, but it doesn't have the replay value of Happy Feet. Children would prefer to watch Happy Feet over and over again rather than sit through the "boring parts" of March of the Penguins. (Winner: Happy Feet)
Of the billions of Penguin movies that were released in this year, March of the Penguins was the most remarkable of the lot. It won an Oscar for best documentary, but was embraced by a much larger audience. Even though it was a documentary it was remarkable in the fact that it created a narrative often lacking from a National Geographic Channel. If more animal movies followed this format, then biology class would have seemed more interesting. Happy Feet was fun, but it didn't break any new ground in the film making department. Happy Feet will enjoy no distinction, but will remain one in a series of animated films released in the new millennium. (Winner: March of the Penguins)

This is a really close call, but March of the Penguins is more edifying and groundbreaking when compared with the animated goodness of Happy Feet. Sorry we had to drive one of these films to extinction, but how many movies about Penguins can there be?

2. Deep Impact versus Armageddon

The concept was so nice, they wanted to blow up the earth twice. There's just something about hitting the planet with giant rocks that rings true to moviegoers. What is it about catastrophe movies that draws us in like moths to a flame? Hollywood was banking on our obsession with death and destruction when they made both these films, but moviegoers embraced Armageddon and rejected Deep Impact, here's why:

If you compared casts, Deep Impact should win hands down with Morgan Freeman and Robert Duvall alone, however none of the characters were ever given a great chance to show off their talents. Armageddon excels at bringing a crew of misfits together and making them funny. Almost every character in Bay's Armageddon interacts with others and has the opportunity to develop a persona that you actually care about. I felt myself rooting for the rock in Deep Impact because I didn't care who died.
Armageddon is funny, while Deep Impact is mad depressing. While Armageddon is not a comedy, there are moments where you can forget the fact that the earth is about to be annihilated and just laugh. Deep Impact didn't have a single moment where you could feel good about what was happening on screen. What a downer!
Bruce Willis blows himself up! One male friend (who will remain nameless) once admitted to me at a Giants game that he cried when Bruce Willis sacrifices himself in Armageddon. Wow! I know that Robert Duvall made a similar gesture in Deep Impact, but like I stated before, by this point in the movie you don't give a damn about any of the characters and hope the rock crushes them all. Any movie that kills John McClane is Bad Ass!

1. The Illusionist versus The Prestige

Perhaps the only exception to Hollywood Darwinism are these two films. While both focus on magicians, each one took a unique path in telling its story. One is a love story (Illusionist), while the other deals with jealousy and unhealthy competition. It's going to be difficult to pick a winner with these two movies, but I'll try my best.

When it comes to casting, both films do a superb job. Edward Norton (Illusionist) is my homeboy, but Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman hold it down in The Prestige. While I would pick Edward Norton against any other single actor, it's difficult for me to choose him over both Bale and Jackman in this particular instance. While Norton is the bomb with his performance, the exchanges between Bale and Jackman are incredible and are the source of drama for The Prestige. Without their collective efforts, The Prestige may not have turned out so brilliant. (Winner: The Prestige)
The twists in both films are so well executed. While I won't ruin either film for you let me say that when it comes to this category, I have to go with The Illusionist because it's rooted in reality. While The Prestige had an amazing twist, yet I was kinda bothered by the fact that it defied so many scientific laws and left my head spinning. I can suspend my disbelief, but what they suggested happened was just crazy. I like the fact that The Illusionist worked within the framework of possibility and much like the magician that frequents the FOX network, it showed us that not all magic is real. (Winner: The Illusionist)
The storyline is a matter of personal preference, so my suggestion here might annoy some fans of either film. While I just railed against the fact that The Prestige uses crazy physics to accomplish its big payoff, it was way more engaging than the love story of The Illusionist. I dig the fact that Illusionist accomplishes so much with less, but when it come to movies I want to be dazzled. I really enjoy a great drama, but neither of these movies compare with No Country, so I want to be entertained. Which story entertained me more? The Prestige. Please don't let my preference alter your decision as my recommendation is that you rent both of these movies and then buy a home magic kit for yourself to impress the rest of your family. (Winner: The Prestige)

I Feel Good: Our National Pastime's Finest

2008-07-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

Typically, the hours leading up to baseball's July 31st trade deadline are noted for a flurry of transactions that could make or break an organization's attempt at reaching the postseason. In 2008, the biggest blockbusters have already been made, as Athletics' ace Rich Harden has made his way to the Cubs in Chicago's response to the Milwaukee's acquisition of last year's American League Cy Young award winner, the robust C.C. Sabathia. In either case, the Cubbies and Brewers have made their intentions clear: they will work diligently to label themselves as serious World Series contenders. In lieu of these ambitious moves, the V-List takes a look at the best feel-good stories of the MLB season thus far.

5. Geovany Soto: An NL First
Pop quiz, hot shot. Who is the first National League rookie to start at catcher for the All-Star team? If you guessed Johnny Bench or Mike Piazza, you would be wrong. This distinction is held by none other than current Chicago Cubs backstop Geovany Soto, who proved his worth to the organization by mashing the ball in a late-September call-up in 2007. By hitting .289 with 15 homers and 52 RBI's, Soto, much like his compatriot Kosuke Fukodome, has invigorated the North Side of Chicago with tremendous flair and passion for the game. Many games have been won off the bat of Soto, to which the Cubbies are grateful, as they hold the best record in the National League at 54 - 36. Much like Dodgers' catcher Russell Martin before him, Soto has infused youth into a position once dominated by the likes of Pudge Rodriguez and Jorge Posada, who are at the tail ends of their respective careers. Here's to many more All-Star appearances by this Puerto Rican sensation, who just might aid his ballclub in taking home the franchise's first World Series in 100 years.

4. The Kid Goes for 600
Injuries have derailed promising careers of legends (Sandy Koufax) and near Hall of Famers (Don Mattingly) alike. For Ken Griffey, Jr., arguably the game's best all-around player in the 1990's, "The Kid" watched as his assault on Hank Aaron's homerun mark crumbled, simply because his move to the Cincinnati Reds has brought nothing but injury after career-threatening injury. Even so, in a June contest against the Florida Marlins, Griffey continued to utilize his sweet power stroke as he reached career dinger #600 (and counting) for his illustrious career. Although Barry Bonds has already surpassed Aaron's record, it's Griffey's career that moves baseball fans the most, simply because Griffey is a man of class and passion, one who plays the game each and every day like a Little Leaguer awaiting the reward of an ice cream cone at the end of a Reds' victory.

3. Tim Lincecum: Diminutive Size, Behemoth Effort
The folklore surrounding Giants' lefthander Tim Lincecum is astounding when you consider little Timmy was 4'11" entering his freshman year of high school. Some ten years later (and a foot taller), Lincecum dazzles fans by the Bay with 98 MPH heat, a weapon that has delivered 10 wins, a 2.49 ERA, and 122 strikeouts for a team depleted by the departure of many talented ballplayers, including Barry Bonds. Lincecum first burst onto the scene on an ESPN broadcast of Sunday Night Baseball on May 6, 2007. With a freakish stride of seven and a half feet, 129% of his height (most major leaguers average a stride that is 83% of their height), Lincecum has given Giants fans a reason to show up to the ballpark, knowing that their ace of the future has many more gems left to bestow upon San Francisco followers willing to wait for a Renaissance in the Bay City.

2. Jon Lester: No-Hitting Cancer Survivor For the first time in Boston Red Sox history, two Boston hurlers pitched consecutive no-hitters from 2007 to 2008, the first completed by Clay Bucholz on September 1, 2007, the latter accomplished by Jon Lester on May 19th of this season. What is especially awe-inspiring about Lester's feat was the fact that only a year ago had Jon battled lymphoma, a form of cancer. Upon his return from chemotherapy and radiation treatment in August of last year, Lester returned to the organization and pitched in the decisive fourth game of the 2007 World Series, an effort that delivered Boston's second title in four years. In Lester's no-hit effort, Jason Varitek was behind the plate, a catcher who ended up calling his fourth no-hitter, an MLB record (an achievement he endured with Lester, Bucholz, Derek Lowe, and Hideo Nomo, all pitchers for the Red Sox).

1. How About Them Rays?
Upon joining the Rays in April of this year, third baseman Evan Longoria surfaced as the next big thing in Tampa Bay, hitting .270 with 16 homeruns and 47 RBI's at age 23. Longoria anchors a lineup strengthened by the likes of Carl Crawford, Dioner Navarro, Carlos Pena, B.J. Upton, and Jonny Gomes, a group that has led Tampa Bay to the best record in baseball at 55 - 34. As if the hitting corps weren't remarkable enough, the Rays are further stabilized by a pitching staff led by Scott Kazmir, Andy Sonnanstine, Matt Garza, James Shields, and Edwin Jackson, a young quintet that will later be revitalized by star prospect David Price, who is currently dominating Double-A. Managed by Joel Maddon, the Rays are on the fast track toward taking the AL East divisional title, as the squad currently holds a lead of 7.5 games ahead of the Yankees and 4.5 games ahead of the Red Sox. In a season peppered with surprises (the Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins), the Rays are at the forefront of an enticing AL East race that will come down to the season's final weeks, a juncture no Rays fan could have envisioned, even Dick Vitale, a season-ticket holder since the team's inaugural season in the bigs.

The Forecast Calls for Carl Weathers

2008-07-10T11:00:00.007-04:00

He is The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer and The Count of Monte Fisto. He is the one, the only...Carl Weathers. You thought he was gone, but he's never gone. He just changes with the seasons. Here are five of this Canadian-born actors high points. Grab your umbrella. It's reigning Carl!

5. Credit Unions of Washington
Just when you thought he wasn't relevant anymore, the man, the myth, the Carl comes back with this incredibly strange ad campaign called Change is Beautiful. He rides a bike, talks about Marie Curie and inspires cubicle dwellers everywhere to smile. Weathers Forecast: sunny skies!

4. Predator
As Dillon in this classic John McTiernan action flick, Carl is the trusty sidekick of everyone'sfavorite ass-kicker, Ahnuld. In the end, the Predator proves to be too much for Dillon. Hey, not everyone can be like Danny Glover in the sequel. Weathers Forecast: hazy, hot and humid with a high chance of severe headhunting.

3. Action Jackson
How's this for marketing? NAME: Jericho Jackson NICKNAME: "Action" HOME: Detroit PROFESSION: Cop EDUCATION: Harvard Law HOBBY: Fighting Crime WEAPON: You're looking at 'em. Carl gets some Sharon Stone action and play from Vanity, post-Prince and pre-Born Again Christian. Not to mention his nemesis is Craig T. Nelson. Coach! The Weathers Forecast calls for some serious dry heat. It is highly recommended you drink a lot in these conditions.

2. Happy Gilmore
As Chubbs Peterson, the one-handed ex-golf pro, Carl brings wisdom and insight into the world of Adam Sandler's Happy Gilmore. Chubbs also memorably dies falling out a window when Happy shows him the dead alligator that took his hand. Poor Carl can't catch a break. First the Predator, then a Gator. Weathers Forecast: easy, breezy, with scattered Bob Barker storms.

1. Rocky
There is no escaping the man who had never been taken the distance before stepping in the ring with The Italian Stallion. Apollo Creed is a bad, bad man. Or at least he was, until the Russian Ivan Drago said he "vill lose" and took his life. What is it with Carl and his characters dying off? No wonder he's taken to riding the philosophical bicycle in his latter years. Regardless, you can't question his style as Apollo. Who else could rock the red, white and blue and dance to James Brown with boxing gloves on? Only Carl. Only Carl. Weathers Forecast: Hurricane force followed by Siberian avalanche.

Tune into Big Brother 10: Here's Why

2008-07-10T05:00:00.009-04:00

In a television season shrouded by a lengthy writers' strike, CBS has opted to reward its viewing audience with two editions of the hit reality series Big Brother, a competition that dwindles a band of thirteen competitors down to one, who stands to bring home half a million dollars. On a weekly basis, house guests compete for the Head of Household (HOH), who is given the liberty of choosing two potential individuals to be evicted. Of those in danger of eviction, a test of endurance or trivia knowledge is implemented for the coveted Power of Veto (POV), which gives the person holding it the power to (1) take him or herself off the block (if they have been nominated) or (2) take an evictee off the block, thereby forcing the HOH to make another choice for eviction. At the end of a given week, CBS hosts a live eviction in which current house guests (with the exception of the HOH and the two nominated evictees) vote on who they wish to be removed from the Big Brother house. Every subsequent week, various competitions bring forth new HOH's (a Head of Household may not have the distinction for consecutive weeks) and new opportunities to achieve POV. All in all, Big Brother is a riveting game of strategy, controversy, and drama that entices viewers three days a week (Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, the last of which is a live eviction episode). Observe why you should get caught up in a reality show craze that has entertained American audiences for nine years running and will captivate reality show aficionados starting this Sunday at 8:00 PM.

5. A Game of Gimmicks
Although the most recent edition of the show (Big Brother 9: 'Til Death Do Us Part) was nearly destroyed by a gimmick (house guests were paired up as couples and were evicted as a pair), the show has the tendency to thrive off of twists. Take for example Big Brother 8, a show driven by two twists: (1) select house guests knew one another on some level (for instance, Dustin and Joe were ex-boyfriends forced into a tense living situation and expected to compete) and (2) America's Player was chosen, a distinction held mightily by Eric Stein, whose game play was altered by the will of America. Voters would force Eric to do several things, including (a) persuading the HOH into making his/her evictee choices, (b) voting off an elected competitor on the eviction block and (c) completing tasks that would earn America's Player money. Despite submitting to the wishes of Big Brother viewers, Eric made it into the top four, a standing he more than likely would have improved on had he not been America's Player (after all, the way he wished to play the game was severely compromised).

4. The Best of Survivor + The Best of Real World = Big Brother
Big Brother combines the best elements of Survivor (tense competitions involving strength, strategy, and endurance) and Real World (high-strung drama at every corner) in order to create a brand of unique reality show intrigue. Players hook up, house guests get crapped on, and individuals struggle to survive knowing that a tremendous amount of money is at stake, along with the construction of a reputation as a keen, observant, and cold-blooded combatant. These facets of the game are what makes Big Brother an altogether must-see event, an experience further enhanced via Showtime's Big Brother After Dark (uncensored live feeds!).

3. In This Game, Cheaters Do Prosper

As a prerequisite for applying to the show (ordinary people looking to be a part of the Big Brother experience must fill out a 14-page application, complete with an audition tape), soft-mannered, honest folk need not apply. Alliances are formed and broken by those looking to catapult themselves to the top, even if it comes at the expense of cutting throats and driving daggers into the backs of unknowing house guests. The most notorious pairing, featured in Big Brother 7: All-Stars, was the self-proclaimed Chill Town (a reincarnation of an alliance started in Big Brother 2), comprised of Will Kirby and Mike Boogie, who shafted various females (in relationships they called 'showmances') in order to achieve victory. Despite their conniving ways, Will and Mike proved to be two of the most memorable and skilled competitors on the Big Brother stage.

2. A Cast of Characters You Love to Hate

Often times, the players you hate the most (Big Brother 8's Jen and Evel Dick) are the ones who make the biggest strides in the game, simply because it's their antics (playing mind games, keeping empty promises, etc.) that define their grand plan in spite of the ill-will and hatred they produce. As fate would have it, the more obnoxious the player, the more likely they are to move forward in the competition. Often times, it's the 'floaters' (those not choosing sides in an alliance, those who keep to themselves, those who continually 'do the right thing') who draw more ire than the hated ones, simply because it's the loathed players that are, in essence, engaging in the game, not simply biding their time from one eviction to the next. Additionally, the greater levels of obnoxious behavior are what draws you into Big Brother like quicksand. After all, aren't we all gluttons for a gloves-off, expletive-laden tirade?

1. It's an International Sensation!
First initialized in the Netherlands in 1999, then popularized in England for the early part of the 21st century (fans of the show can, at any time, watch seven different live feeds through a digital cable box in Britain), Big Brother currently airs in 70 different countries, hosting 43 varying Big Brother competitions on a yearly basis. Tasting success akin to David Hasselhoff/Pamela Anderson's global craze Baywatch, Big Brother continues to utilize similar formats that play out differently from one country's version of the show to the next. In this summer season of unwatchable television, take a chance on Big Brother; you'll soon be hooked!

ABBA Lives!

2008-07-09T05:00:00.005-04:00

Thanks in part to the release of Hollywood's rendition of the Broadway smash hit Mamma Mia, men across America are letting out a collective groan knowing that they'll be expected to take their respective wives and girlfriends to the theaters upon its release on July 18 (the same day bromances everywhere are to unite for The Dark Knight). Based on the Tony Award-winning production, Mamma Mia is heavily rooted in a tradition that gave it life in the first place: the catchy music collection of the Europop sensation ABBA, an acronym for the group's members (Agnetha, Björn, Benny, Anni-Frid). As reported on the July 7th edition of Mike and Mike in the Morning, an ABBA museum will open in 2009, giving the masses the chance to enjoy ABBA's true-blue splendor. Further investigated on the show, by co-host Mike Greenberg, was man's futile attempt to bash ABBA's musical stylings, only to find himself tapping his feet and singing along to ABBA lyrics, regardless of how long he has been a man-card carrying member of the collective male fraternity (man's man Mike Golic couldn't help but jive to every ABBA track Greeny played for him). Presented to you here are several timeless, if not hypnotic, videos of the ABBA persuasion. Bask in all of its Swedish pop cheesiness!

5. Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)

4. Mamma Mia

3. Fernando

2. Take a Chance on Me

1. Dancing Queen

The Power of the 'Stache: Lanny McDonald

2008-07-08T19:45:00.006-04:00

Lost in a decade of Wayne Gretzky, the tail end of the New York Islander dynasty, and the dominance of the Edmonton Oilers was the stellar play of the Calgary Flames, winners of Lord Stanley's Cup in 1989 (the only time the franchise would have the luxury of hoisting the Cup). The Flames were led by the incomparable Lanny McDonald, he of the flaming red moustache, who took the team's decor of red, orange, and yellow to a whole new level with lip fuzz that puts many to shame. In the most recent edition of Sportscenter, ESPN has been swept away by the Moustache Revolution, airing a segment that paid homage to the greatest moustaches in all of sport, a list aptly handled by one Lanny McDonald, Calgary great, Hall of Famer, and proud donner of the impeccable walrus moustache. This post belongs to you, Mr. McDonald. We hardly knew ye.

Epic Sports Battles

2008-07-08T16:24:00.012-04:00

In the year that brought us the greatest Super Bowl in recent memory, 2008 has made room for some memorable sports moments, stories, championship battles, and headline grabbers. Posted here are epic battles in sport to get you through a summer that is bound to bring us some wonderful games of baseball.

5. 2008 Beijing Olympics: Team USA vs. the World
The original Dream Team, having competed in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, looms over the 2008 team like a finger-pointing specter who proclaims, “You intend to win gold in Beijing without the likes of Duncan and KG? HA!” The Round Mound of Rebound himself, Mr. Charles Barkley, led the 1992 edition in scoring (18.0 points per game) and field goal percentage (71%), in addition to being fortified with the inside presence of NBA superstars Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, and David Robinson. 2008’s team, on the other hand, has Superman (Dwight Howard) and two undersized big men (Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer), hardly the equivalent to the Dream Team’s meaty interior. Add to that a lanky Tayshaun Prince and the selfish tandem of Michael Redd, Kobe Bryant, and a Carmelo Anthony, and you have a team destined for another bronze medal, no matter what competitors like Lebron James and Chris Paul can offer. Just as the NBA has been infiltrated by international players galore (Manu Ginobili, Dirk Nowitzki, Yao Ming, Tony Parker, etc.), the league's best can expect to be challenged by the likes of China and Argentina. Does Coach K have enough to rid the American conscious of the 2004 Olympic mess? Only time will tell.

4. Brett Favre vs. the Packer Faithful
The very thought of Brett Favre returning to the NFL, especially after witnessing this hero diminished to a blathering mess of tears, is difficult for this sports fan to swallow when you consider that Green Bay's finest has toyed with the fanbase's hearts for three years running. Will he retire? Won't he retire? To hear Brett's brother and mother discuss his return garnered some rolling of the eyes, but the latest report of Favre text-messaging his former general manager has many of us pleading "ENOUGH!" After bringing his team to the brink of the Super Bowl in his 'final' season (in spite of many experts picking Green Bay to miss the playoffs), Favre has done all he could for the sake of this team. One Super Bowl championship. Three consecutive MVP's (an NFL first). Why follow in the footsteps of Michael Jordan and Joe Montana, who limped into retirement after failing to lead sub-standard organizations to glory (the Wizards and Chiefs respectively)? The Packers GM clearly won't return his calls, the fans are a little tired of his premature retirement antics, and Aaron Rodgers, his heir apparent, more than likely would impose a curse on the Favre family complex. Besides, if Favre returns, he has that whole Madden cover curse to fret about. And if there is any indication of how the Packers franchise currently feels about the Wrangler-donning QB, check their official website: there is not a single mention of brouhaha he has singlehandedly created these past few nights.

3. The A-Rod Divorce Debacle
The tabloid headline powerful enough to stop the presses: Alex Rodriguez becomes a Kabbalist in the name of Madonna while Cynthia, the former Mrs. A-Rod, canoodles with Lenny Kravitz in Paris. The sheer mystique of this story evokes the days of K-Fed and Spears, perhaps taking infidelity, poor parenting, and selfish antics to a whole new level of travashamockery. C-Rod, as they are calling her in various entertainment media circles, is no fool: her divorce settlement will entitle her to half of A-Rod's yearly income, a sum of money she could manage a third-world nation with. Rumor has it, A-Rod, Kravitz, and Madonna share the same agent/publicist, so either (1) these events could not have come at a better time for said agent or (2) we have a shameless publicity stunt on our hands. While A-Rod continues his assault on the record books (he recently tied Mickey Mantle with homerun # 536), C-Rod is intent on turning those millions into Gucci and Prada, all the while neglecting (along with her ex-beau) the welfare of two oblivious children.

2. Kobayashi vs. Chestnut II: Sudden Death Elimination
As Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate most recently proved at the U.S. Open, sports competition doesn't get any better than two warriors pitted against one another in sudden death overtime. Witness the gluttony of July 4, 2008 in Brooklyn, NY: at the end of regulation, after having imbibed 59 tube steaks comprised of processed pig entrails, snouts, and God knows what else, Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi reached a competitive eating stalemate, a Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest first (as if eating a family of four's quota of annual hot dog intake wasn't enough, Chestnut and Kobayashi competed in the Krystal Square Off, a burger eating contest that saw Chestnut ingest an astounding 103 beefcakes in a single sitting in 2007). The overtime round was a five hot dog eat-off in which the quickest man won, the defending champion Chestnut. And what does he win, Rod? A bank-busting $10,000 check and three days worth of heartburn, not to mention national coverage on ESPN. So worth it, right down to the last bite and subsequent hurlfest.

1. Nadal vs. Federer: 2008 Wimbledon
Sunday's men's final match between 6-time Wimbledon champ Roger Federer and clay court guru Rafael Nadal (who has won a remarkable 81 matches on his surface of choice) may go down as not only 2008's best, but one of the best in sports. Ever. On the line throughout this particular match was Federer's streaks of 65 wins on grass courts (surpassing Bjorn Borg's one-time record of 41) and 40 consecutive Wimbledon victories, one shy of Bjorn's mark. A win by Nadal would put the brakes on Federer's Wimbledon dominance and open the door to a new breed of champion: one of power, finesse, fire, and tenacity, all at the age of 22. Clocking in at nearly five hours, the match was nothing short of gladiatorial, a bout worthy of Bird-Magic, Ali-Frazier type status, a true clash of tennis titans. Each player rose to the challenge by accomplishing feats (knee-buckling serves, indomitable backhands, and cross-court shots) that expounded and exhausted each other's repertoire. Those lucky enough to enjoy this match, including less than humble John McEnroe, regarded it as "the greatest match ever played." May August's U.S. Open bring the same level of competition in another potential bout between these two incomparable rivals, a pairing that epitomizes sports at its most efficient.

Top Five Reasons You Should Write for Policy Thought

2008-07-05T22:00:00.003-04:00

When not blathering on about how Kinko's should meet the same fate as old yeller, and rambling on about how man-cards are won and lost, I blog on politics and policy over at policythought.blogspot.com (see widget), of course I don't work alone. Marc V (of the list) and Mike Ruby are also policy-thinkers of great renown.

But we can't do it alone. Policy Thought is looking for more bloggers to join our team. And so I decide to pen a list of the top five reasons YOU should start blogging on policy thought. Once this list entices you to join the team, drop a comment or shoot an email to policythought@gmail.com

#5. Because You're Smart.

We love a good debate over at thinkPOP, and we need smart people to spur new ones. We strive to avoid the kind of numb-skull yelling you find on the comment boards at Politico or Washington Post. We want point and counter point, thought and counter thought, you get the idea. Whether is a debate topic or an observation about our culture, we want diverse, interesting conversation.

#4. Because you HATE politics

You care about the environment and taxes and energy, and the economy. Not if Hillary wore a pink pantsuit on national breast cancer day. You don't care about the horse race or the latest polls. You care about the country and world, you read or watch something and you want to talk about it, and get others to do the same...that's why you write for Policy Thought.

#3. You have a Specific Interest

Marc V. is a teacher so our debates on education are robust. Mike R. is an ad-man so our discussions on media are always engaging. I work in lighting, so I talk energy efficiency. None of us are limited to our area of expertise, but it drives how we work. Maybe you're a teacher, or a cab driver, or a nurse, or lawyer, or a college student. Whomever you are we want to hear you talk about how national policy effects YOU.

#2. You're a Karl Rove Loving Neocon/You're a Ralph Nader loving Greeny

We like minority points of view. Not because we always agree, but because our debates are too often on the one hand and on the other style, we don't offer enough variety of opinion and thats no good. Got a Rush Limbaugh Bumper sticker?, we want to hear from you. Think Nader should be included at the debates?, lets talk.

#1. We may actually make money!

Our readership is growing steadily month to month and the addition of more voices only adds to the potential pool of readers and "viral" spread. Once we reach a critical mass of readers, and ad revenue starts coming in, the wealth will be distributed to all Policy Thinkers. I don't recommend blogging as a path to riches, but if those riches come, we'll share the wealth!

I am Tiger Woods

2008-07-04T21:59:00.004-04:00

Throughout the course of his illustrious career, Tiger Woods has topped the PGA's gross winnings list an astonishing eight times, second only to the golf legend he is attempting to thwart, the Golden Bear, Mr. Jack Nicklaus. This distinction has earned Woods tens of millions of dollars, an astounding income dwarfed only by the many endorsements to his name, including Buick, Gatorade, Schick, Tag Heuer, and the groundbreaking advertising campaign that Nike has crafted using Tiger's likeness. On a recent edition of ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning, Osi Umenyiora, a freakish athlete on the Giants' defensive line, questioned Tiger's athletic abilities, claiming that he does not deserve a 2008 ESPY nomination for best male athlete; this, in spite of his landmark victory at this year's U.S. Open. Although Tiger does not rely to heavily on footwork, agility, and blazing fast speed to dominate the sport of golf the way Umenyiora does to mow down opposing quarterbacks in the National Football League, Tiger Woods is an athlete of a supreme mold, one who has transcended his sport through immaculate striking ability, keen vision of the course, and mental prowess that draws envy from Michael Jordan, the standard of mental toughness in sports. The sport of golf will miss him terribly in the upcoming year that Tiger will spend rehabilitating his knee and honing his skills for his next potential conquest, the 2009 Masters Tournament. Despite the loss, one can altogether appreciate Tiger's capacity for sports domination in these select Nike ads, brought to you by the V-List (one bonus ad is from the masterminds at American Express, who truly capitalized on Tiger's inner comedian).

A Young Tiger Dominates the British Open

The Ever-Famous Ball Juggling Act

All Synched Up

Are You as Good as Roger Federer?

Tiger the Groundskeeper (in the Spirit of Caddyshack)

Mr. 4th of July: Will Smith

2008-07-04T12:56:00.019-04:00

Nothing goes together like Will Smith and a 4th of July movie. Will Smith seems to own this day unlike any other when it comes to blockbuster releases and films that gross over 100 million in the box office. What a long way the Fresh Prince has come since his days in Bel-Air with Carlton. While many of you may be heading out to the movies to see Hancock as part of your July 4th tradition, allow the "V" List to recount the five best movies from Mr. Independence Day himself (as dubbed by Yahoo Movies). I'm sure I'll catch some flack for my picks, but what the hell, here we go!

5. The Legend of Bagger Vance

There aren't many golf movies that one can say is awesome aside from Happy Gilmore, but Bagger Vance is a special movie that didn't get a lot of attention. While Will Smith plays a smaller role when compared with other films on this list, he brings something special to this movie. I'll go out on a limb and say that Bagger Vance wouldn't have been enjoyable without his services. I can't imagine anybody else playing the role of the Caddy who guides Matt Damon back to greatness on the golf course while overcoming his own personal demons. There's just something about Will Smith's demeanor and smile that stands out more than anything else in this film.

4. M.I.B

I'm probably going to get crucified for picking this movie over some other films that Smith has done, but you can't argue with a movie that grossed over 250 million dollars in the American box office. Smith and Tommy Lee Jones play their roles to perfection as part of a galaxy defending, mind erasing organization with an arsenal of weapons that are simply to die for. Men in Black is an Alice in Wonderland like adventure that shows you that when you travel down the rabbit hole, your perspective on the universe might be a little skewed. While there are tons of science fiction tales with similar themes, Will Smith makes this film "look good!"

3. Bad Boys

Before Will Smith was defending the Earth in Independence Day and Men in Black, he was shooting up bad guys alongside Martin Lawrence in this Michael Bay blockbuster. While Bad Boys' earnings (65 million) pales in comparison with some of his later movies, this film is action packed and simply hilarious. Therefore if you're going to decide and choose another film, "freeze b&^:ch! Now back up, put the remote down, and get me a pack of Tropical fruit Bubbilicious! And some Skittles!"

2. Independence Day

While Bad Boys was his breakout role, Independence Day made Will Smith's career. There are very few times that I have been to a packed theater where everybody stands up and claps at the end of the movie, but this was one of them. While Independence Day has not aged well, and seems campy to modern audiences, it was a gigantic hit for Smith, launching him into the Hollywood stratosphere. The film grossed over 300 million domestically and started the pattern of Will Smith dominated 4th of July releases, which continues to this day with Hancock.

1. The Pursuit of Happyness

I hated this movie, so it would seem odd that I place it as number one on my list of Will Smith films. Despite my personal feelings, I'm going to make a hell of an argument for it's placement atop the list. If you look at all that Will Smith has done, the majority of his films are science fiction or action based comedies. The Pursuit of Happyness was a radical departure from what people expect from Will Smith, and yet he excelled. If not for Will Smith, this movie would have been intolerable. While I understand that the story is truly inspirational, I felt the script lagged. And while I caught myself looking at my watch several times, the ending of the film was worth every single minute of this film. At the end of the movie, when Will Smith's character lands the job, your heart simply melts. I know that some people will jeer this pick, stating that I should have included Ali. I would respectfully disagree, as I believe Smith's performance was better in Pursuit. Will Smith took the paradigm we have come to expect from him and totally shifted it with his performance in this movie. Will Smith is the real deal, and except for Wild Wild West, I cannot think of a single movie of his that I will not watch.

Happy Birthday, America

2008-07-03T22:49:00.007-04:00

July 4th is here, and if America had a birthday party, I'm afraid lots of nations wouldn't show up and we Americans would be stuck pinning the tail on the donkey all by ourselves. Maybe Canada would show, but Canada's kind of like the kid who eats glue and doesn't mind when we call him Goober. At the same time, good old American patriotism is strangely out of fashion because patriotism now has become flag lapel pins and not true love of country. That all said, there is still SOOOO much to love about being an American. So, as we blow out the candle on our big cupcake with Goober McGee (who gave us a hockey stick), here are a few things worth celebrating that are pretty special about our country.

5. Jazz
I'm not a big jazz fan myself, but this is an original American art form worthy of a major shout out. Improvisation. Harmony. Coolness to the millionth degree. The jazz age. NOLA. Louis Armstrong. The evolution into rock and roll. Yeah, jazz is pretty smooth. Way to go, America.

4. Movies
Lots of countries make films. Great films. Few countries make "movies" like we do. Big, fun, escapist films like I want to see this Independence Day weekend. Call me crazy, I love knowing that every July 4th is gonna bring about another Will Smith or Michael Bay mega-blockbuster that is going to entertain the heck out of me even if it won't challenge my brain. In fact, I am really excited to buy a bigass popcorn this weekend and take in a flick.

3. BBQ
Barbecue is amazing. Simply amazing. I've always appreciated the power of the grill, but even moreso I've recently become addicted to good, down-home barbecue sauce and eats. There's just something so satisfying about it. It's spicy and sweet and smoky all at the same time...and filling, too! Honestly, the taste combinations are rapturous and overwhelming. So much so that I'm actually strangely craving the week-old leftovers in my fridge. Must...resist...urge...to...reheat...

2. Democracy
Our system of government isn't perfect, but at least it's ours. Unlike most any other nation, we designed our nation from the ground up. And considering our relative youth to the rest of the world, I'd say we've been pretty darn successful. This is no small feat, but sometimes I think we take for granted just how unique this continued "experiment" in democracy is - and how successful we've been.

1. The American Dream
Those of us who were born here don't realize it, but the American Dream is still a very real thing for millions of immigrants. Hardworking people who come here and save every penny to help their families here and abroad. American opportunity is a truly unique and profoundly incredible thing. Skeptical? Consider that most of us are only a few generations from immigrants no different than the ones everyone contests about today. Our great grandparents or even grandparents came over on boats, instead of crossing borders, risking their lives to start anew here from Ireland, Russia, German, Italy - and all were met by adversity equal to or perhaps greater than that facing the Mexican immigrants today. Pure hatred and violence. And now, years later, they are part of the fabric of the great American quilt. Call it sappy, if you like. But you can't say that there's anything like realizing the American Dream.

The Best "Summer" Songs

2008-07-03T19:15:00.006-04:00

And with the arrival of June 21st (I know, I'm about two weeks late), we had our Summer Solstice, the ringing in of a season of tanktops, random road trips, beach excursions, ice cream stops, barbeques, and fun-loving music to capture our hearts for the next three months. Presented to you here are five memorable songs associated with the season.

5. Sublime's "Summertime"
Bradley Nowell's genius came and gone in a tenure with Sublime that delivered a collection of amazing albums, including 40 oz. to Freedom and the self-titled Sublime records. Pairing up with the hip-hop group Pharcyde, Sublime crafted Summertime, a song featured in various Tony Hawk video games and the opening screen to 2K Sports' MLB 2K7. There are two versions of the song that exist, one with Pharcyde, one without. In the sans-Pharcyde edition, Bradley Nowell shines with tight lyricism juxtaposed with a lulling, head-bobbing beat that consumes you. Nowell, much like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Kurt Cobain before him (who, ironically, all died at the age of 27), succumbed to drug addiction, a fate looming over British songster Amy Winehouse.

4. Don Henley's "Boys of Summer"
Much like the success of Paul McCartney with Wings, Sting's break from the Police, and Peter Gabriel's cleaving from the supergroup Genesis, Don Henley tasted glory after his on-again/off-again stint with the Eagles. Lesser bands, including the likes of the Ataris (who, in their own right, are not half-bad), have attempted to cover Henley's greatest 80's triumph, "The Boys of Summer," an electronic, synth-infused track with a hook that centers around listless summer love that one has hopes of continuing long 'after the boys of summer have gone.' The image of a hottie's 'brown skin shining in the sun' still resides in the hearts of those who appreciate Henley's indelible stamp on the music scene. Shame on the Ataris for exchanging 'Black Flag' for 'Dead-Head' in the lyric 'out on the road today / I saw a Dead-Head sticker on a Cadillac.' If there is anything bands of today can learn, it's that you do not, under any circumstance, adulterate classic lyrics with obscure punk rock references (especially if you are the Ataris, who are hardly the punk outfit that the Sex Pistols, Ramones, and the Clash were).

3. Bryan Adam's "Summer of '69"
As a point of reiteration, bands of today need to stay away from impressionable classic rock. A number of groups have desecrated Bryan Adams's summer anthem about starting up a band with your 'first real six-string,' a deeply-affecting tune that pines for good times lost; namingly, the strain time has on adolescent friendships and relationships. What always bothered me about this timeless track was the fact that Adams bellows about the unforgettable year that was 1969 when, looking at things logistically (Mr. Adams was born on November 5, 1959), he was living this so-called racy life at THE AGE OF NINE. I guess 'Summer of '76' doesn't have the same ring to it that Adams's original title does, so he gets a pass there.

2. Frank Sinatra's "Summer Wind"
Michael Buble, a talented crooner? My apologies, Buble lovers, but there is no Buble following without the influence of the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Mr. Frank Sinatra (or, if you believe in events depicted in Mario Puzo's The Godfather, Johnny Fontaine, who won a part in a Hollywood picture through the severing of a horse head). Sinatra's lends his velvety voice to "Summer Wind," one of some 1600+ tracks he recorded, none of which he wrote. Regardless of not putting pen to paper, Sinatra was legendary, as his voice defined America's Golden Age of the 1950's and 60's. "Summer Wind" tells the story of summer romance come and gone like the passing of a summer breeze, an all-too-familiar theme of both the good and bad the summer can fleetingly offer to those who get fully engulfed by the season's passing fancies. Sing on, Frank!

1. Mungo Jerry's "In the Summertime"
When I think Mungo Jerry, I immediately ponder their delicious tune "In the Summertime," a song heavy on the piano tickling, the use of mouths as percussive devices, and the development of a downright playful melody, complete with mutton chops and 'sound philosophy.' "In the Summertime" epitomizes the very notion of a 'feel-good song,' one heightened by harmony and playful folk lyrics. Mungo Jerry had the 'top-down, cruising down-the-boulevard' kind of feel in its grasp when they recorded this track, one that stands the test of time (and one that has opened the door for a new generation of listeners with its inclusion in the Wedding Crashers soundtrack). One hit wonder or not, Mungo Jerry penned the perfect song that captures the summer vibe from beginning to end.

This Month in Sports: June's Best and Worst

2008-07-02T23:00:00.005-04:00

The month of June, at least for two major sports, is championship month, a time in which the NHL and NBA seasons come to a close and baseball comes into focus as the premier sport to follow. In the 2008 edition of June, the Detroit Red Wings manhandled the Sidney Crosby-led Penguins, a championship run that not even a diehard NHL fan could savor, considering that the majority of the NHL's docket of playoff games airs on the Versus Channel, home of bullriding and the Lance Armstrong-less Tour de France. June had its share of ugly moments (the shameful firing of Mets manager Willie Randolph, the rise and fall of yet another Triple Crown hopeful, and Floyd Landis's official loss of the 2006 Tour de France title), just as it had its splendid ones, as compiled for you on this latest edition of the V-List's look at sports.

5. Manny Being Manny
ESPN personality Peter Gammons (who would have my vote as the next baseball commissioner) once remarked on Manny Ramirez's power stroke, stating, "The guy could pull a speeding bullet over the Green Monster if given the chance." A recent addition to the 500 HR Club, Ramirez has done quite a bit to infuriate baseball purists. Where to start? Aside from his atrocious play in left field, Manny, on one momentous occasion, went inside the scoreboard at Fenway to relieve himself, nearly missing a fly ball hit his way. On an inside fastball thrown by Roger Clemens (during the 2003 ALCS, in the midst of an at-bat where the ball came nowhere near him), Manny charged the mound, which precipitated the infamous Zimmer/Pedro scuffle. He has oft-traded his ballcap for a do-rag and has demanded many a trade to leave the confines of Boston. His latest accolades were perhaps the most telling and disturbing of a laughable career rife with head-scratching moments. This past Saturday, while the Sox were in the middle of an interleague series with the Houston Astros, Manny requested sixteen tickets for use at Minute Maid Park. Boston's travelling secretary Jack McCormick refused the request, as this particular inquiry (not uncommon by Manny's standards) was exorbitant. This prompted Manny to throw McCormick to the ground, complete with a verbal berating: "Just do your f&%*in' job." A common quip for such actions? That's just Manny being Manny. I would love to be forgiven for tossing one of my superiors to the ground (as of press time, the Red Sox did not plan to discipline Manny in any way).

4. Josh Hamilton: The Natural
On the last day of June, Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers recorded his 80th run batted in, a substantial feat when you consider where his life had taken him. Drafted by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in 1999, Hamilton was a can't-miss prospect, a player projected to be the next Mickey Mantle. By many scouts' standards, Hamilton was a five-tool player (an athlete packaged with the ability to run the bases, throw the ball, field anything put in play, hit for average, and hit for power), with a sixth tool primed for use in his arsenal: character. Choosing him with the number one pick was a no-brainer. As he was chosen straight out of high school, Hamilton was on his own for the first time, away from a tightly-knit family that was present at every stage of Josh's baseball life. During his stint in the minors, Hamilton hung with the wrong crowd, getting mixed up with crack users who lured him to a debilitating demise. It was these actions that ultimately led to his removal from baseball, one that was self-inflicted and heavily influenced by his overpowering addiction, tattoo obsession, and the racy life of a strike-it-rich baseball star. While Hamilton was at rock bottom, he visited his grandmother, who was moved by the sight of young Josh, who was a ghost of his former self. She saved his life by forcing him to check into a rehabilitation clinic. During this experience, Hamilton found Christ and a number of mentors willing to tend to him. By 2006, Josh was drug-free and ready to take another stab at baseball. It was during this time that the Cincinnati Reds, after drafting him in a Rule 5 exchange with the Chicago Cubs, took a chance on him. During the 2007 season, preceded by a 16-game stint with the Hudson Valley Renegades at the end of the 2006 campaign, Hamilton played in a mere 90 games, a time in which Josh hit .292 with 19 homers and 47 RBI's, a small sample of what he has become in 2008. Traded in the offseason for lights-out pitcher Edinson Volquez (a player who, at this rate, will unanimously win the NL Cy Young Award), Hamilton will more than likely start in the outfield at the All-Star Game, the last ever to be played at Yankee Stadium. Very fitting, when you consider that Josh was labelled as the 21st century rendition of the Mick, a distinction he is still capable of reaching. The sports fan in all of us root for something like that to happen.

3. Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.!
The last time the Boston Celtics were contenders for the NBA title, Kevin McHale was still running the floor of the Garden, a dazzling superstar who toiled as part of a dynamic lineup that included Larry Bird, Robert Parrish, Dennis Johnson, and Danny Ainge, the current front office executive for the Celtics. Now, as current Minnesota Timberwolves' vice president of basketball operations, McHale orchestrated (with Ainge, nonetheless) one of the most lopsided trades in league history, bringing Kevin Garnett and a championship to the city of Boston (for a truckload of peanuts and a poor man's Kevin Garnett, Al Jefferson). In combination with Paul Pierce, Ray Allen (acquired in another trade with Seattle), and the underrated Rajon Rondo, James Posey, and Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Garnett, beaming with confidence and the enthusiasm of a school boy looking to make the varsity squad, vanquished Los Angeles in a hard-fought NBA Finals, accentuated by a 131 - 92 drubbing of the Kobe Bryant-led Lakers. The Celtics, through all they accomplished in the most astounding one-season turnaround in NBA history, played a brand of basketball that brought fans, including myself, back in droves.

2. Cubs Win! Cubs Win!
Although this slot could belong to the Tampa Bay Rays (see what happens when you drop the 'Devil' from your name: Tampa is on their way toward sweeping the Red Sox in a three-game set), the Chicago Cubs have earned it, compiling a stellar 31 -13 record at home through the month of June. The Cubbies have been without Alfonso Soriano for a lenghty period of time, a superstar who is currently enduring his second stint on the disabled list. In addition, Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano has missed substantial time and is due back on the mound this Friday evening. Although swept on the road by the Chicago White Sox (who, conceivably, could be their 2008 World Series opponent), the Cubs have maintained the best record in the National League, thanks in part to the mythical presence of instant-hit Kosuke Fukudome, the resurgence of Kerry Wood, the surprise hurling of reformed ace Ryan Dempster (who predicted that the Cubs would end their 100-year World Series drought), and the fiery managing of one Lou Piniella, whose leadership has changed the culture for the North Side's most lovable losers. Harry Caray, this one's for you!

1. Tiger Woods at the U.S. Open
Tiger Woods is the Professional Golf Association, past, present, and future. Woods's most recent triumph, a 91-hole run to the U.S. Open championship at Torrey Pines, resulted in another Majors conquest for Tiger, a classic win that brought him one step closer to Jack Nicklaus's Majors total mark of 18 (Tiger has 14 at the ripe young age of 32). After besting Open hopeful Rocco Mediate in 19 playoff holes, Tiger Woods attained the type of acclaim that is worthy of Paul Bunyan status: as it turns out, Tiger played those 91 holes with a stress fracture in his leg and a tear in his ACL (both of which will require season-ending surgery). Foolish? Perhaps. Legendary? No doubt about it. The 2008 U.S. Open victory will go down as one of Tiger's, if not the PGA's, best ever. And, as if Tiger didn't need the drive to fuel his dominance, he is doing this all in the name of his late father Earl, who passed in May of 2006. (NOTE: Below is one of Tiger's most recent Nike commercials. To hear a father speak the way he does about his son will truly bring tears to your eyes. Should it not, you have no soul).

Baby Puking Marathon from AFV!

2008-07-02T20:37:00.003-04:00

This is the a montage of babies throwing up their guts. It's simultaneously disgusting and hilarious. Enjoy!

Don't Mess With Perfection: Unnecessary Sequels

2008-07-02T16:00:00.003-04:00

Fans generally welcome sequels as an opportunity to add depth and breadth to a story which couldn't be covered in a two hour time period. However in some cases, we the viewers would have been better off if the rest of the story was left to our imagination. As an example I present the unnecessary Donnie Darko sequel, which may actually diminish the quality the original film. Just because a film is a commercial success, or becomes a "critics choice" doesn't mean that we need alternative stories from the film. The "V" List presents those films in a series that must be erased from memory in order to salvage the original.

5. The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones

Episode III was the only enjoyable prequel from the Star Wars series. If Lucas had enlisted the services of a creative writer, they could have penned Anakin's youth and upbringing in forty five minutes of script, rather than waste six hours of my life. While we're bashing Lucas and his poor decisions, I want to say yet again, why did I have to suffer through Jar Jar Binks? In all honesty, both films have only thirty minutes of salvageable material, which boils down to the creative lightsaber duels at each film's climax. I like to pretend that these films never happened, and begin my viewing of Star Wars with the raiding of the Tantive IV. Hardcore fans can tell you with certainty that Star Wars and the Prequels are two separate entities, of which the latter generally do not exist.

4. Psycho II

There was never a reason for a second Psycho movie ( or a third for that matter). The story of Norman Bates and his momma issues played to conclusion by the end of the first film. I didn't require any further information about Norman and the operation of his hotel, so let's just leave this one alone. How many people actually seek out the Psycho sequels in the video store? I'm sure there aren't many people jonesing to watch these film, which begs the question, why were they made in the first place?

3. American Pie II and III

While there were funny moments in both of these films, they seriously diminished the quality of the original. We didn't need to follow these characters all the way up to the ripe old age of college graduation, careers, and marriage. Hell, why stop there? Why don't we check in on Jim and the crew with the birth of their first child, or even joke about his overwhelming mortgage payments and conformity into domesticated society? There is a reason some comedies become cult classics and others do not. The classics know when to say when. Therefore, I'm hoping we never see a Superbad II, Knocked-Up II, or Half Baked II: Twice Baked.

2. The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions

The second and third Matrix films could be two of the most disappointing sequels of all time, especially since the original film was so revolutionary in its own right. Sure we get to see Neo fly around and fight agents, but was it all necessary? Think about the Matrix trilogy and ask yourself, "What was accomplished?" Absolutely nothing. In the outset of the Matrix films, the human race was enslaved by machines that created and faux universe to maintain order. Select individuals were "unplugged", and began their struggle to free the minds of those who were entrapped by the false reality. Now think about the series ended? Humanity was still being enslaved by the machines, sans Neo. The final two films only accomplished the death of Neo and his love interest Trinity. From humanity's perspective, now they're up Sh&^ creek without a paddle. This series would have been better off if they left Neo's story unfinished. People would still be talking positively about the Matrix films but instead, the trilogy is now labeled as one great film with two intolerable sequels.

1. The Godfather Part III

There's a third Godfather film? Really? I'll continue to act like an Ostrich with its head in the sand and pretend this piece of garbage was never created. I couldn't stomach the whole plot line involving the Pope and could care less about Michael and his children at this point.

As if one couldn't predict that Michael's life of crime and excess would eventually consume him and those he loved. I thought the first two films did a fantastic job at establishing the sacrifices that were necessary to accumulate such power and wealth. I didn't require a pile of dung film (that didn't have all the major players) which was only created to milk the Hollywood cash cow. If you're like me, just pretend that none of these films were ever made, so that you might continue to live out the rest of the story in your mind. I guarantee that your imagination of how the rest of the story plays out is a million times better than the trash that Hollywood chose to create.

Any other sequels really bother you? List them in a comment.

ADD ON: 5 Reasons Kinko's Should Implode

2008-07-02T09:54:00.004-04:00

Kinko's is evil like the devil. I find it so sad and aggravating that even today, when Microsoft Word will let you "print to Kinko's" with the touch of a button that the experience is still so terrible. If there's any solace, the Kinko's name is dead. Long live...er...FedEx Office? Under any name, a pig is still a pig. And it stinks. To cheer dear, wounded James and any of you who have suffered a similar fate, I give you the following advertisement.

Top 5 Reasons Kinko's Should Implode

2008-07-01T21:07:00.011-04:00

We all have document needs. Maybe you need to make color copies, or handouts, maybe you want to make a large scale print, Kinko's, soon to be Fedex Office, is there to fulfill all your document needs. Except for one thing, actually going there causes me to go through a very sustained pattern of emotions. First fear at the pain and anguish I know is coming, then pain and anguish upon arriving, then unmitigated rage as the minutes drain into hours.

So without further ado...the top 5 reasons I hope every Fedex owned office service center implodes in on itself instantaneously.

#5. They don't care about you.

The kinko's employees, I call them kinkies, would rather skin a live grizzly than do something for you. I recognize that as a customer, my project is the biggest deal in the world to me, but to them its just another print job, but please, a little help here. Show a little concern since you guys are suppsoed to be the document people. And another thing, why is it there is always a working area behind the desk the size of a football field and two people manning the stations. There are yards of expensive equipment arranged and powered back there and it always looks like the two working the wheels were the last two left standing after an intelligence-seeking bomb ripped through the place. Despite all the equipment back there they always want you to do things yourself, which leads me to...

#4. The Gear

You came to Kinko's with a CD, the CD has a color PDF on it that is 16 pages, you need 20 copies of it for a presentation you're giving. While it would be easier for you to hand it to Kinky and get it done, no-no, he is too busy not assisting other customers. And so, he directs you to the self serve computers that line the place. Looking for a deal, you head to the basic PC, after all printing a PDF isn't rocket science. Unfortunately, a basic machine at Kinko's is a Dell from 1998, running Windows 95. It operates as if it were purchased from a serial porn-viewer on Craig's List. The mouse pointer jerks across the screen like a cocker-spaniel trying to catch the dot from a laser pointer. The keyboard has a thin but measurable film of human residue left over the course of the machine's decade of service. All of that would be bad enough...except for the other thing....

#3. You're on the clock.

The fine folks at FedEx aren't quite kind enough to give you access to these glistening towers of computing power for free. No, no. You have to pay, by the minute. I forget the rate now I think its $25 a minute or so, but adding to the excruciating login time, the computer requires you insert your credit card so it can process payments. I find it both ironic and infuriating that the computer holds your card like a bouncer with an ID until it's good and done with you. In return a small window pops up maintaining a running total of just how deeply you're getting screwed by this glacially-paced, whore of a machine. Despite the computing set-backs, Adobe Acrobat launches (well if it takes 3 minutes does is qualify as a launch? more like a climb) and I can print my document, I click print, on color_laser_1 and.....

#2. Print? You Came to Print?

Two things happen, one I am informed by the digital bouncer holding my credit card that I will be charged roughly 18 bucks a page for color copies, because apparently despite the leaps made in printing technologies it still costs the rough equivalent of a space shuttle launch to get a document done here. Fine, I accept the charges (i.e. bend over). Then the second thing happens...nothing.

I sit, look around, and yes, yes indeed from the row of printers I see exactly nothing printing. This does not prevent the clock on my machine from ticking the dollars away mind you. It just means that there are no pages emerging. I investigate. I am looking for color_laser_1. Shouldn't be too hard. A large business like this with access to devices like labels must have taken the 3 minutes necessary to label their printers. But I forgot, I am in the second circle of hell and there is no indication which printer is screwing me. And so I head to the desk.

"Pardon me, one of your evil little printers is taking my money, and refusing to work."

Kinky comes over and determines that color_laser_1 is out of paper he loads it. But the job as timed out. So I need to reload, will I be charged? He doesn't know, but I do....I grab my ankles again, accept the charges and finally pages emerge.

Somewhat satisfied and certainly lighter in the wallet, I close out my account with the vile computer and stack of paper in hand make my way out the door. Then, my number one reason for hating Kinko's takes hold.

#1. I hate the person I become.

We've all experienced that person. The one who hates their life and decides to take it out on everyone around them. I realize as I try to bustle my way to trimming/stapeling area, that I have become that douche bag. I'm overdressed, stressed out, short on time, and just got taken for a ride on the Kinko's cyclone and I hate my surroundings and the people in them. I snap and people, I cut the line, I am the asshole and I hate it. I have no one but Kinko's and myself to blame, however, I blame Kinkos.

Five Days in the Life of Amy Winehouse

2008-07-01T16:55:00.007-04:00

Amy Winehouse has had one of the single most remarkable months any person can experience. It seems like every single day, there is another shocking press release about her bad behavior which stems from her chronic drug abuse. At what point do the authorities step in and do something about it? This woman is clearly a danger to herself and others, and should be institutionalized before she ends her own life. Friends and family have tried to make her go to rehab, but she keeps saying no, no, no ( I had to do it). Here are the top 5 memorable moments from the month of June from the queen of bad behavior, Amy Winehouse.

5. Taking trips to Disneyland

Amy is no stranger to courtroom drama, and most recently she described the courtroom as a trip to "Disneyland." Amy's disconnect from life is most apparent from her blatant disregard for the legal system. At a pre-trial hearing involved her husband, Amy arrived to the courtroom hours late, flirted constantly with her husband, and engaged in a note-passing session which ended with her mouthing "F-U" for all the world to see. After dropping the F bomb, Amy stumbled to her feet and walked out of the courtroom. Clearly this was the first misstep in a series of bad moves during the month of June.

4. Performing for Nelson Mandela

Only days after her release from a hospital, Amy was given an opportunity to perform at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tribute. This could be the only good day in the entire month for the troubled star, since not many individuals are given the opportunity to perform for the man who symbolized the end of South African apartheid. Onlookers stated that despite her recent hospitalization, Winehouse looked healthy and in good spirits. Unfortunately, Amy dropped the ball with song selection and chose "Rehab" as part of her two song surprise setlist. Way to go Amy, you are given the opportunity of a lifetime and you sing about drug abuse and your inner demons. Why are we not surprised?

3. Tuberculosis, Emphysema, or Just Crack?

Winehouse was rushed to the hospital after fainting. Doctors feared Amy might be suffering from a case of the dangerous pulmonary disease tuberculosis, however it became more clear that her chronic smoking and drug use were leading to emphysema. The medical staff and family stated that Winehouse was contributing to the early termination of her life as a result of her poor choices. Clearly this was not the same woman who seemed to be on the road to recovery in February when she received multiple Grammy Awards for her excellence in music. What was even more shocking was the way that Amy celebrated her release from the hospital (and the topic of our number two entry).

2. Celebrating a Hospital Release with a Good Cigarette

I don't know about you, but when I get out of the hospital from a potential tuberculosis/emphysema diagnosis, I love celebrating with a good ol' cancer stick. With behavior this rebellious, one wonders if she is genuinely crazy or seeking more headlines and attention.

1. Fan appreciation takes on a whole new meaning

How do you end a month filled with hospitalizations, court dates, and musical concerts for international dignitaries? By punching out one of your fans at a concert. Amy's june went out with a bang when she jumped off the stage at the Glastonbury Festival and threw a punch at a male onlooker. While nobody knows what provoked the altercation, it is clear that this is just the beginning of a summer to remember for the beleaguered singer. Let's hope that she either comes to her senses or is institutionalized before we are reading about her untimely death from substance abuse and a fast lifestyle. This "V" list author and millions of fans are hoping that Amy can overcome these demons before it's too late.

Water Pollution: The Five Worst Ocean Based Movies

2008-07-01T01:00:00.004-04:00

While we debate the potential dangers of offshore drilling, very few realize that the ocean has already been befouled numerous times by those Hollywood liberals whom often seek to "Save the Planet". The following oceanic films are so bad, they make Waterworld seem like a cinematic masterpiece. Only the Sci-Fi channel, notorious for resurrecting any piece of crap, will replay these pieces of garbage. Inspired by the beautiful beaches of Wildwood Crest, New Jersey, I present the films that make you want to move as far away from water as possible.

5. Ghost Ship

Gabriel Byrne held such esteem in my heart (for his role in Usual Suspects) until he made this garbage film. Also starring Julianna Margulies and Isiah Washington (formerly of Grey's Anatomy) as part of a salvage crew that happens upon a haunted ocean liner. If you combined a bastardized version of The Shining with The Love Boat, you would have the premise for this movie. While I couldn't possibly tell you in one paragraph just how awful this film is, please know my shame in having been one of the only people in this country to have seen this movie while in theaters. Like I said, I was a sucker for Gabriel Byrne. That son of a bitch!

4. Deep Rising

Much like Ghost Ship, Deep Rising centers around a group of modern day pirates who loot an ocean liner only to discover that somebody, or something, has already killed every single passenger aboard. Treat Williams (of the WB's Everwood) was never allowed to act in a major motion picture after completing his performance as Finnegan, instead being doomed to portray cardiac surgeons on failing TV shows. The entire concept of this movie is such garbage, and can only be stomached with dangerous levels of anti-depressant drugs. In fact, the film is so bad that if you watch it in its entirety, you die within seven days. True story, it happened to my neighbor.

3. Leviathan

This film reminds me of Aliens, with two exceptions. Unlike Alien, which is set in deep space, the location for this film is miles under the ocean, cut off from all human contact on the surface of the water. Secondly, while the Alien is badass, the creature from Leviathan is a slug, which could have been killed if the first person it ate just stepped on the damn thing. I mean seriously, who gets waylaid by a slug? You must be a real tool to be set upon by a creature with no limbs or jumping ability. After being eaten (?) by the slug, the new beast continues to consume the crew one man at a time until somebody realizes they should kill it. If you really want to watch a great movie with a deep sea theme, rent James Cameron's Abyss with Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.

2. Orca

Jaws is good. Orca is bad. No matter how hard you try, you can never make me afraid of Shamu. I could write my own synopsis of how terrible this movie is, but instead I'll allow the tagline from the film to speak for itself. And I quote, "The killer whale is one of the most intelligent creatures in the universe. Incredibly, he is the only animal other than man who kills for revenge. He has one mate, and if she is harmed by man, he will hunt down that person with a relentless, terrible vengeance - across seas, across time, across all obstacles." Right.

1. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Take all four previous films, combine their offensive nature, and it still falls short of this movie. Some people will try and bait you into watching Shark Attack by saying that it's funny. Don't believe them. The fishing term catch and release appropriately describes what one should do when they come into possession of this movie. First of all, the shark is so huge it makes the fish from Jaws 3 seem like a guppy (and that damn thing destroyed Sea World). Secondly, the acting and writing could be some of the worst of all time. Finally, many of the "special" effects combine National Geographic footage with a guy in front of a blue screen. Think I'm joking, hit up YouTube for clips of this floating turd. Much like any floater, these titles deserved to be flushed.

What to Read This Summer

2008-07-01T00:00:00.008-04:00

About four summers ago, I endured recovery from knee surgery that put me out of commission for several weeks. During this span, I read an upwards of eight books, as I had the ability to do little more than break the binding of some remarkable novels, memoirs, and works of non-fiction. Now that I am in the midst of directing a summer school program at my high school, I am currently plodding through Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 and John Knowles's A Separate Peace, two required readings in my course instruction. Prior to this summer school gig, I had the pleasure of delving into a number of books that should be part of your very own summer reading program. Bring them to the beach or lounge on a hammock and give each your full attention.

5. Seven Seconds or Less by Jack McCallum

As lead NBA beat writer for Sports Illustrated, Jack McCallum reinvigorates the sport with precise journalism that is second to none. By means of Seven Seconds or Less, McCallum joined the Phoenix Suns during their 2006 season as an on-hands consultant, recording the squad's every operation by attending team meetings, mandatory practices, and at least 75% of the Suns' regular and postseason docket of games. McCallum's reporting is succinct, poignant, and insightful, exposing the Suns for the wonderfully managed team they are. McCallum's account hones in on what the Suns were capable of doing (bowing out in the Western Conference finals) without the aid of All-Star forward Amare Stoudemire, who could not play in lieu of microfracture knee surgery. McCallum gives you a sense of what certain players are all about: Steve Nash (quirky), Stoudemire (misunderstood), and Shawn Marion (self-centered), all of whom wistfully satisfy coach Mike D'Antoni's every request by means of fulfilling his philisophical approach to run-and-gun offense: get the ball up the floor and in the basket in seven seconds or less (which, according to D'Antoni, is insufficient time for the opposition to set up its defense). As a Knicks fan, even I could appreciate the splendid things the Suns could accomplish, all due to their presence under McCallum's investigative microscope.

4. Eats Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss

The title of the book is derived from a joke on bad punctuation:

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
“Well, I’m a panda,” he says, at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

Throughout the course of Lynne Truss's 'zero tolerance approach to punctuation,' readers are dazzled by immensely humorous fixes and answers to the global epidemic of punctuation ineptitude. As a teacher of language arts and various rhetorical forms, I have referenced this book on a number of occasions, even going so far as to use the insightful examples and models peppered throughout Truss's beautifully scripted pages.

3. 1776 by David McCullough

David McCullough is an incredibly disciplined historian whose 'textbooks' read like suspense novels. His various takes on the Truman and Adams administrations, as well as the story of the Johnstown Flood and the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge, are treasures of the non-fiction form. With access to anything he needs from the Library of Congress, McCullough often locks himself in his cottage to craft his next work of art, one that is sure to inform and enlighten. Arguably his best work, 1776 tells the story of America in its infancy, where tyrants ruled and rag-tag militias triumphed, due in part to the noble leadership of one General George Washington, our first commander in-chief. McCullough proves to be incredibly well-versed in all that he does, as his books (like Goodwin's works) are fortified by means of some 70+ pages of works cited. His heart truly bleeds American.

2. Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin

For all the fine work that McCullough amasses, Doris Kearns Goodwin matches it with efforts related to the Brooklyn Dodgers, FDR's impact on America, and the Kennedy administration. Aside from these works, Goodwin shines as THE expert on Abraham Lincoln, a scholar whose many books on America's sixteenth president will move you to chills. Her magnum opus, Team of Rivals, tells the story of the unlikely Republican nomination of 1860, taken by none other than Lincoln himself. The book highlights the politcal genius of Honest Abe, made possible by the very men he ran against, all of whom (William Seward, Edwin Stanton, Edward Bates, and Salmon Chase) grew to love a man they once thought inept. In what feels like the greatest story ever told (credit goes to Goodwin for enveloping you in this notion), Team of Rivals magnifies America in one of its most prominent and darkest eras, a time in which Lincoln was able to duel adversity to bring America to a glory sustained well beyond our nation's Reconstruction era.

1. The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs

Author A.J. Jacobs, who penned the eye-opening 'encyclopedia' Know It All, goes to work on your conscience, moral code, and soul by means of his superb book, The Year of Living Biblically. Raised in a secular setting throughout his childhood (although Jewish, Jacobs's family would place a Star of David atop their Christmas tree every holiday season), Jacobs opts to devote a year toward living the Bible (both Old and New Testament) as literally as possible, a crusade inspired by his uncle, an Orthodox Jew who did the same thing for a small juncture of his life. Prior to this spiritual escapade, Jacobs put together a 72-page list of some 760+ rules and regulations scripted in the Bible, some self-explanatory (thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife), some bizarre (one shall not boil the meat of a lamb in milk), all of which test Jacobs's capacity to live a just and praiseworthy life. His look at the Bible is incredibly intelligent, inspiring, and hysterical, all of which encapsulates Jacobs's ability as an expressive author.

Wall-E is a Must See!

2008-06-30T09:20:00.002-04:00

This weekend was a bit of a family retreat to the hinterlands of upstate New York. But we wouldn't let a little thing like a 40 min drive keep us from the movie theater to see Pixar's latest and greatest, Wall-e.

And so without further ado...the top five reasons you should charge up your solar cell and run (don't walk) to go see Wall-e!

#5. The best robot-character ever.

Ben Burtt, gave sound to the Star Wars saga and a voice to one of the most beloved robotic characters in history, R2-D2. He performs the same service for the one and only Wall-e to much greater effect. I know that says a lot, especially from me an unabashed Star Wars fan. But Wall-e's character is riveting, his emotions complex, and his gestures distinct, sure he has more to work with than little R2-D2, but he also owns the screen alone for about 40 min. Which brings me to...

#4. Kids pay attention

Anyone that read an early review knows that the beginning of the film is unlike anything you've seen in recent film making (with the exception of Cast Away), essentially one character dominates the screen for nearly 40 min without the aid of more than one word. My initial fear, knowing this heading in was people, especially young children in the audience might get bored. Let me tell you it doesn't happen. From minute one, the Pixar team pulls out all of their tricks from every Pixar short playbook to keep these kids riveted. Every beep and boop, every stumble, every gaze at the stars, kids and adults alike are spellbound.

#3. Its an adventure.

I won't reveal the plot to you. But this movie kicks in to gear with action sequences that should make Indy 4 jealous. Zooming along the dusty earth, dodging blaster bolts, zipping through space, crowds hurling. Lets just say, you don't want for action from one.

#2. Its a love story.

Wall-e is a lonely guy. I'm not revealing anything the trailer doesn't reveal to tell you that he falls madly in love with another robot. Their romance and their chemistry on screen is the stuff hollywood stars beg for. We are pushing for them from moment one, and despite their metallic bodies and lack of a functioning english vocabulary, we understand them. Their passion is at the heart of this story, and we feel it with them.

#1. Its social commentary on a grand scale.

Wrapped in a package that little children will find attractive is a deep social commentary on our consumer culture, what it does to the planet and to us as we eat and drink more and more, and buy more and more and do less and less. From minute one we see what comes from the damage we are bringing about to the planet. A huge corporation called Buy N' Large is all around care-taker and as people become more and more vegetized to their floating screens as they zoom around in floating chairs, the need for government becomes less and less, BNL takes care of everything. Its a stunning indictment on our potential future. Pixar took a huge risk to create a movie that actually makes be quiet and think and feel and laugh for two hours, luckily they have the chops to pull it off.

The Man, the Myth, the Legend: Mr. Morgan Freeman

2008-06-30T00:00:00.006-04:00

In light of the releases of Wanted and The Dark Knight (movie reviews on the way!), let us pay homage to a Hollywood sage, the voice from the heavens, Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman. He was a Moor (Robin Hood Prince of Thieves), a mob boss (Lucky Number Slevin), a cancer patient (The Bucket List), a weapons specialist (Batman Begins), a boxing trainer (Million Dollar Baby), the President (Deep Impact) and the Alpha and the Omega (Bruce Almighty). Shame on Phil Alden Robinson for killing Freeman off in Sum of All Fears, but kudos to Edward Zwick for casting him in Glory, a film released in what is arguably the most successful year of Freeman's career (1989, the year of Glory, Driving Miss Daisy, and Lean on Me). Morgan Freeman could take over the world in lieu of his many cinematic conquests, a reign that poignantly began with his role as 'Man on the Street' in 1964's Pawnbroker. Without further ado, five films that fortified Morgan Freeman's career.

5. Driving Miss Daisy

The film that earned Freeman his first Academy Award nomination in a leading role. Throughout the course of his career, Freeman has been noted for the chemistry he develops with his on-screen colleagues, his performance with Jessica Tandy being no exception to his vaunted repertoire. Despite not winning the Oscar (that pesky Daniel Day-Lewis, starring in My Left Foot, is a fine actor in his own right), Freeman would go on to be nominated for two more Oscars beyond 1990 (Shawshank Redemption and Million Dollar Baby, the latter of which he won as a 'we finally have to give this guy credit' distinction of pity).

4. March of the Penguins

Face it: in biology class, penguin migration would have been the last topic you'd wish to write about, outside of glacial shift patterns and polar bear mating behavior. Morgan Freeman, lending his sonorous voice to the documentary March of the Penguins, took a topic that was seemingly lackluster and breathed life into it through first-class narration. As far as I am concerned, all major book publishing houses should collaborate on crafting a multi-billion dollar deal that allows Morgan Freeman to voice every book-on-tape ever, and yet to be, produced. Hands down, Freeman's voice is the most iconic in Hollywood (sorry, James Earl Jones). Even so (perhaps it wasn't written into his script), when it comes to Penguins, Freeman tended to glaze over moments in which a young penguin gets sacked by an albatross or a mother becomes porpoise fodder, instead allowing nature to run its awe-inspiring course. Hell, even Spielberg recruited Freeman's voice for a 30-second clip in War of the Worlds; now that's drawing power!

3. Seven
As one of the most spellbinding psychological thrillers of this era, Seven combined the accolades of Brad Pitt, Freeman, and Kevin Spacey, an ensemble cast that chilled countless fans of American cinema as they played out David Fincher's masterwork. As Detective William Somerset, a cop on the verge of retirement, Freeman portrayed a crime specialist with one last case left to lead, one that he'd regret signing up for. Freeman masterfully shows Pitt (David Mills) the ropes throughout the pursuit of a serial killer (Kevin Spacey's John Doe) obsessed with the seven deadly sins, only to watch all that he does for Mills come tumbling down. The anguish in Freeman's voice as the sins of Envy and Wrath are revealed to Mills and Somerset is absolutely haunting, leading one to believe that Freeman, just as he always has, fully embraced his role. In addition to Freeman's portrayal, Kevin Spacey's performance was Oscar-worthy, even in spite of appearing in the film for a mere twenty-five minutes.

2. Lean on Me
This film is a must-see for educators everywhere, as it shows that, even in the most dire of circumstances, an educator can rise above to instruct, lead, and inspire. As Eastside High's Principal Joe Clark, Freeman rid a Patterson, New Jersey high school of miscreants of all sorts, calling on even the not-so ably-minded to pass a mandatory state assessment. Freeman's passion and vigor jump off the screen through each and every scene of 1989's Lean on Me, one of a trio of films that surfaced in Freeman's most successful year in Hollywood. Clark got kids to quit drugs and rallied his staff to extend beyond the normal duties of an educator, harboring a renaissance at Eastside High. If Morgan Freeman were my principal, Lord only knows I'd rush to work on a daily basis, just to see what he would do next. Although unorthodox and outright bizarre from time to time, Clark constantly pulled out all the stops. Needless to say, Freeman's role was one for his career and the ages.

1. Shawshank Redemption
The film by which the TNT network based the phrase "TNT Knows Drama," Shawshank Redemption, at first a Stephen King short story, is one of the greatest films of all time, one that stands as the movie by which Freeman and Tim Robbins may define their careers. By coining the phrase, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'," Morgan Freeman's Ellis 'Red' Redding was Shawshank's moral barometer, gauging each and every inmate that left and entered the prison's walls with impartial judgment and compassionate eyes.

Film Review: Wanted

2008-06-29T10:48:00.011-04:00

The term 'suspension of disbelief' was coined for a movie like Wanted, an adrenaline rush of a film that was highly entertaining, but rife with ludicrous visual effects normally associated with a graphic novel recreation (which Wanted just so happens to be: director Timur Bekmambetov's loose rendition of Mark Millar's comic book of the same name). Unless you are willing to toss your disbelief to the wayside, this will be a film you will not enjoy. Bekmambetov clearly pays homage to the work of the Wachowski Brothers, they of The Matrix fame, seeing as the vast majority of Wanted's visuals rely on stop-time motion to account for protagonist Wesley Gordon's insane ability to channel his 'anxiety' for the sake of mowing down targets with pinpoint precision. Wanted has the makings of a premier action film: a peon rises to hero status, explosions and gun claps pulse about the moviehouse from one jaw-dropping scene to the next, there is no romantic subplot to speak of, villains are killed in ways unimaginable, and the dialogue is uber-racy. What more could you want for the price of admission?

5. James McAvoy
James McAvoy (Wesley Gibson) was to Wanted as Gerard Butler was to 300: a rising, unknown Scottish thespian from Glasgow who can star in a major Hollywood production. McAvoy, a young talent starring opposite Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman, absolutely stole the show with some of the film's best dialogue and the ability to believably wield a gun and partake in various stunts a la Harrison Ford in the Indy series. His performance alone is worth the price of admission (and is far more substantial than Keanu Reeves's portrayal of Neo in The Matrix. Also, McAvoy has signed on to play Bilbo Baggins in Guillermo del Toro's The Hobbit, due out in December 2001. Score!).

4. Minor Characters and Catalysts
Some of the smaller roles in the film (the vast majority of the assassin league "The Fraternity") were cookie-cutter representations of rehashed action film personas. The smack-talking, machete-wielding Butcher with Latino flair (despite being played by an eastern European actor). The brooding Gunsmith with little to no dialogue (played by hip hop legend Common). The Repairman with no premise but to pound Wesley Gibson into submission. Each of them was incredibly bland and did little to convey the Fraternity's prowess as cold-blooded killers. The only small roles I cared about, super-assassin Cross (Thomas Kreschmann, who poignantly played Jewish sympathizer Wilm Hosenfeld in The Pianist) and munitions specialist Pekwarsky (Terence Stamp), were barely on screen long enough to build a character arc. And all I wanted was more from each of them; in short, their lack of screen-time was utterly disappointing. Then again, there is always the possibility of a sequel, a trend Hollywood will surely continue with Wanted's inevitable success.

3. Tongue-in-Cheek Narration
Many a great film (i.e. Casino, Memento, Goodfellas, 21, etc.) has been brilliantly accentuated by insightfully delightful narration; Wanted is no exception. Wesley Gibson's voice over was hilarious and did plenty to keep the plot moving, but was not so apparent that it took away from the juicy special effects and imagery. Wesley's core behavior and personality (from non-entity to swash-buckling hero) was well-conceived via the power of narration.

2. Action Film Homage or Rip-Off?
Fans of the Star Wars and Matrix series will groan over the amount of times Wanted blatantly rips off key scenes and ideas from the works of Lucas and the Wachowski's. The mythology of Star Wars and the premise of The Matrix (a nobody supplanted in a dead-end job is salvaged and rises to the top) is packaged into a film that barely measures up to the aforementioned pieces that came before it. Without giving too much of the plot away, I will say this: Wanted does very little to deem itself original the way a film like The Empire Strikes Back and the original Matrix did.

1. Action, Action, We Want Action!
Much like Michael Bay's Transformers, the Bourne series, the Italian Job, and the Transporter series, Wanted delivers potent action-packed sequences and serves as a hybrid of each of these outstanding films. Curving bullets, train-hopping, and high-octane car chases were actually quite amazing if one can look past the sheer farcicality of it all. Then again, the climactic train sequence in the Alps was pure nonsense, even by Wanted's standards. I blurted out, "That's absolutely ridiculous!" less throughout the course of Indiana Jones's latest than I did throughout Wanted, and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had ludicrous moments aplenty (is a floating boat-car really that indestructible?). Even so, every moviegoer purchasing a ticket to witness this film already knows what to expect: an edge-of-your-seat affair laced with some 'gimme a break' moments. All in all, Wanted was a worthwhile moviegoing experience--even better when you consider the treat of a Defiance trailer during the previews.

Concealed Weapons: Anatomical Armories in Film!

2008-06-28T08:48:00.015-04:00

When we say these people are packing, we mean it quite literally. One hopes these individuals procured the proper licensees to carry these weapons, because they are physically attached to their bodies making it somewhat hard to remove. These five characters would not fare well in a routine stop in an episode of COPS, as it would likely end with their being tazed or pepper sprayed for carrying a weapon which they refused to yield. While the following characters are odd, disgusting, and biologically incorrect, they show us what can happen when directors, producers, and hallucinogens mix. Shout out goes to Mega Man (who doesn't qualify) for his arm blaster, which can also be found in the game Dead Rising.

5. Rose McGowan (Deathproof)

Quentin Tarentino gets love twice on this list for his characters that involve sidearms as part of their anatomy. While Sex Machine is far more disturbing, Rose McGowan's assault rifle leg is just preposterous. I will be the first to say that Tarentino is a genius when it comes to film making, but perhaps he has been drinking a bit too much of his own Kool-Aid lately. It's like the George Lucas Jar-Jar Binks phenomenon, otherwise known as the what can happen to a film maker when people around him can no longer say, "I don't think that's a good idea". The machine gun leg look has been described as "sexy" and "provocative" by some on the Internet. The only person who finds this look sexy is Paul McCarntney, so in the future can you leave this ridiculousness out of your films? Thanks Quentin.

4. Captain Hook (Hook)

Captain Hook is the Original Gangsta when it comes to concealed weapons. The Captain was so B.A, that he made no attempt to even conceal that bad boy. In fact, he flashed it continuously to remind people of where he was going to stick it if they got out of line. I wonder what Hook's temperment was like prior to losing his hand to that crocodile. He must have been jovial, because many of the pirates whom surround him are quite nice actually. I can't imagine them rolling with a grumpy bastard like that, lest they give him a pass for, I don't know, let's say, losing a hand to a crocodile. Seriously dude, you need to see a shrink because all those rage issues will not go away on their own.

3. Sex Machine (From Dusk Till Dawn)

While the "penis gun" also made an appearance in Robert Rodriguez's film Desperado, we only get to see how it works in the vampire film From Dusk Till Dawn. In fact, the entire character centers around his "piece" which can come into action at a moments notice. What does he load that thing with Viagra? You think he's nasty in human form, wait till you see him as a vampire.

2. Edward Scissorhands

While Johnny Depp's Ginzu sharp phalanges were never intended as weapons, they sure can mess a brotha up. Did you see what he did to Anthony Michael Hall? Homeboy got wrecked! Why the hell did Vincent Price give him scissor hands in the first place? That's seriously demented! What utility could there be in lacking an prehensile thumb? While director Tim Burton shows some of the practical uses like cutting hair, making landscape architecture, and ice carving, Edward remains as useless as teats on a bull. Also, why is Price the only person on earth that can make hands out of wax (or whatever) to put on that boy? I'm sure there's some Harvard or Yale scholar that can whip up some robotic hands. After all, they did it for Luke in Star Wars when his joint got chopped off by Vader.

1. Bruce Campbell (Army of Darkness)

Nothing can compare with Bruce Campbell's Husqvarna arm attachment, which he wields with perfection. Campbell slices through undead hoards like a hot knife through butter. Albeit, the use of his chainsaw as an arm seems quite plausible when coupled with time travel to the Middle Ages and an army of undead who spring to life after a reading from the Necronomicon. Bruce Campbell may be the only person I know who is actually stoked to lose his hand and replace it with a power-tool. This film combines the best elements of Scarface and Dawn of the Dead, without once taking itself seriously. If you have never had the pleasure of viewing Army of Darkness I recommend a group of friends and some alcohol to enhance the viewing experience.